Just found out I'm pregnant - am scared

Pixiechic

Hi Choccie,

I understand that you must feel very confused right now. I think that your boyfriend may well be shocked initially but give him time to let it sink in, I'm not saying that he will change his mind but he might.
This is your decision and you need the right support whatever your decision is. Take your time and try not to worry. You sound more than capable of being a single Mum but if you choose not to then thats okay too.

Take care

Chakani

I'm so sorry your bf has reacted this way Choccie. It must make your decisions even harder and more painful. Please keep posting here, it's a goldmine of advice and support. If you can find someone in real life to support you as well, even better, don't be afraid to talk. xxx

hngrymummy

Hi Choccie

Don't hold this against him. He may be having a bit of a "aarrghhhhhhh" reaction. Because you're not married or living together it's easier for him to 'run away' from it a bit.

For now, take the time to figure out what YOU want to do. It's time to really think about whether you want it or not. Don't listen to anyone else except yourself. Don't be talked or persuaded into anything that you are not comfortable with.

I can only give you my thoughts on keeping it.

A baby needn't be the end of everything that you know. Do you want to carry on with your current career? If so, take a look at what maternity benefits your company have, and maybe even look at part-time work for a while after the birth. My boss is so keen to keep me that he's already suggested part-time as an option (I'm going to think about it). Or is this the push you need to have a complete change and retrain to do something else?

Don't be scared of the 'how will I copes'. You will find a way. You'll be surprised at how much support you'll get, and how many 'long-term loans' you'll be offered from people who intend to have more kids, so have kept everything, but don't have anywhere to store it!!

I can't remember, do you live near family or close friends at all? If the worst should happen with OH, maybe look at moving close to family and close friends so that they can support you.

As for the charities, why not contact both? Then you'd get a biased opinion from both sides, and have a little chuckle when they both use the same piece of data to prove their own point

Best of luck to you.

helphelphelphelp

Hi there

I was in the same position as you back in January last year when I found out I was pregnant though was further gone. My partner didnt want the baby but I couldnt consider a termination (was too far gone and would have to have given birth). I now have a beautiful, healthy 14 month old daughter who I raise on my own. Her dad sees her now and again but is not really involved. It was his choice that he didnt want a child and my choice that I did. Neither was right or wrong, just right for each of us.

I wouldnt let anyone tell you what is best for you. It is really hard being a single mum, but there are obvious rewards. But I should also imagine it would be hard emotionally having a termination. So this is really only a decision you alone can make. Talk about it with others but I would suggest not letting anyone influencing you to terminate as there is no going back (dont get me wrong, I am not anti-abortion, just that because it is so final you do need to be 100% sure it is the right decision for you).

I hope you find some answers

x

summerday

Hi there,

Sorry you're going through this unexpected difficult time right now. I strongly advise you and your partner to take time, a week or two, to keep thinking and discussing the situation.

Has your partner said if he ever wants children? He does sound very career focused, nothing wrong with that, but if he hopes for kids 'one day' in the future, then his life would be disrupted just as much in the future as they would in 8 months time, iyswim?

Please research your company's maternity benefits so you know where you stand and if you did have to cope alone (or even if you don't), what you'd get. Did you know that new mums are entitled to take up to a whole year mat leave (under certain conditions eg need to have been in the same job for a certain period), even though not all of it is paid? So you could be with your baby for a whole year as you've stated you'd always hoped to be able to stay with your little one. Then, perhaps part time work is an option, so you don't have to give up your career, it doesn't have to be a straight choice of career vs baby. Depending on your income, you may be entitled to tax credits, plus CSA from your partner, whether or not he decides to stay.

I can see where you're coming from re telling your friends, and it may seem a little embarassing initially, but they'll soon forget about it. Sometimes these things just happen, contraception failures, even to respectable, decent people If you do decide to keep it the just tell your friends confidently and matter of factly that you're having a baby, rather than act sheepish or ashamed, they will most likely follow your stance!

