Just found out I'm pregnant - am scared

tiamai_d

chocciefan wrote: »

Hi everyone,

Just a little update to say that i am not feeling too good.

Please forgive me for saying this, but a part of me is unsure about whether I have made the right decision to have the baby.

I feel so alone without him and i know that it is important to stay strong, but I feel so sad and alone with no support.

I know that when the baby is born I'm sure I will feel better, but i miss my boyfriend so much - I know I shouldn't but you just can't stop loving someone straight away.

Then another part of me feels if I did abort, he may have left anyway - just feel depressed and down.

love choccie

Awww huni, I think every woman feels like that at times whether she has a OH or not. Pregnancy is hard, your hormones are all over the place, you feel like crap most of the time and it is a huge, huge life changing event.

And then... ofcourse you don't just stop loving him. You have to grieve for the life you thought you would have. But you will get through it. Don't make any rash decisions right now, have a nice long soak in the bath, watch a good film, do your nails, anything that will relax you.

JaneRN

I went through my pregnanacy alone and my best friend who was also pregnant had her boyfriend and family supporting her. I felt like they were rubbing my nose in it at times and it felt completely bereft.
I can say now that I wouldn't have had it any other way, my best friend and her boyfriend married (maybe they felt that was the right thing to do) but it was alawys a turbulent relationship. She got pregnant again after her daughter was born and he left her for another woman during this pregnancy. Given the two senarios, mine was preferable in hindsight.
I can't speak about staying in a relationship afer a termination that was wanted more by one than the other form experience. I had one friend who gave into pressure from her boyfriend, had a termination, regreted it and was pregnant again within three months. They stayed together for a number of years, with a lot of unrest, before going their seperate ways.
I know I've painted two bleak pictures of alternative outcomes but these are the only ones that spring to mind. All too often if someone acts to do the right thing to please others, it back fires.
I really hope you feel happier soon, I'm sure you will, but it is not easy to see that right now.
For me the best day of my life was the day my son was born, I can't describe the joy I felt at that moment. Don't get me wrong, things have been tough over the years. His father has never been in his life and denied anything to do with him. My son has recently met up with his half sister and his father has not been in her life much over the years despite him staying with her mother during the preganacy and a few years after.
((((((hugs))))))))
Jane

BLT_2

Stephb1986 wrote: »

Choccie I don't really have any advice for you love he sounds like a real loser and you don't need him in your life it sounds like you will do great on your own.

Chin up love

Massive hugs

Steph xx

Oh !!!!!! here we go again. The guy has stated that he doesn't want to have a relationship therefore he gains the tag of being a 'real loser' - of course if he had tied himself into a relationship for the next 40 years with a partner and child he didn't want to spend the rest of his life with he would have been a 'real man' He has not forced his opinions on the OP merely stated that this was not the way he wanted to go and that his career is important to him.

The OP had the option to have a termination and chose not to go through with it, that was her choice as was his. At least this way both parties can make a fresh start.

Sue1973

Hi there . I've just come across this thread and felt I wanted to comment to say what an amazing, strong, focussed person you are. From what you have written you are absolutely doing the right thing. Yes its the most scary, uncertain time - especially facing it on your own but it can also the most rewarding, precious experience. My little boy is 19 months old and I was married when he was born. I am now going through the process of separating from my husband and facing a future as a single parent. My advice to you would be to try and get a good support network of other expectant mums around you. It can be daunting, especially if they all in couples but my mums network has been my lifeline. If you can, try to get to some prenatal activities - I have made some great lifelong friends through NCT and pregnancy yoga. Once your baby is here, as difficult as it feels, try and get stuck into any local baby activities - surestart centres, playgroups, buggyfit, baby massage/ yoga/ signing. Good friends will provide love and support to help you look to the future. As for your ex and his family - how sad for them that they cannot look forward to the wonder and love of a young life. You are strong - you have the love and support of a lot of people on these Boards - you are an amazing person and will be an amazing mother with an amazing child xxxxx

CL

Choccie, I really think if you want to be a mother and you are 29 and have the opportunity now, you should grab it with both hands. If your boyfriend really loved you he would do anything to make you happy.

I have an aunt who is 60 and is single with no children. When a family member became unexpectantly pregnant at 20 in a new relationship, she wrote her a letter saying that she would do anything to be in her position. I'm not suggesting in won't be the toughest thing you have ever done, but as they say, nothing good comes easy.

I'm 30 years old and 30 weeks pregnant today and can feel my first baby moving around and feel really sorry for all those older people like my aunt who would love to be able to turn the clock back and redo their lives. Incidently, I think her lack of relationship and child was to do with a demanding career.

mizzbiz

I agree with above. You're 29 and in a few years you may find it harder and harder to conceive due to natural biology rather than anything else. I'm around the same age as you and and dying to get pregnant at the mo as I feel it's the optimum time to do it.

