Holiday or not?

GEEGEE8

puffinmuffin wrote: »

I expect the relationship may start to move to the side a bit when you start uni anyway, especially if you want to grab all the opportunities that will come your way. He is going to have to fit in around your new life.

Yeah exactly. My uni will take first position for me, and although I know he wants me to do the very best, I also think he will kick up a fuss if I have an assignment to get in and I can't see him.

We have got into a routine and I know he's worried that it will change now, but that's life.

Last year I went to college on a Monday, worked the rest of the week and at the weekend I would arrange with my boss, who was also my friend, to alternate my day off to fit around him going to his football matches.

I don't think I'll find a job that flexible again.. shame the shop closed down..

It might be that I'm at uni all week, and at the weekend I might have to work, or I might have to work the day he isn't at football, but then working and uni come before his football, so he'll have to realise that.

Thanks for all the support. Sometimes I don't know if I'm being too harsh on him and second guess myself.

Brighton_belle

For what it's worth GeeGee, I think you are doing the right thing to focus on your uni life to get the most out of it (and you will get waaaay more out of it than if you had gone at 18 I promise you).

I have followed your previous threads ana I think you have balanced well between trying to understand him and valueing the good things in the relationship, and beginning to recognise that you must be wary of always bending to his needs and difficulties in coping with change. Understanding his difficulites and being sympathetic to that is seperate to actually supressing your own needs and concerns and anxieties that his behaviour sometimes causes.

I imagine his resistance to your going to uni is about his anxieties around change etc. But in this case I feel you deserve someone who is able to fully support this exciting,proactive and positive step in your life. I hope he is able to do that in time.

One of the only friend's wedding ceremonies to stand out in my mind is from 20+ years ago, where both of the couple included in their vows the promise to support and encourage each others personal growth and interests. That to me has beome part of the bedrock of being together with my OH.
My OH also finds change difficult and i have worked to help minimise that stress for him where possible but have had to learn not to supress my own needs too.

GEEGEE8

Brighton_belle wrote: »

For what it's worth GeeGee, I think you are doing the right thing to focus on your uni life to get the most out of it (and you will get waaaay more out of it than if you had gone at 18 I promise you).

I have followed your previous threads ana I think you have balanced well between trying to understand him and valueing the good things in the relationship, and beginning to recognise that you must be wary of always bending to his needs and difficulties in coping with change. Understanding his difficulites and being sympathetic to that is seperate to actually supressing your own needs and concerns and anxieties that his behaviour sometimes causes.

I imagine his resistance to your going to uni is about his anxieties around change etc. But in this case I feel you deserve someone who is able to fully support this exciting,proactive and positive step in your life. I hope he is able to do that in time.

One of the only friend's wedding ceremonies to stand out in my mind is from 20+ years ago, where both of the couple included in their vows the promise to support and encourage each others personal growth and interests. That to me has beome part of the bedrock of being together with my OH.
My OH also finds change difficult and i have worked to help minimise that stress for him where possible but have had to learn not to supress my own needs too.

Thanks for the post Brighton Belle.. I think you are right, I've tried to balance out a lot of things and not sacrifice myself too much.

I guess I also wish he would move out of home now, he's 33 and I'd like him to be more independant and get a life of his own that doesn't involve his mum all the time.

Going to my mums wedding next weekend, so he's just rang and asked if I can pick him up so his mum can have his car for the weekend. I'm a tad annoyed as I already have a 300 round trip to do and now an extra 100 miles picking up and dropping him off.. grrr.. All this because he didn't feel comfortable driving and so I'm having to get a hire car for the weekend. So money for hire car and extra money for mileage now, when he has a perfectly decent car we could have used.

Things like that annoy me.

Brighton_belle

Mmm, he really hasn't thought that one through from anything other than his own perspective has he. Does he not want to put you on his car insurance so you could have driven his car? If not why not - he trusts his mother to drive his car.
And will he automatic assume he will be paying half the hire car costs. Somehow I suspect not. Basically, and I don't expect he has consciously realised this, but he has put your needs last out of his, and his mother and yours and hasn't approached this as the two of you being a team...
Again, I do recognise the traits in this from my situation me and OH have worked through (well, it would be more honest of me to say I put up with for ages before slowly things changed).

