Just found out I'm pregnant - am scared

sp1987

chocciefan wrote: »

just got back from dinner with my boyf (now ex)- he says his situation hasn't changed and that he doesn't want to have a baby with me.

i am more upset now as i feel if he truly loved we would get through this together and i know he doesn't obviously love me as we would just deal with this and get through it.

if you truly love someone and know they are the right person for you, it just works. people who get married after a month and fall pregnant after 3 month stay together, others that stay together for 25 years split up, there is no rule is there?

i would only be having the abortion to keep him happy and even then, he could still leave me or I could never fall pregnant again and i could never, ever forgive myself.

You genuinely sound like you want the baby. You mention not being able to get pregnant later on, so you obviously want one at some point?

Sadly you aren't in the best position but you have a good job, a good career and are independant enough to make it work. Better to know now being pregnant than in 5 years when you wanted one quite late on and him telling you he does not want one and was stringing you along, giving you limited time to find someone else to reproduce with.

You will be absolutely fine with it if you want to be, promise! You can go back and work full time if you wish (many people have children and both work full time), it's not ideal but especially for single parents it is more neccessity than wish. You don't have to quit a job you have worked so hard to get into just because a surprise small person has popped up, especially if the money is good you would be mad to give up your (and any future child's) security. There is actually a lot of research (e.g. a sociologist called Arlie Russel Hochschild) that states that women with kids will often stay longer at the office to show willing than a comparable non parent as they feel they need to 'prove' that they aren't nipping away at 3pm. I have a 6 month old and I will be the one away 9-5 each day which guts me a bit, but he won't lose out. He will have it 10x better than if I don't go and we end up penniless :rotfl:


xxx

clearingout

Loopy_Girl wrote: »

Choccie...alot of people go on about how hard it is to be a single Mum etc etc and don't get me wrong, there are trying times but to be honest I didn't/haven't found it the worst thing in the world to deal with...truth be known I think it's better as from Day 1 it's your way and your rules...from the day I brought my daughter home from hospital I implemented a routine and had no 'helpful' intervention;)

I agree with that entirely Loopy. I had two with my ex and the third on my own and I know which one has been easiest to deal with! It may well have had something to do with his personality, but honestly, he's been an angel and I have loved having him. It has gone far too quickly - he's almost one and it's not fair!!!!

Original Poster - good luck. It is a frightening time and worse trying to deal with the breakdown of a relationship at the same time (been there, done that) but you will cope and you will be fine and you will look back on this episode in your life as something that had to happen to lead you to whatever wonderful things life has to throw at you in the future.

ceridwen

Well - i suppose the first thing is to sit down and ask yourself whether you actually wanted a baby at some level.

The reasons I ask that:
a. Only using a condom as your contraception - as condoms have a noticeable "failure rate"

b. Not getting the morning after Pill after the incident you mention

I wonder whether someone who was determined not to get pregnant would have been on the Pill - instead of using a condom.

Certainly someone who was determined not to get pregnant would have been frantic with worry after the incident you mention - and headed straight off that day/the next day to get the morning after Pill.

But - as was pointed out to you earlier - if you do decide not to have a termination - then you could always get it adopted. As I understand it - there are loads of couples unable to have a baby themselves that would love to give a good home to a newborn.

HOWMUCH

Oldernotwiser wrote: »

No he doesn't! At this stage the "baby" is just a few cells and the OP could have a termination without telling him if she wanted to.

But the father is expected to contribute for the next 18years in most cases even when he doesn't want the pregnancy to continue. And just to let you know I am female. So I strongly feel that the decision has to be the right one for both parties. If you are going to work and self support then the decision is yours alone.

HOWMUCH

Right this is my reply to the original poster, sorry things have turned out the way they have. I had a daughter in 1984 at the age of 29 which was quite old at the time, most people had them between 21-25 and I had my son in 1989 at the age of 34. I lost a marriage due to the fact that he didn't love me enough to wait until I was ready for children. I too had a plan and he didn't give me the choice to have my opinion should I have children sooner than the plan. He had an affair after six years of marriage, we had been together a total of 11 years. I remarried and had my children when I was and felt ready. I put my career first before children and have never regretted it, oh yes things would have been different in my life or would they I will never know. I only know that I met a wonderful man whilst going through my divorce he was alittle younger than me, we have two beautiful children, he is disabled and I have HAD to work all our married life to give us the life my plan and myself wanted for us. So plans can work out.

Your ex had a plan and sorry a baby came too early in it, it's not to say that he doesn't love you it's just he's not ready for the child yet.

NOW you have to get on with your plan with your baby if that's what you truly want.

Good Luck for the future.

Molly41

sp1987 wrote: »

Sadly you aren't in the best position but you have a good job, a good career and are independant enough to make it work.

There is never a good time or the best position as regards having a baby. I wish you lots of luck with your journey into motherhood - you sound to me like you will cope brilliantly. I had FOUR unplanned pregnancies - I had each and every one of them. I also changed direction with my career after the birth of my fourth child, went back to uni and studied to be a midwife gaining a first class degree. Children are not limiting - they add excitement and perspective to your life. They are very hard work but it doesnt sound like you would shy away from that x

Flower08

ceridwen wrote: »

I wonder whether someone who was determined not to get pregnant would have been on the Pill - instead of using a condom.

Quite a generalisation - I am determined not to get pregnant yet i am not on the pill...


OP - sorry to hear about your (ex) partner, but like others have said perhaps it is better you have found out what he is like now. I dont buy this whole "different people have different plans" thing - even if it wasnt in his 'plan' it is his duty to stand up to the mark and support you, which he hasnt done.
I wish you all the luck in the world, i dont think you will need luck though - you sound like a wonderful strong woman, and your baby will be very lucky to have you as a mum.

gratefulforhelp_2

OOh have you decided to keep it? I was lurking earlier in the thread. Good.

Congratulations and enjoy the little one.

Loopy_Girl

HOWMUCH wrote: »

But the father is expected to contribute for the next 18years in most cases even when he doesn't want the pregnancy to continue.

And so he should. No contraception is 100% safe so therefore any logical and mature adult (which this man sounds to be) should realise that when you have sex, there is always a chance a pregnancy can occur and that responsibilities have to be taken for that.

He has renounced his emotional support but the financial support isn't so easy to walk away from.

chocciefan

Hi again everyone,

Just wanted to log in and say a virtual hello. I am really tired today, don't know if it is because of the emotional exhaustion or tiredness from my body changing.

Ceridwen - Thanks for your comments, it's interesting to read and appreciate all views on the subject. I don't think there's too much point going through all my contraceptive issues and worries. I have spent hours and hours going through turmoil alone and have to accept and face up to the consequences. You sound a very focused and ironfisted woman. That is meant in the nicest way. I admire that if things don't go according to your plan, you abandon that and start a new plan. I've found that doesn't work in my life and life throws up all different types of experiences and shocks, which I've always adapted to and worked through and come out fine and happy the other end.

I'm not too worried about the financial aspect - I have some savings and am in a reasonably well paid job. I'll see what the situation brings but will expect a reasonable contribution from the father and this will also (as my funds will) be used to start a nest egg for the baby's future.

Off to make some cupcakes now, as have some loved ones coming for a tea party and plan to tell them all about the new stage of my life approaching.

Have a great weekend everyone and I'll post soon.

xxx