Just found out I'm pregnant - am scared

Oldernotwiser

hngrymummy wrote: »

That's an opinion. To me my pregnancy was a baby, and a person in it's own right, AS SOON as it was conceived. To some it's not a baby until it's implanted, and to others it's not a baby until it's born. That's down to personal opinion, not fact.

To some people the choice is purely down to the mother, and the father should have no say at all. To others, the father played an integral part in the process so should be able to express his opinion on what happens.

My opinion was given in response to another poster's opinion.

hngrymummy

You expressed it as fact, so I was expressing my opinion in response

Plans_all_plans

brians_daughter wrote: »

marie stopes were pro-abortion (but thats how they make their money so what do you expect!)

Thanks for the confirmation.

miss_independent

Oldernotwiser wrote: »

An anti abortion charity that offers unbiased advice - I think not!

LIFE, is not anti-abortion but yes, they are pro-life. They are one of the few charities that offer post-abortion counselling helping many women to live the rest of their lives at peace with the decision they have made. What do you think they are going to do, torment a pregnant woman with pictures of aborted foetuses, tell her she is evil for considering abortion? This is the 21st century, they aren't stuck in the dark ages, they know about the real world and that unplanned pregnancies happen and that sometimes you can get pregnant in dire situations. Women can seek advice from LIFE and still choose abortion, they know that happens but at least those women seek advice. They offer a non-judgemental ear and (though I'm not sure what was meant by "biased" information mentioned by another poster and if it truly was upsetting or inflammatory then the counsellor in question should have been reported) allow a woman to explore her choices and options and find a decision which sits well with them, one they can live with for the rest of their lives. They can't help a woman in a crisis pregnancy get an abortion. They can help them tell partners, parents, help them with housing, equipment, coming to terms with a disabled child, recovery from a drug addiction whilst pregnant or with leaving a violent partner etc. They don't make money from these women.

Go to Marie Stopes in tears and say "I'm pregnant and I can't cope." and (from personal experience) often they say something along the lines of "Yes, you don't look like you can cope. You don't have to go through with this you know. Its probably best that you have an abortion." The form gets signed, off you go, no more help.

Go to a Life pregnancy care centre and say the same thing and they will say " Ok, lets make a cuppa, here take a tissue and tell me what is it that makes you feel like you can't cope? What would you need to "cope"?" and then they help figure out out how to access what you need, whether its baby clothes, a pram or a place to live if you're going to get kicked out. My local one even has a parent and baby group for mums that are struggling to adjust and need a bit of a vent over a cup of tea whilst their kids can have a play.

It really upsets me when people try to discourage those in need from accessing the help they need. What's wrong with the OP going to Marie Stopes or Pregnancy Advisory Service and LIFE and making up her mind for herself?

glossgal

hngrymummy wrote: »

That's an opinion. To me my pregnancy was a baby, and a person in it's own right, AS SOON as it was conceived. To some it's not a baby until it's implanted, and to others it's not a baby until it's born. That's down to personal opinion, not fact.

To some people the choice is purely down to the mother, and the father should have no say at all. To others, the father played an integral part in the process so should be able to express his opinion on what happens.

Without wanting to stir up a big abortion debate as I'm sure that's not helpful to OP it is FACT, not opinion, that at four weeks the 'baby' is indeed no more than a group of cells.

My own opionion is that guilt should not overide what OP feels is best. If a termination is carried out early then the risks are very slim and she will recover and move on with her life. If she feels she should go ahead however, then she should not feel pressured into termination by her partner.

belfastgirl23

Oh dear, I don't think a pro or anti abortion argument is worth having here.

OP you seem to be pretty clear that you don't want to have a termination. I think with something like this your gut instinct, your first feeling, is the right one.

I also think it's interesting that your OH didn't mention termination. Are you sure your 'feeling' isn't you projecting something onto him? I'm guessing he's so shellshocked he doesn't have a clue what to feel. So don't start reading things in that he hasn't said. Talk to him and ask him whether this is something he's thinking about. Actually if he says no he's probably lying in that if you're a reasonably intelligent person you do consider all of the options, whether you want them or not.

it will be a huge lifestyle change but people do manage it all the time. It's normal to be afraid. And I do tend to think that fate has a hand in these things and that if something is the right thing, it happens anyway.