Can he catch a train to yours so you don't have to pick him up. Will he be paying towards petrol?

GEEGEE8

I think he could tell on the phone I wasn't impressed really. Feels like a kick in the teeth when he said can I pick him up next weekend because it seems silly his car sitting there being un-used, and I said well it's only for one night, and he said yeh but my mum can use it. I just felt like saying 'I could bl00dy use it too!'.. I've got a wedding to go to, what's his mum got, a little shopping trip? grrrr..

I just feel constantly p1ssed off, I fear an argument this weekend I just can't seem to hide my disappointment at his actions and attitude towards things.

I guess being put on the insurance may have cost more than the hire car, but the fact that it wasn't even discussed etc.

Also he said, well I'll arrange to be dropped off then.. WHY?! why is next weekend any different from other weekends.. he did that when we went on holiday and his mum picked him up and proceeded to talk to him about football and he didn't even give me a quick hug or peck on the cheek.. the atmosphere was ridiculous and I felt like an imposter in their relationship.

Not happy at the moment.. not really sure where to go from here..

I doubt he will pay towards petrol, he does drive to see me now, but only because he lives at home and I can't really go round there. Also, he will say he doesn't really want to go anyway so why should he pay towards it.

He won't catch a train, he'll just get his mum to drop him off.

She already borrowed the car during the week, I guess she dropped him off and picked him up from work. I just cringe.. I feel like he has a relationship already, so why would he want to change for something he already has with his mum. Feel used sometimes.

lesalanos

He certainly doesn't like change much if he has lived at home for 33 years. His mum is a huge security blanket for him and he is petrified of losing that. He has to realise that for your/his future he has to start letting go and losing that security. His whole attitude comes from a massive lack of self confidence, he cannot do things for himself but you sound extremely independant.

A lot of compromise and understanding will be needed from you both if you are going to survive together. It almost seems as though you will need to be tougher with him to make him more independant, if not then he wont let go himself. It depends on if you think that he is the one whether it is worth putting in the effort, it wont be easy for either of you.

He needs to grow some now and live for himself otherwise he will be in for one hell of a shock and at a complete loss when his mum eventually goes.

Has it always been just him and his mum? His mum also needs to start letting go of here baby and making him more independant.

Good luck with it all.

Brighton_belle

It's all sounding like a bit too much hard work.

Does he tend to eventually 'get it' and that's another issue he is unfamiliar in dealing/coping with done and behind you that he has learnt positively from?
It really does sound like he has led this very insular life with only himself to consider and just hasn't developed the sharing, considering other's skills very much out of lack of need to to rather than deliberate intent. All aided by a mum who has supported and colluded in this. But, as you say, he is a grown man of 33 and if he wants more out of life, he needs perhaps to work on the dormant side of his personality.
It must be hard when it always seems like you having to challenge some of his decisions/behaviour and be sure that its not just you being 'demanding' (which I don't for a moment think it is). I think what you are asking for is normal 'how to treat a friend you love, let a lone a boy/girlfriend'.

I'd be suprised if it was that much to add you to the insurance, bt as you say, it's the not discussing it that matters.

GEEGEE8

Yeh, his dad left when he was 2yrs old I think.

He needs to sort himself out as I've run out of patience.. I am very independant, I live on my own, 150 miles away from family and I can do almost anything without worrying.. He can't, he's lacking in confidence and struggles with a lot of situations. He won't even drive somewhere if he's never been there before.

I've put so much effort in already, I'm not sure if I want to put anymore in.

His mum prob babies him.. she should have told him to drive to the wedding and stop being so wet.. !

GEEGEE8

Brighton Belle - you are so right.

He rang to say he was leaving and asked me why I was moody, so I told him about how I felt about the car situation. He went off on one saying I was jealous of his mum and that it's his car and he doesn't want me anywhere near it.

He hung up on me twice, said some nasty stuff about how awful I was in even asking. Said he would pay the £50 for car (i said he never once offered before to do this), and basically just went mad at me for even saying about it.

Not happy at all.

GEEGEE8

He does tend to 'get it' after hours of explaining things to him, which also drives me mad!!