Holiday or not?

mikey72

This forum is like the arch nemesis of a relate meeting isn't it?

esmerelda98

mikey72 wrote: »

This forum is like the arch nemesis of a relate meeting isn't it?

Not long before MSE starts being cited in divorce petitions methinks.

GEEGEE8

Hi everyone, sorry I haven't been back to the thread... wasn't sure how to explain it all really..

He did come over, and proceeded to get his clothes and stuff that he leaves here, I just let him get on with it. Then he tried to talk (shout) at me and was very angry.. I just said to him that I wasn't happy and that if he wants to get his stuff and go then he can.. He was all gobby like he usually is before he gets what I'm talking about.

Anyhow, after a while he calmed down a bit and I told him straight, I wasn't happy being the third person and always feeling like my feelings don't count. That he's selfish, immature and really needs to move out of home, whether it's with me in the future or even by himself as it's just a joke and it's not helping his personality or our relationship.

He carried on saying, it's nothing to do with me blah blah blah.. I just said to him, that's fine then, but if it's nothing to do with me then why is it ruining our relationship?

I said I don't have a problem with his mum, and I don't, I really don't know her very well.. but I said to him I'm sick of you leading a relationship with your mum that you should be leading with me!

I said the following;

You go home to your mum and have dinner and a chat
You go food shopping at Tesco with your mum
You go football with your mum (altho this has now changed)
You plan to fix and repair the house with your mum
You allow you and your mum to drive the car
Your mum washes/irons/cleans the house

I said to him, from my point of view,

I go to the shops on my own
I eat most meals on my own with no chatting to anyone
I was never invited to football last season because you went with your mum
You never plan things with me or our future
You refused to let me drive the car
You aren't growing up when your mum does all cleaning etc

I pointed out that I felt that he concentrates on him and mum more than me and him. He never once offered to take me to the supermarket once I sold my car about 2/3 weeks ago (I've been getting it delivered instead of saying anything), I've always felt pushed out, especially the football thing, and now mum isn't going because apparently she can't afford the ticket I'm being invited. I said am I just a convenient replacement then?
I said I wasn't bothered for driving the car really, but it was the fact that you obviously don't trust me enough to drive it, and didn't even discuss it.
I said that I felt he hadn't grown up due to living at home all his life and I didn't now if I wanted to move in with him if he's just a little boy who can't even wash his own clothes.

Well, the penny dropped after all that comparison and he looked very embarrased and ashamed of how he has treated me over the last 18 months.

He said that he wants to move out, but because his mum isn't working (she's 61 now) and he said he wanted to wait until next year. I asked why and he said I've got my reasons. I said, that isn't good enough, this is my life too and I am not standing for this secrecy anymore, I'm tired of it and it makes me upset and paranoid when you don't want to tell me things.

He then changed the subject and said how did he know I could pay 50% of the bills, and I was very angry! I live on my own and pay 100% of the bills, so my outgoings would go down if anything ! and how dare he critise me when he pays less than me to his mum each month! He then said, you don't know how much I pay, and I said, yes I do, £xxx each month, and he said, well that's just what I've told you. So I said, well what do you pay then?? Have you lied to me? Anyway, basically he is paying more at the moment so that his mum will have more money when he leaves next year.. and his reasons for not moving out til next year.. (I had to guess) were that he wants to pay off her mortgage so that when he leaves she can afford her outgoings each month without having to get a job.

1) part of me agrees with what he is doing re: mortgage and as long as it all goes okay then it'll be fine.

2) I am p1ssed off that he never told me the real reason that it had to be next year and instead made out that it was because 'we' weren't ready and we would split up if we did it any earlier.

He said he thought I'd be angry that he was doing that, which I'm not.. I'm angry that he has put our life on hold for his mum and not even told me the real reason or discussed it with me.

We have made up, but I still feel distant from him. I just hope the damage can be fixed in time and I can feel close to him again, at the moment I just feel like I want space.

He was very sorry all weekend and tried to talk more about things and explain why he was like it, and try to say sorry for all the things he had upset me over regarding his secrecy and pushing me out.

He can now see that he has pushed me away and how badly it has hurt me and affected our relationship. He is gutted that he didn't see it before and also feels very stupid for not telling me things because he thought I'd be angry.

I don't really know how I feel at the moment...
I

GEEGEE8

Sorry for the huge post.

I have also said to him about uni and he said he's been off about it because he thinks that I'll struggle with money and he admitted that he was worried I'd meet other people (men) and not want to know him.

I was very harsh towards him on Saturday and to be honest I could have quite happily ended it all there, and I think he knows that.

Fang_3

GEEGEE8 wrote: »

Hi everyone, sorry I haven't been back to the thread... wasn't sure how to explain it all really..

He did come over, and proceeded to get his clothes and stuff that he leaves here, I just let him get on with it. Then he tried to talk (shout) at me and was very angry.. I just said to him that I wasn't happy and that if he wants to get his stuff and go then he can.. He was all gobby like he usually is before he gets what I'm talking about.

Anyhow, after a while he calmed down a bit and I told him straight, I wasn't happy being the third person and always feeling like my feelings don't count. That he's selfish, immature and really needs to move out of home, whether it's with me in the future or even by himself as it's just a joke and it's not helping his personality or our relationship.

He carried on saying, it's nothing to do with me blah blah blah.. I just said to him, that's fine then, but if it's nothing to do with me then why is it ruining our relationship?

I said I don't have a problem with his mum, and I don't, I really don't know her very well.. but I said to him I'm sick of you leading a relationship with your mum that you should be leading with me!

