When you & hubby/partner etc fall out who's the one to back down?

gabyjane

Well day 3 of the silence..wonder how long i can keep this thread going!

I rung home this morning and dd answered which is rare and i have told her not to really as he doesn't get up then blames her for not waking him?!..i got back and he was asleep and i politely said 'the kids will be here in 5 minutes' and went back downstairs. He did get up but has said nothing to me other than he is riding to work??!..so off he has gone and that's that!

Only thing that is bugging me out of all of it is our holiday on hold which i am thinking he is expecting me to sort out and i'm not after what he said to me. It has until sat i think but not really going to see him a lot before then so not sure what is going to happen..(cruise cabin held so once it's gone we have lost the deal)..dd keeps asking if we have booked it and i just keep saying 'not yet'.

Gingham_Ribbon

euronorris wrote: »

I disagree. We all have trouble getting up sometimes, but we all have responsibilities too so tough.

If he doesn't want his OH nagging him to get up when he's struggling a) he shouldn't rely on her as alarm clock and b) he shouldn't commit to helping out with the children first thing in the morning (when she's not there to make up for him being late).

It's the '...so tough' thing that is the whole problem. Yes, we all have responsibilities just as we all have off days. If my husband's attitude was 'tough' when I made a mistake or did something wrong, I can't see how our relationship could work, just as if I had that attitude towards him we'd certainly struggle.

I'd much rather move on to the rest of the day in a pleasant way by allowing for the fact that we both screw up sometimes, we both get snappy sometimes and we love each other and accept each other warts and all.

So, yes, I'll apologise even if I think he 'started it' and likewise for him. I've never known a 'frosty' day between us and maybe that's why.

Gingham_Ribbon

gabyjane wrote: »

Well day 3 of the silence..wonder how long i can keep this thread going!.

I'm sorry to hear that.

How have you tried to resolve it? I'm wondering how he'd react to you saying you love him and you want to sort this out?

Mrs_Imp

Make the first move. Get yourselves talking again. It needn't be much, just offer to make him a coffee, or ask if he'd like to watch whatever film on tv, or suggest a takeaway tomorrow night.

Apologies are even more difficult when there's still tension. Sometimes you have to get back to some kind of normality, however fragile, and then the apologies and making up will happen.

You can't carry on like this, and if he won't make the first move, you need to take a deep breath and do it.

There are no winners in your current situation, and making the first move won't mean that you are the loser or being week. In fact it shows that you are the one being strong and reasonable.

I hope you get this sorted out quickly.

And putting your holiday on hold is just cutting off your nose to spite your face.

gabyjane

Gingham Ribbon i appreciate what you are saying but i feel quite strongly about this tbh..it may sound and actually it is petty but i feel like i have done nothing wrong but wake him up..why should i back down? I do love him and want it sorting out but i KNOW if i say what i want to say he will turn it round to be me which maybe for once it is not.

Mrs Imp again agreed with what you are saying but like i said waking him up to help me does not mean i deserve to be ignored for 3 days do i? As for the holiday i am not, not booking it due to him, when i text him saying 'good news the school have authorised it' i got no reply..he then said to me he wasn't sure if he wanted to go with me?? if he thinks i am spending £500 on a deposit before this is sorted out i'm not..so as yet no holiday booked.

What i want to say to him is and will for the benefit of this thread is..

Why am i being blamed for waking him up? he will reply i was horrible to him and got shirty..i will then say yes as due to ringing, trying when i got home and then HAVING to get narky it resulted in this..we will see what he says and i'll report back!

Thanks for the replies..i have to say this is the first time we have fallen out properly in actually years so not bad but still i want a good reason as to why i'm the bad one..also a huge part of this that angers me is the fact as of tomorrow he will have as i have said 6+ weeks off.

Gingham_Ribbon

gabyjane wrote: »

Gingham Ribbon i appreciate what you are saying but i feel quite strongly about this tbh..it may sound and actually it is petty but i feel like i have done nothing wrong but wake him up..why should i back down? I do love him and want it sorting out but i KNOW if i say what i want to say he will turn it round to be me which maybe for once it is not.

