What happened to getting married before having children?

Kelinik

jcr16 wrote: »

i do feel sometimes that i'm the odd one out in society. i'm only 28, yet i'm married( 8 years tomoz ) . i have 3 amazing children. every night we have family homecooked meals at the dining table. i'm a stay at home mummy and hubby works. i sew, cook , clean, teach our children skills and give them loads of love. and i enjoy it.

Snap, snap, snap and snap only I'm a year older and have been married 2 years less. Oh and my sewing's not up to much. Happy anniversary for tomorrow.

OP our daughters were flower girls at our wedding. Someone once told me it was 'chavvy' which made me laugh as I got teased at school for being 'posh'! Maybe I'm both.

Obviously we weren't worried about being married before having children. To us the wedding was a celebration of our relationship which is exactly the same now as it was before we were married. Not a popular view on here but we really only did it for the day and waited until we had the money to do it the way we wanted. That didn't involve a church so I can't comment on the religious aspect of marriage but I think it's safe to say that all our children have the same level of security regardless of our marital status at the time of their birth.

jcr16

Kelinik wrote: »

Snap, snap, snap and snap only I'm a year older and have been married 2 years less. Oh and my sewing's not up to much. Happy anniversary for tomorrow.

awww thankyou. well my sewing not that good. my patchwork quilt i'm currently making looks fab from front,but wonky on back,lol. but i try. Nice to meet another member who understand excatly where i;m coming from.

Oldernotwiser

MrsTine wrote: »

Yup... I kept my maiden name and *shock horror* the plan is for hubby to eventually get his surname changed to mine... My cousin and her husband took her family name instead of his too...

I think marriage before kids may be the wrong point (although I actually agree with it - it was important to both hubby and me to be married before having kids - baby girl arrived 2 weeks after our 1st wedding anniversary ) - I think the real problem is the amount who have the attitude of "I won't marry him in case it doesn't work out but I'll have his kid". The focus isn't infact the marriage or lack of, but the "in case it doesn't work out"... If you have a child you should at least at the time have the view that this is the person you want to be with forever. No there is no guarantee that it will work and you won't end up splitting in 5 years, but if you start a child in a relationship that you are not certain about I personally think it's far more likely to fail.

I'm a child of divorced parents - my father is currently married to his 5th (yes 5th...) wife. If anyone should have doubts about marriage it should be me. But I wanted to show the world, our friends, family and MOST importantly my husband that in a public declaration of my love I would tie my life to his in marriage.

I made no promise to any god, I made a promise to him, infront of our closest friends and family. It might only be a slip of paper and a change of a few letters infront of my name - but it was the intention behind it that mattered, not the deed itself.

So returning to the "marriage before kids" - is marriage important? Not really in the grand scheme... but having children with the person you would consider as long term as husbands and wives USED to be seen - even if it it's only a temporary illusion - instead of "yeah well... don't wanna marry him unless we're still together in 2-3 years time"... well... then don't have the kid until you think of him as "this is the man I want to be with forever - wedding ring or not"

But that's just my view obviously

Brilliant post!
:T:T:T:T:T:T:T:T:T

flaire

We lived together for five years before we got married. He asked me to marry him at Christmas three years ago. Well, when I say asked me to marry him, what he actually said 'I want to annoy you for the rest of my life.' How could I resist?

At the time, I thought getting married was a lovely romantic gesture - but nothing too serious. There was no religious, moral or social reason for us to get married.

I quickly came to realise that it is important. I always thought we were a very close couple, but marriage added another invisable bond, binding us closer.

We both hope that children will come in time. But if they don't, I'll be happy growing old with him - the man who kisses my neck when I'm doing to washing up and whispers 'wife' in my ear.

CRANKY40

redstararnie76 wrote: »

Another reason why people used to get married, is that there were more financial benefits to getting married - tax allowances etc. As far as I'm aware, there is now no financial benefit to being married, so it tends to be considered on its own merits now!

Wrong. See what happens if one of you dies and you're not married. I was married to the father of my child. He died unexpectedly last year. I get a pension from his employers, and so does our son. I also receive widowed parents allowance until our son finishes his education.

I know someone else in the same position as me. She was not married to the father of her child. She gets nothing. Not a bean....

Kelinik

jcr16 wrote: »

Nice to meet another member who understand excatly where i;m coming from.

I certainly do, I had a 'moment' yesterday evening when I was pottering in the kitchen with bubs in his sling watching the girls pick green beans and raspberries in the garden just as Hubby came in from work and dived straight into the loaf of bread cooling on the side. Sorry if this sounds vomit inducing to everyone else but I just thought 'this is all I've ever wanted'. Goodness knows we've been through the mill to get here but I'm a very happy bunny at the moment.

bylromarha

Stats are that children born into a marriage are more likely to live at home with both parents until 18 than those children born into relationships where parents aren't married.

And no, I don't have a website ref, it's from a book!

starnight_2

I actually don't see it that often. Out of all my friends there are only 3 singles parents, by no choice of their own, me included in there. The rest of my friends are married, either with children or waiting for a few years. I'm 28, and never thought I would have a child before being marreid, maybe that's just me though.

XD

red_devil

i got married when i was pregnant it didnt work out though. We divorced 3 years later.

I have been with my current partner 17 years very happy no kids and not planning either. I have his name.

Pee

I am trying for a child in a serious and commited relationship and I do not want that relationship to be controlled by parties outside i.e. the government. I have no intention of getting married and neither do I have any intention of separating from my boyfriend, admittedly that could still happen.

On the other hand I know a lot of women who do want to get married and they seem to have children beforehand too, which takes a bit more understanding.