Just found out I'm pregnant - am scared

gonzo127

now although i am not sticking up for your him here as the way he has reacted is shocking and totally unaccecptable with what he has said it seems that my initial thoughts of him being scared sh--less when he found out could be right,

now although what he was done since is horrible, i would urge you not to make any desigions about the future stright away, take every day one at a time, let him try and prove that he is sorry for his actions if he is, as how many people can honestly say they have never done something they have later regretted, - ok maybe not as monumental of a f'up as he has done with this but...

however just remember that 'doing the right thing' is totally different than wanting to be a partner and father - although this could come in time, and i supose thats what i am getting at you have ~6 months till the baby is due, a lot can change in that time, and what ever does happen i have no doubts in my mind that you will make a wonderful mother

gratefulforhelp_2

choccie if you aren't sure if you want ex in baby's life, then think carefully about whether you put his name on birth certificate. It is something with far reaching consequences, and as you're not married he would have to be present and agree to it.

Check you have mustered all the facts first, though.

robpw2

gratefulforhelp wrote: »

choccie if you aren't sure if you want ex in baby's life, then think carefully about whether you put his name on birth certificate. It is something with far reaching consequences, and as you're not married he would have to be present and agree to it.

Check you have mustered all the facts first, though.

its now a legal obligation to name the father on the birth certificate
i do not think your advice is very wise
he is still the father ...

Lara44

Hmm I think gonzo has given some excellent advice on taking it one step at a time. Obviously it has been a huge blow to your trust that he wasn't there for you unconditionally. In terms of the input from family and friends - there are times when I have been so 'me me me' and my sister or friend has given me a good telling off and a bit of perspective, which makes me realise what a nightmare I was being. I guess you're trying to tell if he has actually had this revelation or is just keeping up appearances.

Also, my (other) sister became pregnant after a one night fling with her ex, who was pushed into 'doing the right thing' by his family. We all thought it would never last but they went on to craft a better relationship then they had ever had before, get married and have two more babies. So it can work out sometimes.

If you're not living together now, perhaps it can stay that way when the baby comes. You could still 'date' (sorry I didn't really know what is a good word to use date/reconcile/try to have fun with/get support from) your OH while still for all intents and purposes having the control that comes with single parenthood? If your OH earns back your trust then you could change domestic arrangements as and when you feel good about it. Whatever way you choose it's good to keep the lines of communication open in case he does want to co-parent, as I am sure your little one would benefit from knowing his or her Dad.

Chocciefan there's no 'right' decision in this case, trust your feelings, take it slow and most of all look after yourself. (((Hugs)))

belfastgirl23

I really think the two of you could do with some time apart - not splitting up but just space to get some perspective on things.

I kind of feel a bit for him actually, yes he has done and said some awful things but he was scared and panicking. And wanting to do the right thing, for whatever reason he is thinking this, is still admirable. I know this is all awful on you (and you're in a very vulnerable position) but it is also hard for him as well. You've both had your world views knocked considerably. You're lucky in one way to have had a very clear gut instinct on it that helps guide you as to what to do. Maybe he hasn't had that. And in your first post here, you're also expressing doubts (admittedly not in as negative a way as you describe him doing though)

I really think you need to both take some time and think this over properly. In your shoes I'd tell him to go away for a week, think about things, then come back and talk. And that you will manage either way. The one thing you said you didn't want at the start was to 'trap' him into something and at least this way you'd have peace of mind about that.

Lots of luck, if it helps I think the baby will be lucky to have you as a mum!

ljbnotts

robpw2 wrote: »

its now a legal obligation to name the father on the birth certificate
i do not think your advice is very wise
he is still the father ...

Err no its not.

pulliptears

robpw2 wrote: »

its now a legal obligation to name the father on the birth certificate
i do not think your advice is very wise
he is still the father ...

ljbnotts wrote: »

Err no its not.

correct it isn't, and even if it wasn't you could always say you were not certain.
When I had DS I was all for naming the father, fortunately my Mother talked me out of it. Best thing she ever did as I met my husband 7 months later who adopted DS without the hassles of having to consult the father. We also changed DS's name on my wedding day to my married name, something else that would have required his fathers permission.

Don't get me wrong, his father was never cut out of his life, he knew where his son was but chose to behave like lowlife and has never actually seen his own child.

I had the freedom to choose what was right for my child, without the interference of a parent that didn't really care anyway.

Gavin83

If you don't name the father, you won't get any maintenance off them will you?

He probably said a few things in the heat of the moment, had a think about it and realised it the right thing to do to support you and the child. I wouldn't write him off completely yet. Is it really such a bad thing for him to say he doesn't want the child?

gratefulforhelp_2

Gavin, you are right, but sometimes it is worth exchanging money for reduced hassle in the long term, IYSWIM.

robpw2

the welfare reform act 2008 gives unmarried fathers more rights they have the right to be named on the birth certificate if they wish , a mother will be asked if she turns up alone to name the father and just because she refuses to does not mean that he won't get put on the birth certificate now , the father can request to be added to the birth certificate and the registrar is if they are prooved to be the father add them to the certificate.