I recently turned 30, did get pregnant (planned) at 29, sadly miscarried. I read lots of fertility books that gave a strong message that fertility in women declines from age 20, so I'm glad I haven't left it any longer to start a family, I know lots of women do start families later but there are no guarantees. From what you've posted, you sound like you definitely do want a family, are you willing to do so on your own if needs be?

For what it's worth, I'm not anti-abortion in any way either, very much believe in every woman making the right choice at the right time for her. But the most important thing of all is for you and partner to keep thinking ad talking it over to come to the right decision.

Take care,
sarah xx

ajaney

Just wanting to send you a hug. Even though my OH & I had been trying for a baby for a while, when it did happen it was a huge shock to us both. It's life changing, it's scary, it's a huge deal.

Theres every chance your partner will change the way he thinks given time & when he knows your decision is to proceed with the pregnancy. Whether you can forgive his behaviour is quite another thing. My OH couldnt wait for our little one to enter the world to make it 'real to him' - The fathers don't bond like we do during the pregnancy in my opinion.

Wishing you all the best.

Torry_Quine

I would agree that you need to speak to someone outside the situation who will go through all the options with you.

careconfidential.com is somewhere that you can get the support you need.

They will talk through all options including termination and although they can not refer you willl tell you anything you need to know.

It is entirely your decision and no one should ever tell you what to do but be aware if you have an abortion without being sure that this is what you really want you are more likely to experience psychological problems.

smarties84

Big hugs, i cannot imagine what you are going thru. A baby is so precious, you will do this and you'll be a great mum wether thats alone or with your partner xx

chocciefan

hi again everyone,

had a good chat at doc's - they can't confirm how many weeks I am, but have referred me to the antenatal clinic at the hospital.

just got back from dinner with my boyf (now ex)- he says his situation hasn't changed and that he doesn't want to have a baby with me.

i am more upset now as i feel if he truly loved we would get through this together and i know he doesn't obviously love me as we would just deal with this and get through it.

if you truly love someone and know they are the right person for you, it just works. people who get married after a month and fall pregnant after 3 month stay together, others that stay together for 25 years split up, there is no rule is there?

i would only be having the abortion to keep him happy and even then, he could still leave me or I could never fall pregnant again and i could never, ever forgive myself.

i would rather walk down the road with my baby alone, with my head held high than hold out for a man that 'might' change his mind.

i want him to support me because he loves me and his behaviour is saying it all.

it kills me that i fell in love with a man who is not the man i thought he was.

i suppose you never really know people do you

p.s sorry for the appalling grammar, i am very tired

miss_independent

chocciefan wrote: »

hi again everyone,

had a good chat at doc's - they can't confirm how many weeks I am, but have referred me to the antenatal clinic at the hospital.

just got back from dinner with my boyf (now ex)- he says his situation hasn't changed and that he doesn't want to have a baby with me.

i am more upset now as i feel if he truly loved we would get through this together and i know he doesn't obviously love me as we would just deal with this and get through it.

if you truly love someone and know they are the right person for you, it just works. people who get married after a month and fall pregnant after 3 month stay together, others that stay together for 25 years split up, there is no rule is there?

i would only be having the abortion to keep him happy and even then, he could still leave me or I could never fall pregnant again and i could never, ever forgive myself.

i would rather walk down the road with my baby alone, with my head held high than hold out for a man that 'might' change his mind.

i want him to support me because he loves me and his behaviour is saying it all.

it kills me that i fell in love with a man who is not the man i thought he was.

i suppose you never really know people do you

p.s sorry for the appalling grammar, i am very tired

You sound like an amazing person, truly. Even though you are most likely hurt and heartbroken, you sound like someone who is strong and courageous. You will get through this, as easy as it is for me to say, but you will come out of it with someone who loves you and will never leave you, your child.

Thinking of you and wishing you all the best. I admire you so much for your attitude.