What happened to getting married before having children?

PinkLipgloss

It was important to me personally to be married before having children (don't have any - but maybe one day!).

However, the very idea of a "wedding" put me right off. Firstly, my parents are divorced, dad is re-married and mum has new partner. The idea of the 2 branches of the family meeting again (after 17 years) was less than appealing to me. Then - theres the inevitable arguments - I can just picture my gran, "Oh but 2nd cousin twice removed was at your christening and bought you a beautiful teddy bear..." Not to mention the stress of co-ordinating everything for the "big day" AND the expense!

As such, OH and I got married in Japan (he's Japanese and we were living there at the time). Simple trip down to city office (no appointment required) signed some forms - waited until official certificates were made up - paid small fee (around £10) and left!

Family wanted to have a "celebration" so when we came back to UK my mum organised a BBQ in her garden and dads side of the family are organising a get together over the Summer.

I can understand why some people might be put off my the sheer hassel/stress of a wedding!

angelicmary85

I live with my OH of 6years.

We have 2 children.

I will never get married.

gettingthereslowly

It was important to me to get married before kids but thats ME! I would not force this view on others. I've just always imagined having the same name as my own kids. Marriage is important to me (the wedding day not so much - was great but MSE)

Having kids is a bigger commitment (i dont have any yet) and would never say that a childs upbringing is better or more secure if their parents were married. I dont think everyone looks at marriage the way they did when my parents and grand parents were young. If its for you Great, If not Great.

A loving family is all a child needs.

Siemo

Afraid I'm with the OP here. Perhaps it's different if you have made a real commitment to each other to stay together through thick and thin (although if you have why not get married and declare that in public?) but I think a lot of people 'move in' early on in a relationship, even after a month or two sometimes, and after a couple of years have a baby, without really giving much thought as to whether the relationship will last the test of time. I agree that a baby is a more important commitment than marriage, which is why I think marriage should (ideally) come first, to prove that you have the desire at least to make it work in the long term.

Also, when we got married (in church) we did a marriage preparation course that encouraged us to talk through a wide range of scenarios, how we felt about each others families, having kids etc, which was really helpful. The other day there was a post here about whether someone should pay for his GF's iphone when she has a baby - which to me implied that they hadn't even talked about how they would arrange their finances - surely 'his' and 'hers' money doesn't work when you're a family?

Yes there are exceptions to the rule and of course lots of marriages fail and lots of partnerships succeed - but I really do think there is something to be said for making a public commitment to each other and working through what you want for the future together before you embark on parenthood.

jcr16

i was married before my children were born.

i met my hubby at 19. we were married at 20 . our first baby was born when i was 22, second at 23 and our third when i was 26. i love being married.

if i'd fallen preg before we'd got married then so be it. but we didn't plan to. we wanted to get married because it is important to us. what it stands for and all that it means.not for what others wanted us to do. it was what we wanted and how we wanted our relationship to progress. i am sooooo proud of being married. and i feel so honoured that hubby chose me to be his wife, the one to be with forever , the one to be the mother of his children, he wanted me to be a part of his family, take on his family name. i can't explain how in my heart , how amazing that feels.

i don't expect anyone else to understand my feelings. and for me i find it hard to take when someone say's. ' oh it only a bit of paper'. because for me it isn't it is a whole lifestyle.

i get mocked daily, for being so happy. and i get told i live in a bubble , in a dream world, and i think i'm better than everyone else by being in a fairytale and i should snap out of it. well in my mind thats a jealous person speaking but i don't let it get to me anymore. but why should i not enjoy marriage and love live to the full. my life isn't perfect. but you know what i am bloody happy . and i am grateful for all i have , not what i don't have.

i do feel sometimes that i'm the odd one out in society. i'm only 28, yet i'm married( 8 years tomoz ) . i have 3 amazing children. every night we have family homecooked meals at the dining table. i'm a stay at home mummy and hubby works. i sew, cook , clean, teach our children skills and give them loads of love. and i enjoy it.

