Just found out I'm pregnant - am scared

RacyRed

mizzbiz wrote: »

Besides, no offence to the man in all of this, but if the news you are pregnant sent him into selfish, I don't want it, childish mode (and you say he said things that were very hurtful) then men like this are not for the long haul. You should only put your faith in a man who cares more about you and your well being than a potential slight detriment to his career. It sounds to me like anything that got in his way in the future would bring this out in him again. If he can leave you at a time like this, he can leave you anytime.

Hi Choccie,

I'm sorry your b/f is adding to the pressure you are already under.

The point mizzbiz has made in the above quote is a serious one, men like this are really not for the long haul.

Just taking things factually, your b/f has declared that he does not want to be a father, yet he took little or no responsibility for contraception. I think you said he is 35? He doesn't want a child yet he has not had a vasectomy. He did not take the initiative when he knew there had been a possible contraception failure.

I'm sorry to say it but you may have, as I once did, fallen in love with a man who is emotionally under-developed. It sounds as if he cannot come to terms with anything which may push his needs, plans and expectations into the background. While possibly being a very generous man in every other way he is emotionally very selfish and, without therapy, is unlikely to ever be able to provide the emotional support you will need and deserve.

There is nothing you can do to help him with that, it has to come from him. Quite possibly his family background would shed light on why he should be like this - does he have an undemonstrative, unemotional parent?

Did I understand correctly that this is a man who is willing to "do the right thing" but not tell you he loves and cherishes you and will continue to do so whatever your decision about the baby is? if so, be very, very careful.

You have been together for a year but you don't live together. This is not solid, not in 2010. This is reluctance on the part of one person in the relationship, my guess is that it was not you.

I do not want you to answer the question I'm about to ask you on a open forum, but I would like you to ask it of yourself.

Has this man ever withheld emotional support from you before? Obviously his reaction to your pregnancy is a terrible example, but have the signs been there before? Have you ever needed support when upset and he just plain refused to be there for you? Oh, no doubt he will have many logical and plausible explanations for why he let you down. But if he has let you down in the past, as he is doing at present, then tread carefully before you commit yourself to a life which may become increasingly devoid of warmth, love and closeness.

Such relationships are the loneliest places in the world.

In taking the decision to hurt you when you told your b/f you are pregnant he has surrendered his right to take any further part in your decision. Yes he was very shocked but it sounds as if he is an intelligent man, why did he choose to hurt you instead of asking you to give him time to get his head round the idea before discussing it further?

Whatever your decision is it MUST be one that you can live with, neither choice is easy, but one of them fills you with fear for the future and the other fills you with doubt and regret, if I have read your posts correctly.

And thrown into all of this is the "will he/won't he" position with your boyfriend. He is muddying the waters for you. Please do not let him. Your prioity MUST be yourself and what is best for you.

And yes, you are deeply in love with him. I know how that feels but I also know what the eventual cost of such a love can be, it can cost you every hope, dream and shred of self respect. And every single scrap of love you try to grasp will be wrenched away from you.

If you can, distance yourself Choccie, take a time out, a few days away perhaps, let it settle in your mind, make your decision and stick with it. It is your life, it is your decision.

My thoughts are with you.

SwipernoSwiping

Hello Choccie,
12 weeks in and plain sailing (supposedly) for the next few.. enjoy it! I'm 30 weeks with my second now and it's all down hill and huffing
Scans, and planning the nursery will keep you busy!

Edited to add the web addy for Doulas

http://www.doula.org.uk

and to find one in your area:
http://www.doula.org.uk/utilities/userServices/search.asp