When you & hubby/partner etc fall out who's the one to back down?

gabyjane

Me and dh fall out rarely..we niggle quite a lot over silly things like him not loading the dishwasher lol but nothing major, since having the cleaner nothing really.

Yesterday morning i called the house at 8am as normal to wake him and dd and arrived back at 8.10am as normal from work. He gets up and looks after 2 of my mindees for me for 20 mins while i do the school run so has to be up, he also knew that Mon and Tue they were going to be early so HAD to be up. I got in he was still in bed..dd still in bed..house in darkness and 5 mins before the bell went. I asked him to get up and he didn't move..i then said that they would be walking down the rd as we speak so could he please move..nothing..i then admit i got a bit cross and said i didnt know why i bothered working etc if he couldn't help me out for a few mins a day..with this he got out of bed in a foul mood and has not spoken to me since. He says i woke him up with me being in a bad mood and that i should apologise. I would admit if i had, had a bad morning but hadn't and walked in as normal with him not being up annoying me but didnt jump straight on him.

All day i ran round trying to sort holiday plans, authorisation from school etc and booking a suprise for him (not quite sure he deserves it now!) and text him to say good news the school had said yes..nothing so as yet the holiday is on hold as he is expecting me to do it and i dont see why i should always do everything.

So last night he asks me to watch top gear and i say no thanks..he says it like nothing has happened and i begrudge being nice tbh without an apology for him being so awful to me all day..he says fine and walks off back downstairs.

So i'm not backing down without him apologising for not getting up and being awful all day, he's not to me although he has no reason why..i also pointed out that in 2 days time he will have 6+ weeks of lying in bed as the school holidays while i meanwhile have to carry on working.

So who's the stubborn one out of your relationship?!!

nickyhutch

I usually do the placating, but when he's come round, he realises what a n0b he's been so spends hours apolgising.

To be honest, though, what you've described sounds a bit like it's got out of hand. I wouldn't have been like that all day over him not getting out of bed. I get up before OH every day, make him a coffee, sort his lunch out, feed the cats and get myself sorted, all the while shouting "are you up?". Some mornings I snap when it's getting too late, but there's never an all day sulk over it (because he knows I'm right!).

mikey72

That sounds just like my wife.

floss2

Depends who was in the wrong, or who feels the more guilty!

Artytarty

I never back down! Well, very rarely anyhow!
But he gets his way over the really big issues, I only hold out on the minor grugdes front. Dosent it sound like fun? Actually generally things run to plan.
OP--- he is being a knob. I would be doing as little as possible till he realises just what you amnage to accomplish in a normal day.

Teenie_D

I am the more stubborn one in our relationship, we very rarely fall out but when we do DH hates it and apologises really quickly so then I feel guilty and apologise too.

In the past we did have some barneys and I used to need space to calm down but he just couldn't stand it and would be all over me which made me 10 times worse:mad:.

Can't actually remember the last time we had one of those

OP your DH in my opinion was totally out of order and I wouldn't be speaking to him either!

Eager_Elephant

I had to laugh at the question you have posed!!

I can make a minor disagreement drag on for days!! Although I have got better recently and am trying to analyze our arguments/disagreements more.

I appreciate you need your OH to help out but sometimes the stress of relying on other people is not worth it so it is better to do it yourself. If my understanding is correct you are a childminder so can you not take all the children to the school?

I say the above not because I think you are wrong but that it would save an argument.

My DH has depression and really struggles to get out of bed, I get up before the household, I would sort the children, do the packed lunches and then wake him up.

We had various issues and went to Relate where we discussed the parent - child relationship we have. So things have changed now and I no longer wake him up in the mornings - if he doesn't get up he is late for work!!
We now take it in turns to either get up with the children and assorted gumph or do the animals. It works much better and I don't feel as resentful!

Sometimes at weekends he lays in (after 10) and then says 'Why didn't you wake me?'. I respond with 'I'm not your mum!'. He then has to rush around sorting the animals as they should have been let out earlier and are desperate for food and water. I do worry about the animals but I can't take responsibility for them all the time.
If we have something planned and he is not up we go without him!!

EE

nzmegs

So, gabyjane, you work early mornings/night shifts, get home, take kids to school and look after your mindees during the day? have i got this right? Your husband says he will have the next 6 weeks off due to school being out. I take it he is a teacher or something. Or is he a house husband. You seem to be running yourself ragged with organising stuff as well. No wonder you got a pit peeved. I don't blame you at all. My advice would be to stop taking responsibility for his actions.
In the case of your people coming to the house you should have let them arrive and have him deal with the consequences of him being in bed. Also stop calling him in the morning. warn him that from now own he needs to set his alarm as you are no longer going to be his alarm clock. He is relying on you to get him up - what is he, a teenager?
Chances are he feels like he is treated like a child and resents it and you feel like you are the parent and resent. The easy answer is simply not to do it and let him be the adult he is.

peachyprice

nzmegs wrote: »

In the case of your people coming to the house you should have let them arrive and have him deal with the consequences of him being in bed.

I would be SERIOUSLY displeased if I was dropping my children off at the childminder to find a) she was leaving my child with her unregistered husband while she did the school run and b)he was still in bed.

Morgan_Ree

Personally I never back down in an argument, nor am I the first to apologise.

Mainly because I'm a woman therefore I'm always right

Your situation I would say it's a bit of both of you. From time to time we all accidently on purpose ignore the alarm clock. That extra 10 minutes in bed does make a difference!
The fact he's ignored you all day is a little childish but again we are all prone to childish tantrums from time to time.

At the same time if my OH walked into the room demanding I get out of bed I'd be in a foul mood too.

I'd just act normally around him. To me it's not really a big issue so I wouldn't go round making it one.

Lara44

Eager_Elephant wrote: »

We had various issues and went to Relate where we discussed the parent - child relationship we have. So things have changed now and I no longer wake him up in the mornings - if he doesn't get up he is late for work!!
We now take it in turns to either get up with the children and assorted gumph or do the animals. It works much better and I don't feel as resentful!

Sometimes at weekends he lays in (after 10) and then says 'Why didn't you wake me?'. I respond with 'I'm not your mum!'. He then has to rush around sorting the animals as they should have been let out earlier and are desperate for food and water. I do worry about the animals but I can't take responsibility for them all the time.
If we have something planned and he is not up we go without him!!

EE

I have been worried about this too EE. It seems like an easy pattern to fall into and for me the line between efficient / controlling behaviour is very thin. Sometimes I just have to let myself let go and not worry about it. We don't even have kids yet!!