You will be fine on your own, you will manage, and you may regret leaving your career temporarily but it is something you can always get back into if you're determined. You may find that the work you were in is not the be all and end all and actually, you may feel like doing something completely different.

I know a number of single mums and none of them regret having their children. My sister in laws first husband walked out on her when she was pregnant with her second child - she is now very happily married to my brother and he loves her children like his own. All of them are in new relationships with men far more loving and nurturing than the fathers of their children. Just because you feel like you love this man now doesnt mean something far better isn't waiting for you down the line.

Besides, no offence to the man in all of this, but if the news you are pregnant sent him into selfish, I don't want it, childish mode (and you say he said things that were very hurtful) then men like this are not for the long haul. You should only put your faith in a man who cares more about you and your well being than a potential slight detriment to his career. It sounds to me like anything that got in his way in the future would bring this out in him again. If he can leave you at a time like this, he can leave you anytime.

SwipernoSwiping

I remember being where you are...the ex decided he'd had enough when my daughter was 2 and a half - not the same situation as you, but I still had doubts if letting him go was the right thing, if I could cope on my own. - at the time I had three (yes three) businesses on the go, all part time, as well as trying to find a new place to live - (mid floods in 2007) and so much more.
So much stress, self doubt, fear, and above all the loneliness.

I can guess where you are emotionally right now - someone has put a massive mountain in front of you and you can't see your way around.

Two things I can honestly say. 1- you will climb it - hating every step. 2. when you get to the top and look down, the sense of achievement does wonders for yourself esteem.

How to stay focused through your first trimester: Write a list of your near aims, medium aims and long distance ones - be they finding a place to live, dealing with ex and the things you need to divide.
Have a think on if that ex will feature on your birth certificate (giving him parental rights of a fashion)

I set my focus simply to be "Baby and Me" + Baby comes first - so I put alot of my own needs second. I set my whole future plans around taking in to consideration those things. Budgeting was key for me. I wasn't one for nights out, I left a lot of my friends behind when I moved town. - I soon found out which were friends and which were tag-alongs.

Also check this site out http://www.gingerbread.org.uk/portal/page/portal/Website - single parents website. They have some great support networks across the country.
Babycentre.co.uk is also a fab site for sharing pregnancy experiences with others due the same month as you - and really does help you stay sane.
Finally see if there are any Doulas operating near you, some charge, some are free. I have site link here somewhere. A doula will support you pre-birth (6 weeks before due date) right through to post birth in many ways as a partner - but much better as they tend to know far more about labour than us mere mortals

Finally when you wobble and worry about the choice you have made, list the reasons why you made it, list the reasons why going back to him might and might not be a good idea.
At all times be honest with yourself - you will never regret your decision and never look back.

msb5262

chocciefan wrote: »

Hi everyone,
Just a little update to say that i am not feeling too good.
Please forgive me for saying this, but a part of me is unsure about whether I have made the right decision to have the baby.

Hello choccie,

I've read your thread too and wanted to send you my best wishes and support.

Sorry you aren't feeling good - and let me tell you, MANY pregnant women wonder if they've made the right decision.

I was longing to have a baby but when first I got pregnant, it was deeply frightening and I remember wondering endlessly if I'd done the right thing.

It was easier second and third time round, but how you are feeling is not just to do with your situation...it seems to come with the territory of being pregnant.

Pregnancy is all about change, and change is scary.

You will feel better before long and hopefully things will seem a bit easier.

Please keep posting here as you will find endless support, friendship and encouragement.

Best wishes
MsB

LilacPixie

Hey Choccie. You just have to stay strong. Your feelings are typical and normal being in a relationship or not. My pregnancy was a total surprise as well, slightly different senario being we are married and have 2 kids already. As a couple we still have not came to terms with another child and I sometimes wonder if I am doing the right thing in continuing with pregnancy but I know from experience that doubts are normal no matter the reason. It doesn't help that my family are less than happy about it.

Pregnancy hormones are evil they really are. How far are you now?? I seem to remember you being not that far behind me.

Shellies idea of a doula is a fantastic one.

chocciefan

Hi everyone,

Thank you so much for all your kind words and advice - I love reading them and feel so comforted now.

I am going into my 12th week now, so I think the sickness and tiredness isn't helping how I generally feel.

I'm waiting for my scan and then I can get organised and feel more on the way and focus on all the planning and buying etc, which I'm sure will help me.

I think the key now is to join support groups as you all say, so I become positive and happy, rather than being alone or worse still have negative influences around me.

When I'm alone in the flat and feel down and tired, that is the worst and I have to be strong and go out for a walk and keep busy, so I don't have time to think and feel depressed.

Hopefully I'll be posting soon telling you all how strong and positive I am feeling - onwards and upwards.

Lots of love choccie xxx