What happened to getting married before having children?

Bufger

Getting married August 2011, baby due November 2010.

Wedding was planned last year, little'un wasnt planned but is a welcome suprise.

I'm with you on the arguement about marriage/parenting commitments and the fact that people see the marriage part as a bigger commitment than having kids - thats just crazy!

I think its more to do with how much the parents love each other and love the child, if the vows are less important than the love then the child wont notice any difference anyway.

Bufger

sassy-one wrote: »

My wife and me were married before we had children, although I think a lot of younger people in this century don't give marriage a second thought!

It could be because the average wedding now costs £10k+ and people just dont have that kind of money. Yes you can do it cheaper but how many women are willing to sacrifice their ideal big day due to lack of funds? I think they would just rather wait (and in some cases save up).

Its rediculous just how much you get ripped off for the different wedding services.

POPPYOSCAR

[QUOTE=Bufger;35115255]Getting married August 2011, baby due November 2010.

Wedding was planned last year, little'un wasnt planned but is a welcome suprise.

I'm with you on the arguement about marriage/parenting commitments and the fact that people see the marriage part as a bigger commitment than having kids - thats just crazy!

I think its more to do with how much the parents love each other and love the child, if the vows are less important than the love then the child wont notice any difference anyway.[/QUOTE]




Congratulations!! and Congratulations!!

Dave101t

im 27, and i think marriage before kids is a must.
im not sure if thats just because thats the way i was brought up or if its my independent thought, but whenever i see partners with kids, looking to maybe marry in the airy fairy future i think less of them as people.

my reasoning is along the lines of: you dont want the commitment? but you are having a kid?
you love your partner? buy you dont want to marry them!
these people are obviously thinking of themselves only and not the family unit which bodes really well for the future. unmarried parents must be thinking its easier to keep their own things in the event on an impending split?
maybe they do love eachother dearly and dont think they need a piece of paper? they dont need others 'approval'? well thats fine too but they are only one level up on my my list of 'undesirables' from benefit cheats because they are also cheating themselves.
yes this sounds very very snobby (sorry!) but i work full time, im married (8 months), no kids yet and tho marriage doesnt 'change' things per se, it is an institution, i dont mean religously), it demonstrates to you, and your partner you have made a life long promise and anything less than marriage smacks of 'yes i love you dear, but not enough'.
and the lesson to the kids: well if you are happy bringing them up in a mixed up world where anything goes, married, unmarried, on-again off-again mother/father, gay civil married parents etc then imagine what their lifestyle choices will include being born into that!
my marriage cost 150 quid service, 300 quid clothing for couple, 800 quid function on evening. and it was perfect.

Bufger

Dave101t wrote: »

im 27, and i think marriage before kids is a must.
im not sure if thats just because thats the way i was brought up or if its my independent thought, but whenever i see partners with kids, looking to maybe marry in the airy fairy future i think less of them as people.

my reasoning is along the lines of: you dont want the commitment? but you are having a kid?
you love your partner? buy you dont want to marry them!
these people are obviously thinking of themselves only and not the family unit which bodes really well for the future. unmarried parents must be thinking its easier to keep their own things in the event on an impending split?
maybe they do love eachother dearly and dont think they need a piece of paper? they dont need others 'approval'? well thats fine too but they are only one level up on my my list of 'undesirables' from benefit cheats because they are also cheating themselves.
yes this sounds very very snobby (sorry!) but i work full time, im married (8 months), no kids yet and tho marriage doesnt 'change' things per se, it is an institution, i dont mean religously), it demonstrates to you, and your partner you have made a life long promise and anything less than marriage smacks of 'yes i love you dear, but not enough'.
and the lesson to the kids: well if you are happy bringing them up in a mixed up world where anything goes, married, unmarried, on-again off-again mother/father, gay civil married parents etc then imagine what their lifestyle choices will include being born into that!
my marriage cost 150 quid service, 300 quid clothing for couple, 800 quid function on evening. and it was perfect.

Maybe circumstances are preventing them
Maybe you're making alot of assumptions about alot of people

I cant get married before the birth of our child but it will only be a few months out. I'm sorry you think less of me as a person for this but with your narrow minded medieval views im sure i'll still sleep at night.

People have different circumstances. To paint everyone with one brush is a little silly IMO

POPPYOSCAR

Dave101t wrote: »

im 27, and i think marriage before kids is a must.
im not sure if thats just because thats the way i was brought up or if its my independent thought, but whenever i see partners with kids, looking to maybe marry in the airy fairy future i think less of them as people.

my reasoning is along the lines of: you dont want the commitment? but you are having a kid?
you love your partner? buy you dont want to marry them!
these people are obviously thinking of themselves only and not the family unit which bodes really well for the future. unmarried parents must be thinking its easier to keep their own things in the event on an impending split?
maybe they do love eachother dearly and dont think they need a piece of paper? they dont need others 'approval'? well thats fine too but they are only one level up on my my list of 'undesirables' from benefit cheats because they are also cheating themselves.
yes this sounds very very snobby (sorry!) but i work full time, im married (8 months), no kids yet and tho marriage doesnt 'change' things per se, it is an institution, i dont mean religously), it demonstrates to you, and your partner you have made a life long promise and anything less than marriage smacks of 'yes i love you dear, but not enough'.
and the lesson to the kids: well if you are happy bringing them up in a mixed up world where anything goes, married, unmarried, on-again off-again mother/father, gay civil married parents etc then imagine what their lifestyle choices will include being born into that!
my marriage cost 150 quid service, 300 quid clothing for couple, 800 quid function on evening. and it was perfect.

