Just found out I'm pregnant - am scared

JaneRN

OP - I was 16 when I found out I was pregnant and it was the most terrifying time of my life. That was over 28 years ago and as far as my father was concerned it was the worst crime I could have committed. What made it worse was my sons father had long since gone and when he found out, denied it was his.
I had to rethink my career options and had to delay some things but have a very fullfilling career.
It is scarey but I get from your post that a change of direction career wise may in fact be a positive rather than a negative, given the description of the older women you work with. You seem more worried about the impact on your OH and his feelings. I suspect that you are not too unhappy about the prospect of a child and a change of career and so I hope you are not persuaded to make a decision you later struggle with. Having an unplanned babay is not the end of the world and may be the beginning of a whole new one.
Wishing you well in the future.

Plans_all_plans

Oldernotwiser: I never claimed LIFE was unbiased. I said they were a pro-life organisation...

Plans_all_plans wrote: »

that offers counselling to those who are unexpectedly pregnant. They offer a non-judgmental ear and they will not try to force their beliefs on you... I...went to LIFE and found them to be...helpful in listening to how I felt

I was speaking from my own personal experience of both LIFE and Marie Stopes counsellors. I also said that LIFE wouldn't give you details about abortion organisations, but that they could offer practical help, support and advice to those experiencing unintended pregnancies. There is nothing wrong with suggesting someone contacts such an organisation. I won't add any more because, like miss independent, I dont think it helps choccie fan.

OP, good luck once again.

Loopy_Girl

Plans_all_plans wrote: »

Hi OP, I totally understand where you are coming from. I was in a similar situ as you. I was in the middle of my finals at uni, my boyfriend still had 2 more years of his degree left to do and we had only been together 5 months and found out I was expecting. STRESS!! Although I was brought up to be pro-life, our first thought was that the situation was a nightmare and that we couldn't cope with a child. I booked and rebooked appointments to terminate but I knew in my heart I just couldn't do it.

I think my b/f would have been massively relieved at the time if I'd been ok with going through with the procedure, but I knew I'd be racked with guilt the rest of my life and so in the end, thought that if it came to it and he did a runner, I'd go it alone with the baby. I also knew that I'd never forgive him if he wouldn't support my decision to have our daughter and that it would spell the end of us. I would have felt like he only wanted me for sex if he couldn't cope with the (granted unintended, but still possible) consequences of the act.

What happened though was that I moved home with my parents, got a full time job, he carried on with his degree and got a part time job, giving me 2/3rds of his wages for the baby. He visited us as often as he could, even though we were 300 miles away. Once he graduated he got a full time job, I gave up work to be a stay at home mum and we recently got married.

I strongly feel that if you are prepared to work at it then, even in the most mad circumstances (as outlined above!), having a baby doesn't mean the end of the world.

I wish you all the very best of luck.

What a lovely story am glad it all worked out for you (but then I am a fluffy romantic!!)

I haven't read all the posts but re the termination. I agree with brians daughter on page 1...if you're immediate thought is that you 'can't do it' then I don't think you can 'talk yourself round'.

I was 25 when I got accidently pregnant (was on the Pill) and it wasn't a suitable time or even the person I was with. We were having a 'good time' and a baby wasn't in the plans. Found out on the Thursday, told him on the Monday and his first reaction (brace yourself) was to literally get down on his knees and beg me to abort...anyway I digress...I took a weekend and I unplugged the phone and ignored the door and thought about what I wanted. Like you, my immediate response was that I couldn't go through with it (personal feeling, I have no moral issues over abortion...christ, it's legal and everything now!) as I would never forgive myself and probably end up a basket case with the guilt..I also worried of medical implications.

But then having it....whooooo...quite clear from his actions that I was going to be a single Mother and that scared the bejesus out of me..I lived in a one bedroomed flat, I had a fabby job and an even better social life...and as my Dad pointed out when I told him I was pregnant 'but you can't even keep a plant alive!!!' (true but harsh I feel!!!)

Anyway...I took the time and I finally came to the conclusion that I would probably regret an abortion way more than having a baby. Truth be known I don't think I could have ever had one...and it was handy that my Dad is dead set against them (they're babies, not puppies!!) as when I told him I had his full support.

My point is really that you can only do what you feel is the best thing...I know you have a Partner and I know that he has to be taken into consideration but to be blunt, it's not the men that have the abortion and live with it. We have this 'discussion' on the CSA board many times over and my feeling is that if a woman decides to continue with a pregnancy then the Partner should be supportive as he was there at the conception...NO contraception is 100% and particularly in your case you were both aware of a dodgy condom.

