What happened to getting married before having children?

Fang_3

pigpen wrote: »

*makes a mental note NOT to lick a freshly 'baptised' baby*

Did you previously do it a lot? Are you the Pope?!

LisaLou1982

My mum and dad werent married but were together for over 30 years and i was their only child. The relationship wasnt perfect by any means, and certainly went through its fair share of ups and downs, but they stayed together. Mum changed her name by deed poll to the same as dads so that we all had the same family name

Both me and mum were with my dad when he died last year. When we went to register the death, mum wasnt allowed to register the death as she wasnt a relative. How disgusting is that? Therefore i had to do it.

Im currently with my partner, we've been together for 4 yrs and although I want children in the future, i do want to be married before i have children. This is nothing to do with that "little piece of paper", but simply the fact that marriage IS a big committment, and if im ready to settle down with someone that i love, then i would like to spend a little time with him as my husband before we have a family. The latter point about mum and her situation with what happened with dad when he died has never had an impact before, although it does now reinforce the point that i would want my OH to be my next of kin and have the decisions over what happens to me when i can no longer make those decisions. Id never want to have my children make those decisions.

I can only speak from my experience. I also agree with one of the other posters re the Class thing. I was bought up in a nice area, with a nice house and mum and dad always instilled a strong work ethic into me. Many of the girls who i went to school with werent from such a nice area and they are all, with the exception of 3, on benefits with 3 or more kids. The 1st one born just after leaving school. Again, this obviously isnt the case for everyone, but I went to university and felt that i want more from my life than a life on benefits as a single mum so i didnt put myself in that position. Then again, i think many of us follow in our parents footsteps and since they didnt have me til mum was 33, and both liked to have holidays etc so worked hard to pay for them. Im the same.

pigpen

Fang wrote: »

Did you previously do it a lot? Are you the Pope?!

Licking people is a sign of affection.. of course one has to lick ones nuts first .. Hazelnuts are best

esmy

We have been happily unmarried with two kids, (one adult, one nearly) for...er...28 years. It simply wasn't important to us to be married. We don't have the same surname - kids use dads name on the basis that at least everyone can spell it!

hermanmunster_3

brians_daughter wrote: »

hermanmunster wrote: »

Marriage is very important, however the names people use are irrelevant - QUOTE]

Again, i go back to my original point that its how we all view things.. you feel miarriage is important but names arent, i am the complete opposite to you I like us to all share the same name but do not wish to be married! All that matters at the end of the day is that children are loved, wanted,secure and cared for. Ideally by 2 parents, but 1 parent is fine too. I am currently conducting a study as part of my degree course on children within and outside of marriage so your views are all of interest me in an academic way!

sounds like an interesting dissertation! Our family stretches people's perceptions of marriage, no outward indications but the marriage has been there for over 20 years but the names wouldn't tell you that.... tickets etc are booked as Dr K, Mr F, Master F, Miss F..... Mr F as you can imagine gets used to being called Mr K (and I do answer to Mrs F!!)

hermanmunster_3

LisaLou1982 wrote: »

Both me and mum were with my dad when he died last year. When we went to register the death, mum wasnt allowed to register the death as she wasnt a relative. How disgusting is that? Therefore i had to do it.

I

very upsetting for your mum and not correct ... anyone present at the death can register it....

actual list is:
a relative
someone present at the death
an occupant of the house
an official from the hospital
the person making the arrangements with the funeral directors

waterbaby

I had my baby while unmarried, because I could not see how being married would change the circumstances that my baby would enter the world in. I was in a secure, committed relationship of seven years; how would we suddenly become more committed or responsible by being married? What would change?

Incidentally my mum, who was married, hit the roof but could not offer any more explanation than 'it's a good thing to do'.

This is about cause and effect isn't it; marriage does not create stable and secure environments. Rather, marriage generally occurs when the stable and secure environment already exists. Things go pear-shaped of course, but that's the principle as I see it.

I am not anti-marriage by the way, I am married now because I always intended to get married. But I totally reject any implication that my child's upbringing has improved because of having married parents.

brians_daughter

pigpen wrote: »

Oh I am so much worse than heathen..I'm not even baptised pmsl...

Oh goodness, dont get me started my mother is still insistant i will, one day, have my children 'welcomed into Gods family of my own accord' shes been waiting over 12 years now. My eldest actually requested a baptism over 3 years ago and he now attends Church and serves as an alter boy...but the whole religion thing freaks me out...quite strange reallly as i am studying religion - it is a facinating subject but i cannot form an allegiance to any faith or god so i sit on the fence, and its very comfortable!

samhuzz

Deleted_User wrote: »

I'm lucky, i never thought it would happen twice, as my first wedding day i thought it was forever. But my second as my Gran said before she died "was an upgrade".

That's a lovely way to put it. Never thought about it like that before. I got married when I was 19 and was with my husband for about 5 years on and off. We finally split in 2008 and I've met someone new who loves my kids as if they were his own. I'm still undecided on whether to get married again though.

brians_daughter

waterbaby wrote: »

This is about cause and effect isn't it; marriage does not create stable and secure environments. Rather, marriage generally occurs when the stable and secure environment already exists. Things go pear-shaped of course, but that's the principle as I see it.

I am not anti-marriage by the way, I am married now because I always intended to get married. But I totally reject any implication that my child's upbringing has improved because of having married parents.

This is what i wanted to say but the 3 glasses of rose i have enjoyed this evening and a rather stressful 10 days have kind of got in my way...anyway i agree with her ! :T:T