Just found out I'm pregnant - am scared

Plans_all_plans

Just wanted to say I really do wish you all the luck in the world. You sound a lovely woman. Please do have a good talk to your boyfriend about this and come back on here for support if need be. My story tells it all: the most wonderful endings can come from truly scary beginnings.

brians_daughter

chocciefan wrote: »

I think (as I am) he is going to feel uncomfortable explaining to our friends and family how two sensible, mature people acted so irresponsibly and didn't cover all bases.

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You sound like a wonderful lady who has her head screwed on! As for the above sentiment i can assure you that any member of your family or friend who is worth their title will be overjoyed for you!! I promise x

I think, going from your post, you have made your decision but are concerned of the concequenses. Dont be, just be strong and everything else will slip into place. You oh may be shocked, but give him time and see what happens

My Great -grandmother had a saying that is so true 'Well love, it all comes out in the wash'

clairehi

chocciefan wrote: »

I
He is a very traditional man and I think wanted us to date for a couple of years, get engaged, married and then think about children.

I think he is so shocked because in his eyes this was never 'the plan'.


It is made worse that his work colleagues always complain about sleepless nights, life changes having kids. I know he has been influenced by this and always thought of himself as lucky as he doesn't have this.

Last night he said we aren't prepared, we aren't ready. He said I have a small one bed, top floor flat in the City, you want to travel for work as I do, we want to enjoy each other more. He works a 14 hour day and needs his sleep and gets very tired. He kept saying this is it, it's life changing, a baby changes you.

I am now feeling very insecure that he's not sure if he wants to be with me forever. If I do have the baby we will be connected together forever (even if we broke up) and I think that may scare him (even though I know he loves me).

He is a wonderful man but as a single, career driven man has had or has no responsibility or complications in life. He's enjoyed (quite rightly too) the good life and I know he wants that to continue as he works so hard.

My other thoughts are fear about losing my own career. I have worked SO, SO hard on my career since leaving uni. I work in a looks driven, male dominated industry and I know deep down that I would be saying good bye to my career. I actually don't mind that, as I am surrounded my beautiful, driven but very unhappy women who have left it too late to have children and I always felt so sad for them. I know a child and love is more important than a corporate company.

I want to stay at home with the baby and be there for him/her like my mum was but I'm worried that he will think I'm trying to trap him and he will have to fund us both and he may lose respect for me if I give up my careeer. We'll be living together, I'll be pregnant and it will be such a change. I'm petrified!

I have a doctor's appt tomorrow to find out how far gone I am and I'm sure I will be a bit more informed then.

Thanks again to everyone who has read and replied.

Its obvious that you have thought this through very carefully.

Your DP sounds like he has a very fixed view of his life timetable. I had a male friend like that. His GF was on the point of leaving him before he agreed to move out of cental London, get married and try for a baby.

Eventually he was "ready" and they tried for a baby for 5 years...3 IVF attempts....1 miscarriage....lots of tears. they now have a baby girl, but my point is that you just can't assume that you will definitely be able to have a child as and when you want one, life is just not predictable like that.

however there is a difference between not feeling "ready" and just not wanting kids at all. The sleepless nights/dirty nappies stuff is a red herring, that accounts for a few months/couple of years of your life tops but you then have a person who you are both biologically bound to for life, as you say. Can he cope with that?

Re your own career, it sounds like you know this career is not forever, for you. I changed career after kids and went into a public sector job which is much more family friendly, less glam, but you have to be honest with yourself about whats really important in the long run.

gonzo127

hey sweetie, really does sound as if your OH is scared stiff! i know i was when my wife fell pregnant and that was planned.

give him a bit of time to get his head around it, maybe direct him to a couple of websites and forums, one i found particulaly good was baby centre as it has a specific fathers section in the forums where he can get support and information from other fathers

bare in mind the saying, ' a women is a mother from the moment of conception, a man is only a father form the moment he holds his baby' - this is so true for most people, myself included, although i was scared, excited and really into the pregnancy as much as i could be, it did not fully sink in untill the moment the midwife handed me my beautiful baby girl - it was extra special (in my mind at least) for me as she was crying when handled by the midwife and other staff however as soon as they put her in my arms she went quiet should have known then that she was going to be a daddys girl

Oldernotwiser

Plans_all_plans wrote: »

Thanks for the confirmation.

No comment on the fact that Life was also biased?

Oldernotwiser

miss_independent wrote: »

Go to a Life pregnancy care centre and say the same thing and they will say " Ok, lets make a cuppa, here take a tissue and tell me what is it that makes you feel like you can't cope? What would you need to "cope"?" and then they help figure out out how to access what you need, whether its baby clothes, a pram or a place to live if you're going to get kicked out. My local one even has a parent and baby group for mums that are struggling to adjust and need a bit of a vent over a cup of tea whilst their kids can have a play.

Is that really your idea of unbiased advice? It sounds to me like not very subtle brainwashing masquerading as unbiased advice!

miss_independent

Oldernotwiser wrote: »

Is that really your idea of unbiased advice? It sounds to me like not very subtle brainwashing masquerading as unbiased advice!

No, I don't see that as brainwashing. It is a technique that is used in person-centered counselling where the person seeking counselling is placed at the centre of the model so that all their decisions and trains of thought come from themselves.

I can see that you are anti- LIFE, that is your choice and I respect that it is your opinion. I am not about to get into nit-picking and arguing on a thread which is supposed to be helping the OP. I do however believe that you are giving an unfair representation of a charity which could help the OP. I am stepping out of this because I have seen far too many a termination and pregnancy thread which originates from a poster's true need for help and advice disintegrate into a moral and political slanging match out of which people can get hurt through what is said. This is not a debate thread the OP's situation is unique to her. I advised an organisation which I believe may be able to help her as others did, it is up to her what she does with the information on this thread. Whatever happens OP, I wish you the best of luck.

pulliptears

personally I feel that all these organisations will always try and put their own slant on things.

I feel Op would be much better sitting down on her own with a cuppa and a pen and paper and making her own for/against lists and working through the situation in her own head. Others will always sway a decision, be it purposefully or not.

graemecarter

Oldernotwiser wrote: »

No he doesn't! At this stage the "baby" is just a few cells and the OP could have a termination without telling him if she wanted to.

So the baby is not his at all?

At what stage during a pregnancy does the baby become his?

Chakani

graemecarter wrote: »

So the baby is not his at all?

At what stage during a pregnancy does the baby become his?

Of course any baby is equally a product of mother and father. The problem is that having that baby or not has greater repercussions for the mother, and the physical things she has to go through to either abort or give birth are things that she and she alone can decide on.

When my OH and I had an unplanned pregnancy I felt both sides of this very strongly - firstly that it had to be my choice what I did, because it was my body that had to go through with whatever I decided, and also that it would be my life that was fundamentally changed if I decided to keep the baby. I had to give up a job I loved, move house, change area, my entire life has changed. The only thing that has changed for him in that sense is that he gets his dinner cooked and shirts ironed!

My decision in the end was that I told him that I was keeping the baby, that was non-negotiable for me, but that I was giving him the choice of whether to become a father or not, in the same way I had the choice of whether to become a mother. Many people here will disagree with that approach, but it was the only way I felt was fair. Had he chosen not to be involved, I would have funded and brought up the child alone because I felt it was only fair that he should have the same choice as I did.

Happily for us it all worked out well and we are a happy family with number 2 on the way, but it was through choice on both our parts that we ended up this way.