i do understand alot of marriage fail, and some are alot happier just being boyf/girlf . but i don't think because i'm married i should be made to feel like i'm not allowed to be happy. but equally if you really don't want to married your other half, then as aone as it a choice your happy with it shouldn't matter. even tho i do find it sad. i guess tho i am the type of person who just wants everyone to be happy. and how happy marriageand family life makes me feel i would love it if everyone had the chance to feel like that. as everyone deserves happiness.

waterbaby

rachelh81 wrote: »

Perhaps it's different if you have made a real commitment to each other to stay together through thick and thin (although if you have why not get married and declare that in public?) but I think a lot of people 'move in' early on in a relationship, even after a month or two sometimes, and after a couple of years have a baby, without really giving much thought as to whether the relationship will last the test of time. I agree that a baby is a more important commitment than marriage, which is why I think marriage should (ideally) come first, to prove that you have the desire at least to make it work in the long term.

Also, when we got married (in church) we did a marriage preparation course that encouraged us to talk through a wide range of scenarios, how we felt about each others families, having kids etc, which was really helpful. The other day there was a post here about whether someone should pay for his GF's iphone when she has a baby - which to me implied that they hadn't even talked about how they would arrange their finances - surely 'his' and 'hers' money doesn't work when you're a family?

Yes there are exceptions to the rule and of course lots of marriages fail and lots of partnerships succeed - but I really do think there is something to be said for making a public commitment to each other and working through what you want for the future together before you embark on parenthood.

Hi Rachel,

Each to their own, of course, but three things jump out at me (in bold);

1. People usually do things because there is a reason to, not because there is no reason not to. And I can't understand the need for a public statement.

2. Prove to who? And how does it prove it? (rhetorical questions)

3. I agree with the necessity to do this, but this can be done without the prospect of marriage.

Not an attack.

iamana1ias

swingaloo wrote: »

Children are now growing up thinking that its the norm to have parents who dont live together, maybe for financial reasons and have different surnames.
.

Married people often have different surnames too you know

Baileys_Babe

We are not married, neither of us can see the point.

We have been together 15 years, lived together 13 years, have had children 5 years, which were planned. We are committed to each other, our children as individuals and all of us as a family unit. We intend to spend the rest of our lives together.

My children have my surname and my partner has kept his, with no intention of changing it. My sister is married, she kept her (our) surname & they have also given their children our surname, BIL considered changing his surname to hers when they got married (before children), but in the end stayed with his own.

purplepardalis

Marriage is not important to us. It's not as if you come out with a better relationship than when you went in!! It's a human invention, having babies came first. Our first baby is due in December- getting married won't make us love him/her and each other any more than we do.

MrsTinks

iamana1ias wrote: »

Married people often have different surnames too you know

Yup... I kept my maiden name and *shock horror* the plan is for hubby to eventually get his surname changed to mine... My cousin and her husband took her family name instead of his too...

I think marriage before kids may be the wrong point (although I actually agree with it - it was important to both hubby and me to be married before having kids - baby girl arrived 2 weeks after our 1st wedding anniversary ) - I think the real problem is the amount who have the attitude of "I won't marry him in case it doesn't work out but I'll have his kid". The focus isn't infact the marriage or lack of, but the "in case it doesn't work out"... If you have a child you should at least at the time have the view that this is the person you want to be with forever. No there is no guarantee that it will work and you won't end up splitting in 5 years, but if you start a child in a relationship that you are not certain about I personally think it's far more likely to fail.

I'm a child of divorced parents - my father is currently married to his 5th (yes 5th...) wife. If anyone should have doubts about marriage it should be me. But I wanted to show the world, our friends, family and MOST importantly my husband that in a public declaration of my love I would tie my life to his in marriage.

I made no promise to any god, I made a promise to him, infront of our closest friends and family. It might only be a slip of paper and a change of a few letters infront of my name - but it was the intention behind it that mattered, not the deed itself.

So returning to the "marriage before kids" - is marriage important? Not really in the grand scheme... but having children with the person you would consider as long term as husbands and wives USED to be seen - even if it it's only a temporary illusion - instead of "yeah well... don't wanna marry him unless we're still together in 2-3 years time"... well... then don't have the kid until you think of him as "this is the man I want to be with forever - wedding ring or not"

But that's just my view obviously