When you & hubby/partner etc fall out who's the one to back down?

gabyjane

BallandChain wrote: »

The thing is Gaby your hubby would have to get himself up if you weren't around. lol, I had the same discussion with my OH where I used to get him up and I resented it. Now he gets himself up. I mean before we met he managed to get himself up but think he started to rely on me to do it for him. You can end up making a rod for your own back.

Anyway, I'm wondering as you mention the hours you work...what sort of hours does your husband work? I remember from a previous thread of yours you always seemed to be on the go with one thing and another, wasn't it decorating? I'm only going by memory but people were telling you then you don't have to be a martyr or words to that effect. Really, do you need to be doing 60 hours a week? Surely with having children you get tax credits anyway? Maybe think about ditching one of your jobs and getting tax credits? It's just something to think about and maybe discuss with hubby.

Hi i get what you are saying about making a rod for my own back but i'nm really not sure what to do..hope he will get up?

He does 40 hours a week then polices part time..part of the prob with him being tired is him getting in at silly o clock from the police shifts BUT it is his 'hobby' as he calls it which he enjoys and i have to say although i worry when he is out i know he loves it and i am fine with it..the getting in late is why he struggles to get up though although he would disagree!

We have 1 child so dont get tax credits really,,min amount due to income which is nice but not a deal clincher on giving up work due to dh's job alone. I LOVE my job and don't want to give anything up, work in the house has eased due to getting a cleaner etc which is good and life ticks along just great until this! infact we haven't argued in ages.

gabyjane

loopy-loo73 wrote: »

i'm stubborn
dh backs down ... always

Lol yeah i'm stubborn too but i normally back down even if not me..this time nope!

gabyjane

Fang wrote: »

The autism comment was a joke. Generally on these threads some of the posters on here have the person in question diagnosed as autistic within three pages.

Ah i see..sorry! Yeah i get what you mean now!

*Louise*

He made dinner, hoovered and asked for a kiss......now I am one who has said from the start that he is in the wrong and should apologise but imo you're not giving him the chance now.

reciprocate a little, you're going to have to move towards meeting him halfway.

If you keep pushing him away things will only get worse. Bend a little, let him in and give him the chance to apologise. He won't do it if you keep him at arms length.

onlyroz

Well my hubby absolutely uses me as an alarm clock - and I know that one time, when I was away at a conference, he was late for work because he slept right through the alarm. As for who backs down - can't recall a time when hubby has ever apologised to me about anything. Usually he sulks for around 12 hours and then acts as if nothing has happened. I've apologised a few times, and occasionally I've apologised even if I thought I was in the right - but most disagreements are not worth risking your marriage over...

Pixiechic

I think that you should just get him into bed now and let your bodies do the talking, all will be well in the morning

Or, wake him in a more adventurous way in the morning...............

lindseykim13

Just a few observations
-your working too hard
-he's not got his priorities straight (he's volunteering instead of helping/spending time with you?)
-something needs to change as your life seems manic to me you need some time to chill out :cool:

I reckon you should try some reverse psyhcology, you stay in bed all day, he'll get up at some point and wonder what the hell is going on!

Failing that i would write him a letter saying how you feel as your not talking but something needs to be said. You can get it all out then and encourage him to write down how he feels too i wonder if he's also doing too much (not as much as you mind) perhaps he feels his house is always full of kids and wants to come home to some peace?
My own kids drive me mad let alone other peoples lol
There is clearly more bothering you both than just the waking up incident.

Happy_Girl_2

Could you drop the job that you do first thing in the morning so you are both at home first thing? Then you wouldn't need to rely on him getting up

Trying to see both sides - the childminding job is your job as he works 40 hours a week elsewhere. I totally understand you don't want to give up work, but you have made the choice to work so many hours, just the same as he has made the choice to volunteer with the police on top of his job

I think a reasonable fair compromise would be that you don't do the j2 hour job in the mornings then I think harmony would be restored.

euronorris

Gaby - you're exhausted. That's an underlying issue in itself.

I also get the impression that you feel the family/home workload is not shared equally. Also an underlying issue.

He has now been trying to reach out to you, and you've rejected all of his attempts. You're very angry, and getting more angry as time goes by, which also suggests that this is about more than the getting up thing.

So, suggestions:

Drop the morning cleaning job, if you can afford to. This will eliminate the need for you to wake him up, and then becomes his sole responsibility again.
Reach out to him - doesn't have to be an apology, just a 'can we please sit down and resolve this, I hate arguing with you'
Tell him how tired you feel, how much you're doing and that you would like some help with it all. Then ask him how he views the situation. Once you both understand each other's point of view about it, you can start working towards a solution that suits you both better.

Also, there doesn't seem to be any quality time together for you two in your current routines. Probably another reason this is going on so long this time. You should try to incorporate some more 'couples only' time and enjoy each others company again.

I know you're angry, and I know you feel that backing down is not the right thing to do, but you need to move forward now. And, he has been trying. He doesn't know that you've been rejecting him because you want a full proper apology from him. As far as he knows you're still angry about being snapped at. So, swallow your pride, and start the ball rolling so that you can both move towards a solution that will see you both happier.

x

spike7451

I'm normally the stubborn one in our relationship,DGF being quite level headed but with an Irish temper on her.We've fell out over the most trivial things (The last one being the England/Ireland rugby game,She's from Dublin & I'm a Brummie) & that lasted a few hours.IIRC,We both made up over that one,quite childish really.lol
Generally tho,it's me that makes a mess of things & ends up going back with tail between his legs sheepishly..