Am I being awful?

Mutter_2

Read to page 3.

Been there, done it, but didn't. Exactly like you, always wondered what if?

We emailed, but I didn't like the fact he kept our emails secret from his wife. He wanted to talk on the phone, I refused.
Then there was his suggestion he may visit. Ergh no. No way.

I'd gone for a nibble at my past only to find this bloke was far keener than me, wanted to visit me. He is in USA! What a can of worms I opened.
I hit the whole thing on the head.

You should too.

Mutter_2

topsym wrote: »

I can see exactly where you are coming from, but i genuinely dont intend to rekindle anything with him,I just want to see him and put it all to rest in my head.

I know exactly how you feel. It's like you can't move on due to unfinished business.

Mine was simply the love of my life. I chose not to join him in USA. I always felt it was my mistake.

Since we made contact after many years, I asked him to tell his wife and son, after all we only chatted.
I was so turned off from a friendship that he would lie to his wife.

There will be one of you who wants more than the other. Think you said he has a child?

Oh God, think it's so dangerous.
Leave well alone.

property.advert

He was the man of your dreams but he isn't the man of your dreams. Quite a distinction.

Mutter_2

garthdp wrote: »

Well having read through the thread all tthe replies seem to be saying a big fat DONT DO IT the name callers,the ones who chummy up and call her 'hun',the rude, the polite, the ill informed the well informed, Uncle Tom Cobbleigh and all.

I guess some people just cant be told whats good for them.

Go Topsym run and meet this fantasy man who will one day have a beer belly, greying or balding hair,fart like a trooper and all the other things that you probably think he is not and have your fun.But do us a favour,dont bother reporting back cos no one gives a monkeys.....

Troopers swear darling, not fart! Should have known.
If you don't wish to know the outcome garth, don't tune in, pretty simple.

galvanizersbaby

sassy-one wrote: »

I really hope not, for the sake of her husband, but to be honest, if she feels this way now, what real hope has her marriage got for the future?

Quite sad, I could have easily cried over this thread and the OP postings last night while replying, I have been in a messy hurtful marriage break up, it's not nice.

I know how the OP's husband will feel once he finds out - I just hope she lands up with what she deserves, which is nothing and she is no mother role!

The fact that she is even considering it in my mind blows her marriage to bits, specially the fact that she claims she has 'unfinished business' - one word - SICK

What have I missed?...is OP a mother now?!!!!

sassy_one

galvanizersbaby wrote: »

What have I missed?...is OP a mother now?!!!!

Yes, there is a child involved so I have read??

sassy_one

OP, this has been a difficult thread for me to read and advise one but I can honestly say, the simple fact that you have even considered to meet this guy questions your current marriage seriously.


If my wife had told me she had been in contact with someone in the same circumstances as yours and had a sexual past, I wouldn't be angry, I'd be heartbroken, just like your husband may soon be.

I am really annoyed at you, simply because, even though loads of members who have tried to help you and stop you throwing your marriage down the drain, you have last posted you are still thinking about it, even after everyone advising you what will happen. the members who have said it's her life, yes it is, but the choice she makes will not only affect her life, it will affect and change her husbands and her child/childrens.


I feel very sorry for the OP's husband, I wish there were some way of knowing what the OP intends to do and some way of letting her husband know he can comment this forum for advice, because trust me, he will need as much support as he can get for what he may go through.


Everyone who is married still has a right to see/meet people, but from what the OP has explained this is far more than a simple 'old friend' meeting, as she has already stated they have 'unfinished business' that claim alone, sets many alarm bells ringing to me and makes me worried things will lead from one thing to another, and trust me OP, once those things start happening, you will get carried away.


The facts are, you married your husband, promising vows to him and vowed to remain faithful, however you claim you have unfinished business with this uni plank and you are prepared to risk, which is what you are doing, risking your marriage on someone who could just be taking you for a ride, as he is bored and is looking for fun.

