Just found out I'm pregnant - am scared

chocciefan

Hello all,

I found out last night that I am pregnant.

I am 29 my boyfriend is 35 and we have been together for a year. We don't live together and we are both very career focused, travel a lot for work and hadn't even thought about children.

We are solid and happy together but tend not to rush into things - hence not living together and being very happy as we are.

I think **hangs head in shame** that this happened about a month ago, when the condom kept falling on and off. We were both foolish and presumed as it wasn't split and that it stayed on in the end that it would be ok, it obviously wasn't.:o

My boyfriend is really not ready for this. He goes away for business every month and is driven running his company. He hasn't said this, but I don't think he wants me to keep it. It's just what I have picked up.

I don't really know how I feel at the moment. Yes, it is not ideal but I don't think I can go through with a termination. I would be racked with guilt and then if I never fell pregnant again, I would never, ever forgive myself.

I also feel that we need to take responsibility for our actions. We are not teenagers where a pregnany would ruin our lives, we are adults and need to face up to the consequences, not take the easy way out.

I am scared that this will turn into a situation where I want it and he doesn't. It may look like I am trying to trap him - I promise I'm not.

Has anyone been in a situation where with an unexpected pregnancy one partner wants it and the other doesn't.

Thank you for reading.

pinknfluffy0

Do not have an abortion for someone else. If you choose to then fine but make sure its you thats making the choice.

Some times you just need to give yourself time to let it sink in when its a shock.

pinknfluffy0

Also give him time to get his hear around it too. You might be surprised.

pinkmexican

No one can tell you what to do, this is you and your partners decision and you both need to sit down and be honest with each other.

One thing I can tell you is that I had huge problems staying pregnant, and we really wanted a baby, however from the moment I got pregnant and it seemed to be sticking, I had all the doubts that you are having - and that's when it was planned - so all your doubts are to be expected and perfectly normal.

Good luck with your decision.

P

gonzo127

well although you are scared and you dont know what to do the best thing to do is have a fully open and honest talk with you OH,

ask him how he feels and what he thinks you should do, and you have to take into account that he could be just as scared as you are

explain you feelings about termination and your fears about 'what happens if i cant get pregnant again' - but also take into account that a termination will usually not harm your future ability to get pregnant (thank you to everyone who has pointed out my error in initially not pointing out that this is not 100% and that it could cause problems in future) - also termination is not 'the easy way out' as you do have to live with the consiquences of that as well which will also need to be thought about

as for trapping him - well that really doesnt come into it these days, the shear amount of single parents about these days should be proof enough that you can get along just fine without have to keep your OH against their will - sorry for the dramatic wording but you know what i mean :P

hngrymummy

Most people who find out they're preganant go in to panic, because they can suddenly see their whole life changing. My bump is very much wanted and long tried for, yet when I found out, I was terrified and thinking 'what have I just done??' A month later and I'm still half terrified to be honest.

You need to speak to your OH about this. Maybe when he finds out you're pg he'll be delighted, maybe he won't. He'll most likely be as terrified as you are. But you'll not know until you speak to him. You need to discuss how having this baby and staying together would affect you, and how you could make it work (if you both want it).

Don't rush in to any decision, although obviously you do have a timeframe to work to now. Take your time and think it through. There are organisations out there who will listen to you (can't think of any names off-hand, but I'm sure someone on here will know).

If you find out that you really do want this baby, and he really doesn't, that's the time to sit yourself down and figure out how you're going to make this work, and what support he will provide for you. You sound like you have your head screwed on, which is a good start.

best of luck.

EmptyPockets

If you have only just found out about your pregnancy, then you do have some time to sit back, take stock of everything, and really think about it all. You must talk with your boyfriend. Make sure you both promise to be open and honest about your feelings, that way you will not start feeling paranoid and be trying to 'pick up' on what he really thinks. If he isn't honest with you, you can't be a mind-reader.

Whatever decision you make, it will be what's best for the two of you and your baby. Just take your time and you'll see it'll work out right in the end, even if it has come as a huge shock to begin with.

Good luck,

EP x

Make-it-3

I'm sure its a shock for the both of you and a scary one too! While if you do decide to terminate sooner is better, you do need to think things over for yourself and ensure the decision is what YOU really want. Yes, his views are important, but yours much more so.

If you decide to keep it - he may or may not come round - you need to think about how you would manage in either scenario
If you decide to terminate make sure it is really your choice. Modern abortion methods rarely leave women sterile, so you don't have to think this is your one and only chance for a family

brians_daughter

ok, fact - if you cannot go through with a termination then you cant do it - end of. If you have any doubt in your mind then its not a good idea. I am not anti-abortion but i am anti making the wrong choice for you!

As much as you love your partner just like everyother relationship there is nothing set in stone to say you will be togther in 1, 5 or 10 years time... you have to live with your decision - whatever you decide - for ever.

With my last son my oh had had the snip 12 months earlier, so you can imagine what a shock that was! We were on track to ' have it all' money and career wise prior to getting preg with this one, and things will change dramatically but there you go - its life.

It will take time for you to come to terms with it -him probably longer! Things usually (i say usually in the context that i know a few ppl this has happened to) become real at the 12 week scan. This is when mens emotions may start to rouse ie it becomes real,a dn they have 'proof' ona screen so to speak

Maybe worth you buying one of the clearblue tests that tell you how many weeks pregnant you are, so whatever you decide you know how far gone you are

With Termination of Pregnancy methods these days it is rare for you to be left with fertility issues, especially at such an early stage


You can try http://www.careconfidential.com/ You can get online councelling. You post your situation (privately too a councellor) and they reply within 48 hours, usually sooner. It could help - its all very practical advice such as draw up a list of pros and cons blah blah but it may help your mindset

pigpen

gonzo127 wrote: »

explain you feelings about termination and your fears about 'what happens if i cant get pregnant again' - but also take into account that a termination will not harm your future ability to get pregnant - also termination is not 'the easy way out' as you do have to live with the consiquences of that as well which will also need to be thought about

that isn't always true.. it can cause adhesions and scar tissue ruptured uterus, infections which can lead to infertility and cervical incompetence.

oP.. noone can tell you what to do this is something you need to look at for yourself.

My OH was VERY reluctant to have children right now.. and it has taken the whole pregnancy for him to get his head round it.. but he has.

You need to sit down and talk about this.. lots!

brians_daughter

pigpen wrote: »

that isn't always true.. it can cause adhesions and scar tissue ruptured uterus, infections which can lead to infertility and cervical incompetence.

Whilst what you say is correct i think that last stats i looked at werevery very low. With everything medical there is a risk - even taking anti biotics etc (not to fertility but allergic reaction etc - i piont this out to ensure op has a rounded view). OP if you decide to terminate the clinic will go through all this with you - pease dont be taking what we say as gospel.

OP if you are considering termination i would also look at
http://www.bpas.org/
http://www.mariestopes.org.uk/Womens_services/Abortion.aspx

The links look at different methods and whats involved.

I would also suggest talking this through with someone prior to making any decision - although the decision needs to be yours sometimes a 2nd viewpoint is beneficial