Feeling lost

gratefulforhelp_2

ailuro2 wrote: »

I don't think you're allowed to change the locks, if he is a joint owner he is entitled to force entry, iirc.
Get some professional help tomorrow, when the estate agent comes make it clear you are a joint owner and do not give them permission to act on your behalf.;)

While you're right and I agree with you, if he leaves it will avoid (or at least make less likely) the dreadful situation where he decides 6 months down the line that he's moving back in.

beckseven wrote: »

I think that this has been brewing for a while-I'm not sure if I can afford to buy him out of our house. He says that he wants to be with someone who loves him-he thinks I don't. He says that he is unhappy and wants out. Can we sell the house before he starts divorcing me or does it have to go through court? i think he just doesn't want to live with me anymore but has nowhere else to go-and can't afford to rent a flat-that's why he's in such a rush so he can start again afresh without me.

He should have thought of this before marrying and having children. Married people are not all always happy, but they don't all sugar off regardless of the effects on their kids.

Have you been on the csa website and checked out what you will get for child maintenance? Have you got his national insurance number? It might be useful for that.

I wouldn't necessarily share that info with him unless you want him to change his mind.

Solicitors first thing tomorrow? And where are the kids? Take them with you if you need to.

shellsuit

beckseven wrote: »

I've decided to stop the crying and get practical and strong. Thanks for everyone's help and advice-you've been fantastic. He is a bit of a bully and I'm not going to let him walk all over me-no way. I am a strong intelligent person and I think in the past 13 years he has made me lose my confidence-looking with perspective he is a very selfish person and thinks about himself first-in the past I have done all the housework, childcare, ironing, cooking, clearing up, planning holidays etc plus worked 30 hours a week whilst he just does what he pleases. For instance at the weekend if I work shifts he moans about being 'stuck with the kids' and not being able to do anything. I think he wants to be a single man about town again. anyway enough about him-ive gone on entitled to.com and have seen that being a working parent on my own I'm actually entitled to quite a bit of help-I've never claimed benefits before but if I have to I will. I'm an extremely resourceful person with lots of close friends and family who will help me out so I am lucky. I'm going to keep things amicable with him but I am not going to let him walk all over me. If he is my ex I will not let his sulks and moods affect me anymore because I don't really need to try and keep him happy anymore. In a way I wish he had somewhere to go so I don't have to see his miserable face any more. I feel like I'm going a bit mad with these highs and lows in mood but at least I know there is a way forward.

He does sound like a selfish pig ~ stuck at home with the kids?

They're his children for god's sake, they should come first!

You stay put in the house, if he wants a divorce, then he can sort himself out can't he?!

I hope when your parents get back they will be a great source of comfort for you.

You look after yourself xx

beckseven

I'll check the CSA website as well. I'll also go to the solicitors. The kids are with me tomorrow-i'm working nights tomorrow night. If he is looking for a reaction from me I'm not playing his silly games. His parents have both remarried to partners who wouldnt welcome a lodger! He hasn't got many friends-he's terrible at keeping in contact with people so they get fed up with him being unreliable-he has a close friend up the road but they are a young family so I doubt they'd want him there. He works with a load of young blokes-i don't know if they'd have a room. I don't know if he could afford to move out and pay the mortgage-at the moment he pays the mortgage and bills out of his account and I pay childcare and shopping-do you think that when the childcare gets cheaper I should pay more to the mortgage so he can move out? i don't know what to do

gratefulforhelp_2

I think number one priority is see a solicitor, or see a few if you can get a half hour free. Make sure its a family law solicitor and check they have plenty of experience in this area.

The solicitor will advise you as to where to go next.

I also *sorry* think you should prepare yourself for another person to come out of the woodwork. I'm not saying he is, but statistically, men who leave are likely to be leaving because of an affair *sorry*. Hope its not the case.

