When you & hubby/partner etc fall out who's the one to back down?

gabyjane

Mrs_Imp wrote: »

It sounds to me like he extended a peace offering to you which you rebuffed. He might have said it like nothing happened in order to get your talking again.

Why would he make another peace offering and risk being rebuffed again??

Yes it probably was BUT he wouldn't apologise for treating my like rubbish for the last few days..he would sit down and start asking me questions like nothing has happened. Maybe it's me then and my fault but it's not how i work.

gabyjane

nickyhutch wrote: »

Bl00dy hell is this still going on? You both look after kids? You sound about as childish as them.

yeah thanks for that..remind yourself of this when you have an argument you don't agree with..everyone treats things differently depending on their situation. This can apply to anyone and anything everyone is different.

gabyjane

Pixiechic wrote: »

Hi,

I haven't read all posts as its getting a it long and I'm being lazy but my tuppence worth to answer the question.
I am usually the one to apologise . Don't get me wrong, in an argument I give as good as I get but once its over then I kind of want to move on from it whilst bf wants to sulk! I hate going to sleep on an argument which makes me more often than not the one to try to get us talking again. Which he now knows I will do so I suspect he drags on the sulking as he is waiting for the olive branch to hit him in the face . He's not into make up sex either which is a bit of a blow :eek:.
If I don't apologise or make an effort to reconcile then rather than him apologising he will blow a kiss to me whilst watching tele whilst I frown across at him. For my man and I am not saying all men, but for mine, apologising is on a parr with shoving hot pokers in his eyes and up his bum. I don't demand the actual 'i'm sorry' sentence, just a gesture is acceptable to me.
Apologies for the long post but I have to add that I can sleep through absolutely anything. At boarding school I could sleep through the amazingly loud fire alarm and matron would have to make a beeline for me to get me out of bed. It is a nightmare for me sometimes so I do share some sympathy with your man if his deep sleeping is out of his control. I have actually looked into this myself and believe it or not you can get an alarm where you put something under the bed sheet and when your alarm goes off the thing under the bed sheet sets of little electric shocks to wake you up! I know it sounds drastic hence my reason for not having it but its an option.

Lol sorry that is funny and i may resort to one!! Thanks for the reply we are not usually this bad!

gabyjane

Ok general reply..apology for all the seperate replys but i would never have got it done otherwise as have rubbish memory with names!

Ok today was as earlier..i then went out for the day and came back, he arrived home and was on the drive..he said 'have you seen that box over the rd'..i said 'what box' he said 'the surround sound set etc'..i said 'oh yeah'..i kind of looked at him as if to say 'really? is that it after days of nothing..he then went inside and shut the door..i kind of just stood there and went on the school run.

I got home and he said had i sorted dinner..he had made a lasagne at work and i gave that to dd and her friend. I was a bit upset as had stopped to pick up a cat someone had hit on the rd so not really in a chatty mood as would normally tell him all about it but knew i wouldn't..i went into the lounge and he was asleep on the sofa. I took dd etc to the park and when i got back he was hoovering..he then asked for a kiss and walked out..end of evening so day 4 looms.

I KNOW everyone will jump on me now as everyone will think 'aww he cooked dinner' 'aww he hoovered' BUT he is doing it to make me feel bad..he doesn't most of the time bother so i can tell it's to get me to fell like the bad guy. I feel utterly rubbish tonight with it all..i have just had a text from a friend saying she will be pretty late to pick her dd up and tbh i could just do with a break..they are running riot and i'm biting my tongue as it is not their faults they are loud..VERY loud! I feel like crying..i can't remember the last time we fell out like this..if ever over something so stupid.

IF i say sorry or take an olive branch do you know what the worst thing is..he will go on about it for days then as it is his sense of humour..he will say something when i next wake him like 'ok ok don't go mad at me'..which i know is his way but not funny.

Oh i don't know anymore.

Fang_3

gabyjane wrote: »

Ok general reply..apology for all the seperate replys but i would never have got it done otherwise as have rubbish memory with names!

Ok today was as earlier..i then went out for the day and came back, he arrived home and was on the drive..he said 'have you seen that box over the rd'..i said 'what box' he said 'the surround sound set etc'..i said 'oh yeah'..i kind of looked at him as if to say 'really? is that it after days of nothing..he then went inside and shut the door..i kind of just stood there and went on the school run.