A lot of people are going to get hurt here, and you will not get any comfort once that happens as it would have been you who caused such.
HOWEVER, you still have the chance to stop this now, assuming you have not already met this uni plank, and save your marriage and future.

However, again, if you feel so strongly, I am doubtful your marriage will last, as with any marriage, it will go through good and bad, and when yours hits a rocky patch, even if you overcome this situation, I'm concerned your marriage will fall apart from under you.


I am in no way being sexiest, please do not think I am, however many people think it's just men who are the only ones who cheat and have affairs, but this case shows that isn't the case at all.

I don't want to enter all the details on a public forum but, my marriage was far from OK, and I knew nothing about it till the day she did not return home, the Police were involved and she was classed as Missing, 48 hours passed and just as the case was due to be passed to a Major Investigations team, the Police found her, I had the officer break the heartbreaking news to me, right before a New Years day, he was finding it hard to tell me.

My ex had been having an affair with not just one person, a number of person, and that she claimed 'she no longer loved me' that's the only details I was given besides she didn't want us to be together any more and she wanted a divorce.


I spent the next few months feeling very suicidal and not eating or sleeping, I was in bits, thinking it must have been something I did.
Was I not good enough? Did I not do enough? Or may be I was just nobody any more.
I started drinking all the time, I was in tears and would sit at home alone drinking till I fell asleep, I almost landed up in hospital.

The amount of tears I cried could not be explained, and yes, I'm a guy, I am not ashamed to admit I cried, we took vows and made promises, did I ever see it coming what she did?!.... No, I was in shock.


There are feelings I felt that I can't put into words, and all what I went through, your husband will too.

To this very day, even after I divorced her and remarried, I don't know the full picture, but I have found out she started talking to 'males' on line while I was either a sleep or out, these males later led to meets which then led to sex, a clear show that things do 'just happen'.


You are risking your whole marriage on a plank that you don't really know any more nor what he has been up to, he could have 10 kids, be a complete druggie, drinker or worse - but your still going to risk all your marriage on him.



No one here can tell you what to do, we can only merely advise, which from reading the entire thread, most of us have done our very best to help you and do the best thing, by not meeting this guy and forgetting it now before this does ruin your relationship, but from your updated posts, it appears you are stuck on meeting this fantasy man, which in my book is completely wrong.

Your marriage will lose the trust, once that's gone you've lost your ground, therefore, your marriage becoming a very hurtful upsetting breakdown.


Not only will this really hurt your husband, in a year or two, when the fantasy is all over you'll look back, and you'll hurt, not as much as your husband but you will, knowing the damage you had caused.


Entering into marriage is not a easy thing to do, you must know you are 100% sure about it, but from what you state, you have always felt you had 'unfinished business' with the uni guy, meaning, in affect, you married your husband on a dirt slate, which was not only cruel but un necessary.




MSE's maybe the OP is a troll, may be she isn't, I don't think she is, but even if she is, at least this thread as answered questions may be other people were to scared to ask, although even asking or considering what the OP is doing is wrong, as if yo9u are happy in a marriage, you no need to meet any one else.



I can only say I hope the OP does the right thing, and really feel for her husband

Miss_Penny_Pincher_2

Greetings sassy one and sashade! What I meant about my comment that it could help her marriage get stronger is that she has been wondering about this guy for YEARS and meeting him could make her realise the grass isn't greener and renew her commitment to her husband. It may not but it may do!

Why can't old friends meet just because they had a 1 night stand and she fancied him at the time? Do none of you trust yourselves at all?? It's not like she's had an affair yet many of you are quick to judge!

By the way sassy your assumptions are wrong... I am happily married and have been with the same wonderful man for nearly a decade. It doesn't stop me from having the odd ponder about how men from my past are getting on and a quick nosy on Facebook! Please show me where it says in the wedding vows that you aren't allowed to wonder how an ex is getting on? To be honest I'd expect DH to do the same when he has been close to them for years. It would be heartless to not wonder and wish them well when have been so close!