Don't forget too that you were both aware of the contraception failing and both decided to go ahead. So to some degree it's a shared responsiblity and I don't really see how you could be trying to trap him here. You were both playing with fire a bit

BTW I'm saying all of this and I'm not in any way anti abortion (and none too keen on children to boot!) but I do think it might be best for you to acknowledge to yourself that you've made your mind up and that therefore what you need to think about is how things will be in the future.

Lots of luck!

Mr.Mulla

I think you have already made up your mind to keep the baby and that is best decision in my opinion. You are only concern about how your partner will react to the situation.

As you have stated, both of you are mature enough and are stable career wise, so discuss it with him. I'm sure he will do the right thing. And if he doesn't get into the same decision as yours, then stand by your decision.

It is not easy to be a single parent, but a lot has done it with flying colors, so I have no doubt that you can too.

Good luck!

mummy_Jay

When I found out I was pregnant I'd broken up with the ex a month before hand (due to finding out he'd been cheating and was due to have a baby with one of these poor women). When I found out and told him I was pregnant, I already new I wanted my baby, he did not and tried to force me to lose it. it wasn't a nice experience but this isn't what you have.

You have a partner your very happy with, you need to talk to him about what your feeling and that your pregnant. But you also need to consider could you cope if he doesn't want to be a dad, would you be happy to be a single mum? If in your heart of hearts the answers yes, you'd find a way to cope you have your answer but some how I doubt it's that simple.

Give yourself breathing room to let it sink in and talk to a friend about it, then take some time to decide what you want. If you decide you want this baby go for it, if he then agrees he wants it too this is a bonus. Don't do anything cos it's what someone else wants you to do, do it cos it's right for you.

But do get a doctors appointment and findout how far along you are.

red_devil

its normal to be scared but to be honest i think you will go for it and you will be fine!

chocciefan

I write this with tears in my eyes.

You are all so kind and I am overwhelmed with all the advice and help - thank you so much.

I wasn't even aware the organisations mentioned existed, so that is truly helpful.

Just to clarify, my partner knows I am pregnant. We did the test together. He is a very traditional man and I think wanted us to date for a couple of years, get engaged, married and then think about children.

I think he is so shocked because in his eyes this was never 'the plan'. I gently explained to him that life doesn't go to plan.

I think (as I am) he is going to feel uncomfortable explaining to our friends and family how two sensible, mature people acted so irresponsibly and didn't cover all bases.

It is made worse that his work colleagues always complain about sleepless nights, life changes having kids. I know he has been influenced by this and always thought of himself as lucky as he doesn't have this.

Last night he said we aren't prepared, we aren't ready. He said I have a small one bed, top floor flat in the City, you want to travel for work as I do, we want to enjoy each other more. He works a 14 hour day and needs his sleep and gets very tired. He kept saying this is it, it's life changing, a baby changes you.

I am now feeling very insecure that he's not sure if he wants to be with me forever. If I do have the baby we will be connected together forever (even if we broke up) and I think that may scare him (even though I know he loves me).

He is a wonderful man but as a single, career driven man has had or has no responsibility or complications in life. He's enjoyed (quite rightly too) the good life and I know he wants that to continue as he works so hard.

My other thoughts are fear about losing my own career. I have worked SO, SO hard on my career since leaving uni. I work in a looks driven, male dominated industry and I know deep down that I would be saying good bye to my career. I actually don't mind that, as I am surrounded my beautiful, driven but very unhappy women who have left it too late to have children and I always felt so sad for them. I know a child and love is more important than a corporate company.

I want to stay at home with the baby and be there for him/her like my mum was but I'm worried that he will think I'm trying to trap him and he will have to fund us both and he may lose respect for me if I give up my careeer. We'll be living together, I'll be pregnant and it will be such a change. I'm petrified!

I have a doctor's appt tomorrow to find out how far gone I am and I'm sure I will be a bit more informed then.

Thanks again to everyone who has read and replied.