I got home and he said had i sorted dinner..he had made a lasagne at work and i gave that to dd and her friend. I was a bit upset as had stopped to pick up a cat someone had hit on the rd so not really in a chatty mood as would normally tell him all about it but knew i wouldn't..i went into the lounge and he was asleep on the sofa. I took dd etc to the park and when i got back he was hoovering..he then asked for a kiss and walked out..end of evening so day 4 looms.

I KNOW everyone will jump on me now as everyone will think 'aww he cooked dinner' 'aww he hoovered' BUT he is doing it to make me feel bad..he doesn't most of the time bother so i can tell it's to get me to fell like the bad guy. I feel utterly rubbish tonight with it all..i have just had a text from a friend saying she will be pretty late to pick her dd up and tbh i could just do with a break..they are running riot and i'm biting my tongue as it is not their faults they are loud..VERY loud! I feel like crying..i can't remember the last time we fell out like this..if ever over something so stupid.

IF i say sorry or take an olive branch do you know what the worst thing is..he will go on about it for days then as it is his sense of humour..he will say something when i next wake him like 'ok ok don't go mad at me'..which i know is his way but not funny.

Oh i don't know anymore.

There's clearly much more going on in this relationship than an argument about getting up.

Has anyone decided that he's autistic yet?

belfastgirl23

Well he is certainly making efforts to apologise albeit not saying the words. So now you need to think about why you are pushing him away. It does seem really clear to me that you have a fair amount of unresolved anger over this lying in thing. And if it's not just about the one event then you need to talk to him about it - he doesn't know what's going on at the minute. You need to say 'I got very upset with you about that and the reason is that I hate always having to get you out of bed. Can we talk about other options'. As you say maybe it's about giving up the kids who he needs to get out of bed for. That's if the only issue is the lying in of course. I think you also perhaps feel you're carrying a lot of the general responsiblity in the relationship and this has just brought it to a head.

Either way you're doing neither of you any favours by not talking about it. It's stressing you out and he clearly hasn't a clue how to fix it.

Just to add though we have a similar issue in that I'm a lyer in and DH isn't. Our compromise is that on Saturday I lie in as long as I want but on Sunday I usually do get up with him if he isn't working. Maybe you could find some kind of halfway house on this?

gabyjane

Thanks for the replies.

Fang there are no underlying issues other than the fact i ask him to get up each morning by ringing him and he didn't do so makiing me stressed, the kids almost late and him taking it all out on me? Being autistic i'm not sure comes into it at all or am i missing something?

Belfastgirl23 Thanks for the reply, i can see what you are saying but we have had this discussion before..he knows why it is important to get up and just says he is tired..good good i work over 60 hours a week who's the tired one?? As for the lying in it doesn't happen..we both work and the only day we have to lie in is a sunday and we tend to get up and go out for the day.

My friend collected her dd..she packed her and my dd of to the car and she said 'you ok' i said 'yeah thanks you'..she then reeled off this argument she had had with her hubby..been going on for weeks with them and she was really cross..when she said iv'e had enough i calmly said 'yeah me too husbands hey'..i then burst into tears infront of her (luckily i know her enough for her to deal with it ok!) i told her what was going on and due to her knowing how manic my mornings are she took my view although she was bound to! Ill await him coming home and go from there.

BallandChain

The thing is Gaby your hubby would have to get himself up if you weren't around. lol, I had the same discussion with my OH where I used to get him up and I resented it. Now he gets himself up. I mean before we met he managed to get himself up but think he started to rely on me to do it for him. You can end up making a rod for your own back.

Anyway, I'm wondering as you mention the hours you work...what sort of hours does your husband work? I remember from a previous thread of yours you always seemed to be on the go with one thing and another, wasn't it decorating? I'm only going by memory but people were telling you then you don't have to be a martyr or words to that effect. Really, do you need to be doing 60 hours a week? Surely with having children you get tax credits anyway? Maybe think about ditching one of your jobs and getting tax credits? It's just something to think about and maybe discuss with hubby.

Fang_3

gabyjane wrote: »

Thanks for the replies.

Fang there are no underlying issues other than the fact i ask him to get up each morning by ringing him and he didn't do so makiing me stressed, the kids almost late and him taking it all out on me? Being autistic i'm not sure comes into it at all or am i missing something?

The autism comment was a joke. Generally on these threads some of the posters on here have the person in question diagnosed as autistic within three pages.

loopy-loo73

i'm stubborn
dh backs down ... always