You will get many thoughts and stories here and I wanted to share mine. It's a frikkin scary time and takes up all your head space but I think once you have made your decision then you will feel a sense of peace and whatever that decision is then you will know it's best for you.

Good luck and sorry for rambling:o

Loopy_Girl

Also wanted to add that I now have an angel of an 8 year old:D

Yes my life changed dramatically (obviously!!) and I wept for days when I had to sell my 'single gal' flat and I had a crappy few years but I am now in a house that I own and have a career that is totally different to what I was doing.

New chapters and all that;)

sp1987

I think the only question you need to ask yourself is could you go through with/handle a termination??

Your answer to that seems like a big no, which means you need to look ahead and plan for the future and you will be fine. If you want a baby at some point then this is just bad timing for what you want. The only people who need to be really concerned are those that really don't want a child, ever.

I fell pregnant just before my finals on the pill (maybe something about finals?!) and considered both options. After much thought I realised I could not have a termination, so I was having a baby. It wasn't the 'wow a baby' I had hoped during my pregnancy, but 'just thank goodness I'm not having a termination'. In fact I had quite a miserable pregnancy as I had to delay everything I had planned to do and saw everyone I knew doing things other than sitting eating jaffa cakes. :rotfl:Seriously, it seems like about the worst thing that could happen for a while, but you will adapt like you will not believe (and not just cope...cope is almost like compromise..something you don't want but put up with!). Your mind just alters and you look at people who don't want kids as being the opposite to you rather than looking at people with kids as poor souls dealing with brats (seriously, I always felt pity for parents, lol).

As for the sleepless nights...our son spent 4 weeks giving us zero sleep but from the age of 6-12 weeks he slept through the night (at 6 weeks it was a solid 6 or 7 hours which is more than enough when you have had none, lol). You don't even really notice the nappies (you'll know what I mean if you continue, you just don't think about it...and I am really squeamish!). Our son only dirties nappies once a day as he saves it up (sounds horrendous but my gosh it makes life easier as you know if you have had it already it won't happen again :rotfl:), the rest of them are just wet so easily changed.

As for the lady who couldn't care for a plant, neither can I. My child is fine and I am good with animals but there is no chance I could keep a plant alive for more than a few days.

chocciefan

Hi again everyone,

I had a chat with my boyfriend last night and he is adament that he doesn't want this baby.

He's not sure about the future and that includes me. This is the man that said he wanted to marry me!!

That was all I needed to hear to realise that I will be bringing up this baby alone.

Going to the doctor's now, but will post again later.

Plans_all_plans

I am sad to hear that choccie fan. Hopefully you will be able to work something out with him in the long run.

On a practical note: there is lots of information here about maternity/other benefits you may be entitled to and I found the site most useful myself when I was pregnant http://www.direct.gov.uk/en/moneytaxandbenefits/benefitstaxcreditsandothersupport/expectingorbringingupchildren/index.htm

Good luck. It's a scary and daunting time, but I believe it will all work out well for you in the end if you have enough support from other areas like family/friends.

Siemo

I've just read this thread and just wanted to say i think you're doing the right thing keeping the baby as it sounds like you would regret a termination (i know people that have suffered so much after taking the "easy way out" - be assured it is definitely not easy).

I'm just so sorry your partner has let you down so badly, sounds like he's been stringing you along and not being truthful about what he wants long term. Better you find out now than in 5 years time, but you must be hurting so much right now. Do you have family who will support you, or a close friend you can confide in? Its great that so many people on this board are trying to help and give you advice but i feel like you need someone who can give you a big hug, let you have a cry and listen to you talk through your options without being judgmental or trying to get you to do something you don't want to.

Having a baby is the most life changing thing you will ever do, but its also the most amazing and wonderful thing. I know it seems difficult right now as you have a career etc to think about, but plenty of mums continue with their careers, and anyway i think babies put everything else into perspective and help you realise what's really important to you. And you never know, once he's got over the shock you might find your BF comes round to the idea. Like you said, you're not teenagers, and at 35 he's got to grow up one day

Good luck

xmaslolly76

(((hugs))) choccie I cant imagine what you are gong through right now. As Rach said at least you found out now where you stand rather than later on. I hope all goes well at the doctors and wish you a happy healthy pregnancy :-) x

belfastgirl23

Just to say, you've both had a big shock and are trying to think things through in different ways. I'd advise trying not to take anything too personally at the minute (difficult I know) - I'm sure his feelings are changing all the time too as he trys to adjust to the shock. Just try to look after yourself and keep yourself well, everything else will sort itself out one way or another.