When you & hubby/partner etc fall out who's the one to back down?

Mrs_Imp

gabyjane wrote: »

So last night he asks me to watch top gear and i say no thanks..he says it like nothing has happened and i begrudge being nice tbh without an apology for him being so awful to me all day..he says fine and walks off back downstairs.

It sounds to me like he extended a peace offering to you which you rebuffed. He might have said it like nothing happened in order to get your talking again.

Why would he make another peace offering and risk being rebuffed again??

Gingham_Ribbon

euronorris wrote: »

But the OP isn't the one doing the ignoring and walking around in a strop still. He is.

I don't see why she should apologise for him having a 3 day long tantrum.
.

Perhaps that is how he perceives she is behaving too? I outlined my reasons for reaching out above, regardless of whether that includes an apology. FWIW, I think asking to watch TV with him was him trying to do that. That's all it takes. One to make a move to communicate - but the other has to take the outstretched hand.

nickyhutch

Bl00dy hell is this still going on? You both look after kids? You sound about as childish as them.

Pixiechic

Hi,

I haven't read all posts as its getting a it long and I'm being lazy but my tuppence worth to answer the question.
I am usually the one to apologise . Don't get me wrong, in an argument I give as good as I get but once its over then I kind of want to move on from it whilst bf wants to sulk! I hate going to sleep on an argument which makes me more often than not the one to try to get us talking again. Which he now knows I will do so I suspect he drags on the sulking as he is waiting for the olive branch to hit him in the face .

Pixiechic

Oh, just read that he asked you about Top Gear, to me that would be the apology, a kind gesture, making an effort, changing the mood but you didn't accept it. Life is just too short in my opinion. You love him, he loves you, you have your ups and you have your downs but, if you don't dwell on the small stuff you might just get a few more ups than you do downs.

gabyjane

Gingham_Ribbon wrote: »

It's your call and you should do what you feel is best, but in my opinion you should back down

-because you want the unpleasant situation to be over.

-because everyone in your household will be happier for it.

-because children learn how to resolve disputes from adults and they learn how to bear grudges too.

-because you'll be able to relax. Who needs this sort of stress?

-because you love him, he loves you and the sooner it's over the sooner you can get back to the loving part.

(And, yes, because it's petty!)

I agree but after this afternoon iv'e had enough of always looking like i'm the one in the wrong and i'm not letting it go..yes it is petty..maybe i'm petty but tbh i don't care anymore..like a poster below said if i say sorry i'm just encouraging him to do it again.
thanks for the reply i get what you are saying.

gabyjane

minimoneysaver wrote: »

This isn't a criticism of you, but this is the very reason that I don't send my daughter to a childminder. I really worry that she could possibly get caught in the middle of 'domestic stuff' that is nothing to do with her, but could possibly have a negative effect on her. No, I don't wrap her up in cotton wool, but she had a tough first year with her father and he has let her down seriously since. I am sure you are professional and that your children and minded children are not hearing anything, but that doesn't mean that they aren't picking up on the atmosphere in your home.
Good luck sorting it out. Maybe what you both need is time to yourselves away from the home. I think that you should both say sorry and move on.
Also, have you thought of one of those wake up lights that gradually makes the room lighter and lighter?

I won't take it personally but tbh i'm feeling pretty cr*p about it all now! I can assure you i am very proffesional and not even dd knows we have really fallen out..the mindees are too young to even know and there is no shouting and hasn;t ever been in their presence. There is silence tbh when he is here and she is at school the rest of the time he is out of the room or like this afternoon when i got back ..he went to sleep!

gabyjane

belfastgirl23 wrote: »

i don't know if you should exactly back down (or at least I'm sensing that you don't feel you can) but I think you should make at least some non-aggressive opening move such as 'I really hate it when we fight, could we sit down and try to have a chat and see if we can figure out what went wrong?' To be honest I think if something runs on this long over something so small then the fight isn't really about that anyway. In your case it's about you resenting always having to waken him (and maybe there's more stuff there too). Is it about something else in his case too? If he's a chef then that is a tiring job - is he out till late and then getting up early for the kids? I have a feeling this has just brought some other things to a head...

Yes a big part is him acting like a child and me having to wake him..i say to him what would you do if you lived on your own..he just says 'i don't know never get up for work'..i know this isn't true and he has and could cope again..it gets my back up i have another child in the house at times. It is not an issue at all IF he gets up which to me was the part of the deal..point of the post really which is why i'm being stubborn over it.

gabyjane

euronorris wrote: »

But the OP isn't the one doing the ignoring and walking around in a strop still. He is.

I don't see why she should apologise for him having a 3 day long tantrum.

My OH is also absolutely terrible at getting up in the morning and I often have to wake him. Most times it's fine, but other times I literally have to shout at him in order for him to even hear me. He asks me to do this as he knows what he's like. But, occasionally, when I do he snaps at me for it. I then tell him, fine, stay in bed, but don't talk to me like that as I am only doing what you asked me to do. He usually has a grumble, but by the time he's dressed he comes over and gives me a hug, kiss and a 'sorry for being grumpy' and that's that. I did apologise the first few times for shouting, but he told me I shouldn't apologise as I was doing what he asked me to.

The OP's OH doesn't even seem to recognise the part he played in all this, and I worry that if she apologises, he'll get worse and do it more because he knows he can get away with it IYSWIM.

that is what has happened the rare other times he has done this..have to say even more annoying it is on our one day off and i have to literally drag him out of bed. Again i agree i apologise nothing will change.

gabyjane

euronorris wrote: »

I think, at this point, that is a good place to start.

I also wonder if there is something else underlying all this cos I can't understand how he could stay mad about being woken up early for 3 days! Even when OH or I are really, really angry at each other, we usually calm down after a few hours. Never lasted for even a day, let alone 3.

this is what's worrying me it is not like him at all..nothing EVER flaws him (my sister will know wat i mean about this!) so maybe i'm missing something else but to take it out on me without saying is not on.