Presumably you will have 2.4 children when you do have them!

do_it_today!

Dave101t wrote: »

im 27, and i think marriage before kids is a must.
im not sure if thats just because thats the way i was brought up or if its my independent thought, but whenever i see partners with kids, looking to maybe marry in the airy fairy future i think less of them as people.

my reasoning is along the lines of: you dont want the commitment? but you are having a kid?
you love your partner? buy you dont want to marry them!
these people are obviously thinking of themselves only and not the family unit which bodes really well for the future. unmarried parents must be thinking its easier to keep their own things in the event on an impending split?
maybe they do love eachother dearly and dont think they need a piece of paper? they dont need others 'approval'? well thats fine too but they are only one level up on my my list of 'undesirables' from benefit cheats because they are also cheating themselves.
yes this sounds very very snobby (sorry!) but i work full time, im married (8 months), no kids yet and tho marriage doesnt 'change' things per se, it is an institution, i dont mean religously), it demonstrates to you, and your partner you have made a life long promise and anything less than marriage smacks of 'yes i love you dear, but not enough'.
and the lesson to the kids: well if you are happy bringing them up in a mixed up world where anything goes, married, unmarried, on-again off-again mother/father, gay civil married parents etc then imagine what their lifestyle choices will include being born into that!
my marriage cost 150 quid service, 300 quid clothing for couple, 800 quid function on evening. and it was perfect.

I am married but dont think marriage is a guarantee for families working out perfectly in all cases there are still f/up cases.

I am very impressed that you managed to get married for less than £2,000! :T there is too much pressure that if you must marry it MUST be lavish and costly and maybe more people would if they realised it could be possible on a smaller budget.

but then saying that did anyone see that programme on kids birthday parties £12,000 for a 9year olds birthday party!!!! excl presents !!!! :eek:

POPPYOSCAR

Bufger wrote: »

Maybe circumstances are preventing them
Maybe you're making alot of assumptions about alot of people

I cant get married before the birth of our child but it will only be a few months out. I'm sorry you think less of me as a person for this but with your narrow minded medieval views im sure i'll still sleep at night.

People have different circumstances. To paint everyone with one brush is a little silly IMO

I quite agree with you.

If people want to be married that is a personal choice for them and I do not denounce them for it, but I find the stance of some married people very bigoted.

margaretclare

A question: if marriage is so irrelevant, if it's 'only a piece of paper' and a very expensive ceremony that can be dispensed with, why should anyone marry once the possibility of children is no longer there? People are marrying at later ages than before. A couple in their late 80s got married very recently in their care home. It can't be because of financial support, which was a reason for marriage in Jane Austen's day, and it can't be because of children.

DH and I married in our mid-60s. After 2 unsuccessful attempts he did not, at first, feel like making a third attempt, but eventually he did 'for all the right reasons' as he put it.

As someone who worked for freely-available contraception and planned parenthood back in the 1970s I think that things have now swung much too far in the opposite direction from the punitive situation when I was born. The casualness with which young people engage in sex and conception is appalling. You are talking about another person's life!

And no, I don't agree that a wedding need necessarily cost £10K. People are including the cost of the hen and stag parties, which must be a weekend with cheap flights to e.g Prague, and a honeymoon in e.g. Thailand or Mexico. None of this is necessary to have a very nice wedding!

margaretclare

Dave101t wrote: »

im 27, and i think marriage before kids is a must.
im not sure if thats just because thats the way i was brought up or if its my independent thought, but whenever i see partners with kids, looking to maybe marry in the airy fairy future i think less of them as people.

my reasoning is along the lines of: you dont want the commitment? but you are having a kid?
you love your partner? buy you dont want to marry them!
these people are obviously thinking of themselves only and not the family unit which bodes really well for the future. unmarried parents must be thinking its easier to keep their own things in the event on an impending split?
maybe they do love eachother dearly and dont think they need a piece of paper? they dont need others 'approval'? well thats fine too but they are only one level up on my my list of 'undesirables' from benefit cheats because they are also cheating themselves.
yes this sounds very very snobby (sorry!) but i work full time, im married (8 months), no kids yet and tho marriage doesnt 'change' things per se, it is an institution, i dont mean religously), it demonstrates to you, and your partner you have made a life long promise and anything less than marriage smacks of 'yes i love you dear, but not enough'.
and the lesson to the kids: well if you are happy bringing them up in a mixed up world where anything goes, married, unmarried, on-again off-again mother/father, gay civil married parents etc then imagine what their lifestyle choices will include being born into that!
my marriage cost 150 quid service, 300 quid clothing for couple, 800 quid function on evening. and it was perfect.

I agree with much that you write.

BTW our wedding, including a 3-day honeymoon in the Cotswolds, cost £1K total. We'd just had our 'big trip' to North America so felt no need to rush off again to Cancun for the honeymoon.