I said the following;

You go home to your mum and have dinner and a chat
You go food shopping at Tesco with your mum
You go football with your mum (altho this has now changed)
You plan to fix and repair the house with your mum
You allow you and your mum to drive the car
Your mum washes/irons/cleans the house

I said to him, from my point of view,

I go to the shops on my own
I eat most meals on my own with no chatting to anyone
I was never invited to football last season because you went with your mum
You never plan things with me or our future
You refused to let me drive the car
You aren't growing up when your mum does all cleaning etc

I pointed out that I felt that he concentrates on him and mum more than me and him. He never once offered to take me to the supermarket once I sold my car about 2/3 weeks ago (I've been getting it delivered instead of saying anything), I've always felt pushed out, especially the football thing, and now mum isn't going because apparently she can't afford the ticket I'm being invited. I said am I just a convenient replacement then?
I said I wasn't bothered for driving the car really, but it was the fact that you obviously don't trust me enough to drive it, and didn't even discuss it.
I said that I felt he hadn't grown up due to living at home all his life and I didn't now if I wanted to move in with him if he's just a little boy who can't even wash his own clothes.

Well, the penny dropped after all that comparison and he looked very embarrased and ashamed of how he has treated me over the last 18 months.

He said that he wants to move out, but because his mum isn't working (she's 61 now) and he said he wanted to wait until next year. I asked why and he said I've got my reasons. I said, that isn't good enough, this is my life too and I am not standing for this secrecy anymore, I'm tired of it and it makes me upset and paranoid when you don't want to tell me things.

He then changed the subject and said how did he know I could pay 50% of the bills, and I was very angry! I live on my own and pay 100% of the bills, so my outgoings would go down if anything ! and how dare he critise me when he pays less than me to his mum each month! He then said, you don't know how much I pay, and I said, yes I do, £xxx each month, and he said, well that's just what I've told you. So I said, well what do you pay then?? Have you lied to me? Anyway, basically he is paying more at the moment so that his mum will have more money when he leaves next year.. and his reasons for not moving out til next year.. (I had to guess) were that he wants to pay off her mortgage so that when he leaves she can afford her outgoings each month without having to get a job.

1) part of me agrees with what he is doing re: mortgage and as long as it all goes okay then it'll be fine.

2) I am p1ssed off that he never told me the real reason that it had to be next year and instead made out that it was because 'we' weren't ready and we would split up if we did it any earlier.

He said he thought I'd be angry that he was doing that, which I'm not.. I'm angry that he has put our life on hold for his mum and not even told me the real reason or discussed it with me.

We have made up, but I still feel distant from him. I just hope the damage can be fixed in time and I can feel close to him again, at the moment I just feel like I want space.

He was very sorry all weekend and tried to talk more about things and explain why he was like it, and try to say sorry for all the things he had upset me over regarding his secrecy and pushing me out.

He can now see that he has pushed me away and how badly it has hurt me and affected our relationship. He is gutted that he didn't see it before and also feels very stupid for not telling me things because he thought I'd be angry.

I don't really know how I feel at the moment...
I

So the guy is actually being selfless in helping his mum and you don't like that? Beggars belief! It's not all about you, no matter how much you want it to be.

Brighton_belle

Good to hear from your Geegee. I thought maybe you'd had a long long talk. And I think that's a good thing btw.

I think it all needed to come out. Every last bit. All cards on the table. And though you probably don't like the thought of being harsh, it probably was necessary to demonstrate the extent of what you felt and why and that the realtionship was hanging by a thread for you becsude of it.

I know you have talked in past threads of all the things you value about him. And it really sounds like he does what to be with you.

Only the pair of you can decide where to go from here. I think it probably depends on how he behaves from now on. I'm sure it won't be a totally smooth ride BUT, he does seem to have a history of, after being defensive, really taking on board what you say and changing.
I think you have both taken a huge step forward in clear communication:T
I really really wish you well.

EDIT: fang - I would suggest that the OP has said fairly clearly she is not unhappy with him helping his mum, but that he was lying about his reasons for them not living togther yet left her confused about how much he valued the OP and his relationship.

GEEGEE8

Don't worry about Fang - he has issues, and apparently blocked me the other day.. although it seems not, I must be too exciting for him.. Just trying to work out how to block him now as I can't stand his attitude.

GEEGEE8

He does have many good points yes, I'm finding it hard to deal with someone that sometimes I feel like I don't know.

He has made a lot of positive changes since I met him, and although I never wanted to change him as such, he just wasn't able to have a normal relationship unless he sorted himself out, and by changing it has helped him gain confidence and be happier.. He always says that I'm the best thing that has ever happened to him and that I've done so much for him emotionally. I hate to say it, but emotionally he has drained me, and I think he knows now that he has taken a lot more than he has given and his selfishness is ruining something that he says is the most important thing to him.

Brighton_belle

Feeling emotionally drained isn't good a good outcome from a relationship. But you have the sense to relise that.

So it sounds, as you said, like you just need a bit of time and space to work that out how you do feel and what you want.

GEEGEE8

Brighton_belle wrote: »

Feeling emotionally drained isn't good a good outcome from a relationship. But you have the sense to relise that.

So it sounds, as you said, like you just need a bit of time and space to work that out how you do feel and what you want.

I guess a lot of the fun has gone in some ways as the frustrations have been a bit overbearing.. I do hope that we can get through all this, I do love him, but just tired of feeling like an outsider in my own relationship.

I feel like we always talk well after an argument, but then it seems to go back to how it was. So it's up to him to make the effort now and try to be more open.

It's as though I want more from the relationship, but don't want to be smothered with affection at the moment, how I get him to understand this I don't know. Even I don't understand it all.. lol.

I want more commitment, not affection if that makes sense?