It's your call and you should do what you feel is best, but in my opinion you should back down

-because you want the unpleasant situation to be over.

-because everyone in your household will be happier for it.

-because children learn how to resolve disputes from adults and they learn how to bear grudges too.

-because you'll be able to relax. Who needs this sort of stress?

-because you love him, he loves you and the sooner it's over the sooner you can get back to the loving part.

(And, yes, because it's petty!)

minimoneysaver

This isn't a criticism of you, but this is the very reason that I don't send my daughter to a childminder. I really worry that she could possibly get caught in the middle of 'domestic stuff' that is nothing to do with her, but could possibly have a negative effect on her. No, I don't wrap her up in cotton wool, but she had a tough first year with her father and he has let her down seriously since. I am sure you are professional and that your children and minded children are not hearing anything, but that doesn't mean that they aren't picking up on the atmosphere in your home.
Good luck sorting it out. Maybe what you both need is time to yourselves away from the home. I think that you should both say sorry and move on.
Also, have you thought of one of those wake up lights that gradually makes the room lighter and lighter?

belfastgirl23

i don't know if you should exactly back down (or at least I'm sensing that you don't feel you can) but I think you should make at least some non-aggressive opening move such as 'I really hate it when we fight, could we sit down and try to have a chat and see if we can figure out what went wrong?' To be honest I think if something runs on this long over something so small then the fight isn't really about that anyway. In your case it's about you resenting always having to waken him (and maybe there's more stuff there too). Is it about something else in his case too? If he's a chef then that is a tiring job - is he out till late and then getting up early for the kids? I have a feeling this has just brought some other things to a head...

euronorris

Gingham_Ribbon wrote: »

It's the '...so tough' thing that is the whole problem. Yes, we all have responsibilities just as we all have off days. If my husband's attitude was 'tough' when I made a mistake or did something wrong, I can't see how our relationship could work, just as if I had that attitude towards him we'd certainly struggle.

I'd much rather move on to the rest of the day in a pleasant way by allowing for the fact that we both screw up sometimes, we both get snappy sometimes and we love each other and accept each other warts and all.

So, yes, I'll apologise even if I think he 'started it' and likewise for him. I've never known a 'frosty' day between us and maybe that's why.

But the OP isn't the one doing the ignoring and walking around in a strop still. He is.

I don't see why she should apologise for him having a 3 day long tantrum.

My OH is also absolutely terrible at getting up in the morning and I often have to wake him. Most times it's fine, but other times I literally have to shout at him in order for him to even hear me. He asks me to do this as he knows what he's like. But, occasionally, when I do he snaps at me for it. I then tell him, fine, stay in bed, but don't talk to me like that as I am only doing what you asked me to do. He usually has a grumble, but by the time he's dressed he comes over and gives me a hug, kiss and a 'sorry for being grumpy' and that's that. I did apologise the first few times for shouting, but he told me I shouldn't apologise as I was doing what he asked me to.

The OP's OH doesn't even seem to recognise the part he played in all this, and I worry that if she apologises, he'll get worse and do it more because he knows he can get away with it IYSWIM.

euronorris

belfastgirl23 wrote: »

i don't know if you should exactly back down (or at least I'm sensing that you don't feel you can) but I think you should make at least some non-aggressive opening move such as 'I really hate it when we fight, could we sit down and try to have a chat and see if we can figure out what went wrong?' To be honest I think if something runs on this long over something so small then the fight isn't really about that anyway. In your case it's about you resenting always having to waken him (and maybe there's more stuff there too). Is it about something else in his case too? If he's a chef then that is a tiring job - is he out till late and then getting up early for the kids? I have a feeling this has just brought some other things to a head...

I think, at this point, that is a good place to start.

I also wonder if there is something else underlying all this cos I can't understand how he could stay mad about being woken up early for 3 days! Even when OH or I are really, really angry at each other, we usually calm down after a few hours. Never lasted for even a day, let alone 3.