Have only just read your latest post sassy one after I wrote this so am editing to add that I'm really sorry about your ex wife. She really devastated you and it's obviously a very sensitive subject. If topsym is being open to her husband about meeting (maybe omitting some details to spare his feelings - come on my husband tells me I'm most beautiful woman and the only one he ever thinks about hmmm I know he's not being entirely truthful there but it's a white lie that makes me smile) it is a different situation though.

sassy_one

Miss_Penny_Pincher wrote: »

Greetings sassy one and sashade! What I meant about my comment that it could help her marriage get stronger is that she has been wondering about this guy for YEARS and meeting him could make her realise the grass isn't greener and renew her commitment to her husband. It may not but it may do!

Why can't old friends meet just because they had a 1 night stand and she fancied him at the time? Do none of you trust yourselves at all?? It's not like she's had an affair yet many of you are quick to judge!

By the way sassy your assumptions are wrong... I am happily married and have been with the same wonderful man for nearly a decade. It doesn't stop me from having the odd ponder about how men from my past are getting on and a quick nosy on Facebook! Please show me where it says in the wedding vows that you aren't allowed to wonder how an ex is getting on? To be honest I'd expect DH to do the same when he has been close to them for years. It would be heartless to not wonder and wish them well when have been so close!

It might make her marriage stronger? Isn't a marriage strong anyway, or at least should be? why would seeing if the grass is greener be any good to a marriage, specially when chances are it could ruin her current marriage!

We are not quick to judge, we are offering our advice with regards her marriage, which she, the OP is risking by intending to meet this plank.
I have asked my wife if she would consider meeting a 'old friend' or an ex, she is sane and like most of us in this thread, says she would not and it would be a huge bad ideal - that's from a females mouth!

It's not about trust, I trust my wife completely, I trust her when she's out/late or I don't even know what she is doing, like she trusts me.
The point her, the trust will disappear once she meets him, and considering meeting him could seriously put 'buts' in her marriage.

It is simply wrong, and I really feel your post was very unhelpful and wrong, simple as.

No, this isn't about trust, it's about the people you will hurt and upset along the way, what for, to meet some fantasy guy? then clearly your marriage is not worth very much to you, that's all I can say!

If you are happily married, why would you even be interested in any of ex's? and please, do not give me the line, 'because we were once close' when you get married, you put your history with ex's behind you, not still 'feel' for them - that is pure wrong, and I will happily debate that with you till the cows come home, because no one should feel that is right when they are married.

Fact, if you are really 100% happy in your marriage you would not even give a ex or someone you fancied and slept with before a second thought, not alone think about or consider meeting them.

Your husband should be enough, if you want to meet a ex/old fantasy guy then clearly they are not enough for you.

I have been in a marriage and divorced, I know the signs, I know how much it hurts and I know how much the OP's husband will feel, trust me, please do not give such ideals that it's okay to meet a ex, it is not!

I am very happily married now, with children, we both trust each other and always talk to each other, either of us wouldn't even think or contacting a ex not alone meet one!

And no, happily married people do not think of there ex's, so please, do not claim it's okay or they do - that is utter rubbish!

sashadesade

Miss_Penny_Pincher wrote: »

Why can't old friends meet just because they had a 1 night stand and she fancied him at the time? Do none of you trust yourselves at all?? It's not like she's had an affair yet many of you are quick to judge!

I see no problem with old friends meeting up, but there are many things in the OPs posts that suggest it's not as innocent as all that. Put it this way: if you were married and planning to meet up with an old friend who was also married, and there was absolutely nothing between you and no chance of anything happening, you don't exactly need to hide things from your husband and post on an internet forum asking for advice, do you?
I trust myself completely, but statements like this make it hard to believe the OP can be trusted with this man:

'I have never felt this way before ever and have always had these feelings, only for him'; 'I have always hoped to see him but really dont know if i could contain myself if i did see him'; 'we just seem to have this chemistry that wont go away'.

Note that the OP speaks in the present tense about her feelings for this man. Doesn't sound much like she fancied him 'at the time' but the friendship is purely platonic now.