What happened to getting married before having children?

swingaloo

Before I start I just want to say that this is in no way aimed at any of the posters on this forum.
The question just came to mind because of reading through some of the threads.

So many young people are choosing to try for a family and dont appear to have given a thought to getting married. I know that no one would want to go back to the dark ages when being an unmarried mother brought shame upon the family but dont you think we are going too far the other way.
One lady in our street is waiting till her three girls are a bit older so they can all be bridesmaids! Children are now growing up thinking that its the norm to have parents who dont live together, maybe for financial reasons and have different surnames.
Maybe Im wrong, maybe it dosnt matter, but I do worry about the disposable world we live in. Ive heard people say they wont marry because it may not work out, yet they will produce children together and not worry about it working out.

Having said that maybe Im being hypocritical because I live with my partner and we are not married. However, Im way past childbearing age and can honestly say that if I was younger I wouldnt give a thought to having a child without marrying. In a strange way I feel we owe it to our children to provide them with a secure family upbringing.

I know people will jump on this and say that many marriages do not work out. I accept that argument but cant see that as a reason for not trying to make a commitment. I know that having children together is a commitment but then so is buying a washing machine together!.

Its the same thing when people say they dont live together because they cant afford to. If thats the case then why have children? Surely togetherness as a family is more important than claiming more benefits.

I can see in the years to come that this 'easy come- easy go' lifestyle will be the norm.

I just struggle to understand why the baby comes before the commitment to each other. Im not trying to upset anyone with my view, I would just like to understand.

gratefulforhelp_2

Look at the people who are being held up as role models, WAGs et.c. They are getting married afterwards. I imagine its because their rich partners won't get married until a child is born in case it cost them too much in the divorce?

IWantToBeFree_2

Is it parents who don't live together that you object to or parents who aren't married because the title of your thread suggests one thing and then your post suggests another....

Personally, I don't understand what the issue is as long as the child has a good upbringing.

Velcro_Hotdog

Me and the other half decided that we didn't want the hassle and expense of getting married all for a piece of paper and a couple of rings. There is obviously a whole lot more to marrage than that but we can't be bothered with it as we feel that we do not need any of it to prove we love each other.

The nipper well he just sort of arrived but we had already been together for a couple of years and had alread decided a wedding was not for us. wouldn't change anything for the world

swingaloo

Im not sure I understand your question. Ive just read through my post again and cant see how you suggest the title and thread say different things.

nikki2804

Unfortunately a piece of paper does not constitute a stable household or upbringing.

I'm an unmarried mother, im engaged but i'm in no rush to get married. I have the same surname as my partner and little one, it was simply changed by deedpoll.

geri1965_2

Why are you worried, OP? The world is not going to end because people who aren't married are having kids.

faerie_girl

I think having a child is a big commitment, something that is with you for the rest of your life. Marriage is just a ritual humans invented, it is just a piece of paper (even if it does have a legal standing)
Being an unmarried parent makes you no less of a good one. Many couples choose not to marry for whatever reason, doesn't make their family less valid.

I am glad their isn't the stigma against unmarried mothers, like I said it is just a silly ritual really. Just because you are unmarried doesn't mean you can't live together with your children in one home. My son has a very secure home life, his father works full time to provide finanically and I work one day so I can care for him almost full time and he doesn't have to go into childcare until he is older.

I don't see being unmarried as being less of a commitment to each other. You can be married and uncommitted, both commiting adultery. As for family members having different names, it is just a name. In many cultures a woman keeps their surname which came from her father, I think it is Islam (although I maybe wrong) where a women still 'belongs' to her father rather than her husband.

IWantToBeFree_2

swingaloo wrote: »

Before I start I just want to say that this is in no way aimed at any of the posters on this forum.
The question just came to mind because of reading through some of the threads.

So many young people are choosing to try for a family and dont appear to have given a thought to getting married. I know that no one would want to go back to the dark ages when being an unmarried mother brought shame upon the family but dont you think we are going too far the other way.
One lady in our street is waiting till her three girls are a bit older so they can all be bridesmaids! Children are now growing up thinking that its the norm to have parents who dont live together, maybe for financial reasons and have different surnames.
Maybe Im wrong, maybe it dosnt matter, but I do worry about the disposable world we live in. Ive heard people say they wont marry because it may not work out, yet they will produce children together and not worry about it working out.

Having said that maybe Im being hypocritical because I live with my partner and we are not married. However, Im way past childbearing age and can honestly say that if I was younger I wouldnt give a thought to having a child without marrying. In a strange way I feel we owe it to our children to provide them with a secure family upbringing.

I know people will jump on this and say that many marriages do not work out. I accept that argument but cant see that as a reason for not trying to make a commitment. I know that having children together is a commitment but then so is buying a washing machine together!.

Its the same thing when people say they dont live together because they cant afford to. If thats the case then why have children? Surely togetherness as a family is more important than claiming more benefits.

I can see in the years to come that this 'easy come- easy go' lifestyle will be the norm.

I just struggle to understand why the baby comes before the commitment to each other. Im not trying to upset anyone with my view, I would just like to understand.

You are talking about 2 different things - not being married, and not living together - but you talk about them like to do one, you have to do the other. There are people out there who live apart despite having kids, but not everyone who is unmarried with kids live under separate roofs.

My sister isn't married, however, she has 3 children with her partner who she has been with for around 6 years. It doesn't make her a bad parent, her kids have 2 fantastic parents and that is all that matters.

Being married doesn't make you a better parent.

esmerelda98

I always wonder why more 'mature' ladies with children, some of whom are in their teens, do the whole wedding thing. It can't be about making a public statement, because surely having children is more of a commitment and statement. I guess having a wedding is a fashionable thing to do, even though the original meaning for it is thought to be irrelevant to modern society in general and them in particular.

hngrymummy

Because it's become so common for people not to be married before having children, then it becomes more acceptable, so more people do it.

I think it's nice that there are still people out there who do believe in marriage before children. There are too many people whi dismiss it as 'just' a piece of paper. It's waaay more than that for a lot of people. For me it's a whole new dimension to our relationship and I love it and I love that I was able to stand up and tell everyone "this is the man I love and the man I intend to be with for the rest of my life"