Mutter_2

beckseven wrote: »

I've decided to stop the crying and get practical and strong. Thanks for everyone's help and advice-you've been fantastic. He is a bit of a bully and I'm not going to let him walk all over me-no way. I am a strong intelligent person and I think in the past 13 years he has made me lose my confidence-looking with perspective he is a very selfish person and thinks about himself first-in the past I have done all the housework, childcare, ironing, cooking, clearing up, planning holidays etc plus worked 30 hours a week whilst he just does what he pleases. For instance at the weekend if I work shifts he moans about being 'stuck with the kids' and not being able to do anything. I think he wants to be a single man about town again. anyway enough about him-ive gone on entitled to.com and have seen that being a working parent on my own I'm actually entitled to quite a bit of help-I've never claimed benefits before but if I have to I will. I'm an extremely resourceful person with lots of close friends and family who will help me out so I am lucky. I'm going to keep things amicable with him but I am not going to let him walk all over me. If he is my ex I will not let his sulks and moods affect me anymore because I don't really need to try and keep him happy anymore. In a way I wish he had somewhere to go so I don't have to see his miserable face any more. I feel like I'm going a bit mad with these highs and lows in mood but at least I know there is a way forward.

If he considers the marriage over, you can stop doing any of those chores. In fact for you not to be co-habiting for divorce purposes you must not do anything for him, otherwise you have sanctioned his behaviour.
The end of my marriage came like yours but mine had someone waiting for him who'd left her husband. They deserve one another.;)
Mr psycho bully, thought I would be devastated.
He was shocked rigid when he opened my divorce petition the day before his appointment to see a solicitor. I wasn't going to wait for him to divorce me. It felt good to take control.

A tip for you, if you feel as I did that you would like to petition, make sure YOU have the marriage certificate safe as you will need to send it to court.
It will be a rollercoaster of emotions for you, but you have your precious children.

There are lenders who take benefits into account for mortgages or buying the other out. Remember CB plus 25% reduction CT.

beckseven

Do you know what Gratefulforhelp-I'm half expecting this too. He has been so critical of me recently, he has been acting strangely-not coming to bed when I do and sleeping on the sofa because 'there's no point', always fiddling with his phone and now having two phones-one's a work phone, shouting at me and saying that I am boring because I watch telly in the evenings. He just seems very dissatisfied with things and me and he isn't prepared to go to counselling or anything. I know I'm not the perfect wife-especially since the second baby came along and I went back to work- maybe I've been so wrapped up with stuff that I've neglected him-i don't know. I got married for life but I'm too proud to beg him to stay. If he has got someone else then I don't want him anymore.

achtunglady

He says hes nowhere to go, why doesnt he go and stay with the "someone who does love him"

Hugs xxx

thorsoak

beckseven wrote: »

Do you know what Gratefulforhelp-I'm half expecting this too. He has been so critical of me recently, he has been acting strangely-not coming to bed when I do and sleeping on the sofa because 'there's no point', always fiddling with his phone and now having two phones-one's a work phone, shouting at me and saying that I am boring because I watch telly in the evenings. He just seems very dissatisfied with things and me and he isn't prepared to go to counselling or anything. I know I'm not the perfect wife-especially since the second baby came along and I went back to work- maybe I've been so wrapped up with stuff that I've neglected him-i don't know. I got married for life but I'm too proud to beg him to stay. If he has got someone else then I don't want him anymore.

Hmmm....my gut instinct when I read your first post was "there's someone else in the offing" ...second phone - why????

There's another Laydee somewhere....and if you were to move out, she'd move in!!! Stay put - and if you have a joint a/c, look at it carefully - if you haven't already got your own bank a/c, open one now! Are the bills up to date?

beckseven

We've not got a joint bank account-i've got mine and he's got his. The bills are up to date. If he has got someone else there is no way she is moving in! If he has 'moved on' so quickly then he can-I certainly won't be. I want to be my own person and not be at anyone's beck and call but my kids for quite a while-I've been picking up his dirty socks for too long and won't be making the same mistakes twice!

larmy16

Becks I would not be surprised if he has someone else lined up to pick up his socks. I may be wrong but have never been so far.

I know of no man who wants out of a relationship unless they have someone waiting in the wings. They just never (unlike women) really (honestly) need "space" or to "find themselves".

I agree with the others you should stay put. Strangely enough my partner was in this situation with his ex wife. She had gone off with someone else and then demanded he leave the house.

He stayed put (they had a young son at the time + two of her kids who he was bringing up!)- in the end after 18 months of living in a house not speaking to each other, she moved out.

Your kids need the stability and they need you. Let him move out.
Lovely to hear you are feeling stronger. Maybe this will blow over but if he is as cold as you say you sound better off without him.

It is not good to live with someone you are scared of and your kids will pick up on that too.

All the best to you.