Am I being awful?

topsym

vaio wrote: »

Don’t see a problem…..

Do invite him up and have a “renew the old friendships, catch up on what has been happening over the last 12 years and meet the families” event. Better still if you can also invite other friends from the same era.


I refered to the meeting other friends from uni at the same time, as was suggested, I replied to this and said it would be a good idea/ why is that still meeting in secret??

brians_daughter

topsym wrote: »

I agree! but how to stop my enquiring mind?????

Sorry i havent read all the posts.. but the answe is easy.....You must start asking yourself these very simple questions

"How would i feel if my husband was in this situation?"

"Would I be hurt if my Husband had met with an old uni pal whom he ultimately had chemistry and sex with"

Obviously if your hubbie knows you plan to meet, and knows you have always wondered what if, and if he knows you had chemistry and sex with this other guy and is still happy for you to go and meet him then fine, go. But if you find yourself lying to your hubbie about this man, or you ommit to tell him you will be meeting him, or you forget to mention you had a thing for him for 4 years that ultimately lead to sex then you are doing wrong by your relationship. End of.

If your hubby is ok with the truth and you wouldnt care 1 jot if the boot was on the other foot then great, go and see him, put your marriage at risk - if hes really worth it.

Sorry for the harsh words, but i fear you need a reality check

If i was going to reunion and i was so worked up about seeing an ex i would give my partner the dignity he deserves and not attend. On the day you wil be glamming yourself up for this man, getting butterflies for this man, wondering what if/but/maybe about this man.

I would not feel comfortable if my oh had these feelings for another, but would accept we all have a past..HOWEVER if he went on to met this other person i would be having a 'we need to talk' conversation. He would have hurt my feelings and dented my trust.. the 2 most important things in a relationship are feelings (ie love, security) and trust. Once they have been tinged you may find you are in for a rocky ride...is this other guy really worth upsetting your hubby about - if he is then i will suggest you arent in the lifelong partnership you think you are

mumOf2wonderfulkids

keeping things from a partner can ruin a marriage,

i am comfortable enough in my relationship to tell DH if i have had more than just a friendship in the past with anyone. you don't have to go into the whole in's and out's of that relationship.

im sorry but i get a strong sense from little snippets of what you have written ie
''really dont know if i could contain myself if i did see him''

''I have never felt this way before ever and have always had these feelings, only for him, and i know he feels the same''

''we just seem to have this chemistry that wont go away''

there is more than just a feeling of wanting to relive your uni days. However much you are trying to tell yourself that you wouldn't do anything etc etc, you just don't know how you would completely be in that situation.
I think if you were completely sure nothing was going to happen you wouldn't mind about introducing DH to your uni friends.

but then again, i don't know how old you are, could it be a secret wishing to be young again? if it was you and all your uni friends in a renuion it would be like a time warp, and maybe your hubby being there would be a reminder that things have changed?


either way, i have to say i agree with everyone else. You should include your hubby.

Oldernotwiser

topsym wrote: »

Why, by talking to him?

Have you told your husband about all this? If not then, yes, you are jeopardising your relationship.

fluffnutter

topsym wrote: »

We are both adults and aware of our responsiblities, and I can fantasise but dont have to act upon it. I'm sure most people are guilty of adultery in their head at some point in their lives if they care to admit it.

That's probably true, topsym. It's not what you think about that matters, it's what you do. So here you go - here's the advice.... Think about him all you like. But arranging to meet him? That's actually doing something isn't it...

topsym

Oldernotwiser wrote: »

Have you told your husband about all this? If not then, yes, you are jeopardising your relationship.

I have told him I have spoken to MRx yes.

fantasia322

No disrespect hon, but you have 3 pages in this thread of varying advice and it almost seems like even though you know what could happen, that you are still looking for reasons to justify meeting up with this guy..................?
I doubt if anyone here is going to validate what you want to do, the choice is yours and yours alone. But if its catch up you want, and to see what he looks like, I'd suggest you tell him to set up a facebook page (if he has'nt already got 1) and post some photo's, and then you can 'see' without the risk of meeting up.
Then (if this is the scenario) you can add him and show your husband, the guy you went to uni with, were such good mates with etc.,
I wish you well whatever you decide to do but would suggest you tread wary and keep everything open and above board.
The male opinions in here should give you a perspective of how your DH would feel if he knew the whole scenario.

flossy_splodge

Can i offer another perspective?
What if you and he were to get together now.
Would you EVER be able to trust him?
Has he told his wife about his contact with you?
If he can be devious with one partner he can be devious with another. Sorry but that's obvious.
So consider if you were in fact his wife and he had this situation with another woman. Can you imagine how you'd feel?
Trust is a massive factor in a relationship and once that is blown I'm not sure you can evber really get it back. You can forgive, but FORGET? I don't think so.
So be realistic about what this situation could potentially do to the trust between you and what you say is a loving husband.
Would it really be worth it?
Sounds to me like you're lonely and under fulfilled so maybe look at ways to address these sorts of issues and when you're busy and happy THEN consider this man. I suspect his attraction would have faded.
Good luck anyway.

Pepzofio

topsym wrote: »

vaio wrote: »

Don’t see a problem…..

Do invite him up and have a “renew the old friendships, catch up on what has been happening over the last 12 years and meet the families” event. Better still if you can also invite other friends from the same era.


I refered to the meeting other friends from uni at the same time, as was suggested, I replied to this and said it would be a good idea/ why is that still meeting in secret??

Better still if you can also invite other friends from the same era.

ALSO - i.e. in addition to your families...

gonzo127

topsym wrote: »

At uni we never went out with each other but were always together and after four years, at the end of uni got together for a what i guess was a goodbye meeting. There had always been chemistry between us in a big way, and before we parted we had a meal together and the inevitable happpened.

topsym wrote: »

but we just seem to have this chemistry that wont go away, and i would like to see him again.

topsym wrote: »

I have always hoped to see him but really dont know if i could contain myself if i did see him, i dont want to start some full blown fling or anything like that, but i do fantasise about being with him.

topsym wrote: »

I have never felt this way before ever and have always had these feelings, only for him, and i know he feels the same,

topsym wrote: »

I just feel I have unfinished business there.

topsym wrote: »

I know its sad, but i feel he's the one that got away.

topsym wrote: »

Well lets say we didnt do the deed until the last night, there may have been a few snogs at various university balls over the years.

topsym wrote: »

We just probably lusted after each other i suppose, not loved each other.

topsym wrote: »

We are both adults and aware of our responsiblities, and I can fantasise but dont have to act upon it.

just a few quotes for you to look at to see if you can actually see why all of us think this would be a bad idea