What happened to getting married before having children?

Allegra

Oldernotwiser wrote: »

And why have gay people campaigned so hard for the right have civil partnerships/marriages if it is so unimportant?

Legal protection, of course ! :T

Allegra

Spender wrote: »

I fear these days its all about which benefits they would lose out on if they suddenly decided to get married, because they would have to declare they were living together then.

More rollocks, I'm afraid If you live together, you live together, and can not claim any single-person benefits, regardless of whether you are married or not !

Schwade

Allegra, sorry have to disagree. Even if one views a marriage as a merely contract, if I was really committed, I would want the contract in writing, just like another other contract. I wouldn't rely on a verbal "contract" to show commitment. Therefore, marriage is a commitment and hence some people (i.e. not all) can't face the final hurdle of marriage because they also know it is a big commitment.
As for people dissolving their contract, they shouldn't have written the contract in the first place given how easy it is just to have a verbal one.

BudgetBlonde

movilogo wrote: »

I wish people got married first before having the kids.

People who don't bother to get married first, want to avoid responsibility.

Irresponsible people seldom become good parents.

There may be exceptions but so is for any rule.

Absolute rubbish!

My bff was married for 8 years before they decided to have kids. Less than 6 months after the baby was born, the other party decided they didn't want the commitment and off they went.

By the way, I'm having my first baby in 8 weeks time and I'm not married :eek: My partner and I are totally committed to each other, we both work full time, we don't claim benefits, I am confident we will make excellent parents!

ManOnTheMoon

Never been married and own my own house, last day of my stay at home job tomorrow (only because i've sold some land that means I can spend some time out and start thinking about my own business in a couple of years time as well as spend time with family) so no benefits, and seven girls who i'm extremely proud of and are extremely clever and pleasant young girls. Yes, their mothers walked out, but I know numerous kids who's parents have split up from marriages.

Makes no difference whether someone is married or not as to how things turn out. It's 2010. Life is full of many variables and i'm glad their are a number of people here who are broadminded enough to realise that.

The other way to look at it, is marriage can be considered by some that marry, ownership of the other person. I've seen that many times.

Allegra

Schwade wrote: »

Therefore, marriage is a commitment and hence some people (i.e. not all) can't face the final hurdle of marriage because they also know it is a big commitment.

Actually, I do agree - I have no doubt that some people do see it that way

Schwade

Allegra wrote: »

Actually, I do agree - I have no doubt that some people do see it that way

So, my opinion, if one was willing to commit to the OH for the rest of his/her life, I would put that in writing. I do that with buying a house/car/etc and the OH is even more important than that.

But as other posters say, marriage seems to mean lots of different things for other people (I don't know why) hopefully the OH thinks the same way I usually do - i.e. its a declaration and a commitment for the rest of his/her life.

If you can't take that, don't get married. Keep a "get out of jail free" card. Not saying marriage is a jail though!

BudgetBlonde

Spender wrote: »

But its easier to say you live apart.

No it isn't. The options are married, single, living together, separated, divorced, widowed. Yes, it's easy to lie on a form and say "single" rather than "living together" but it's just as easy to lie and say "separated" rather than "married".
We're not married but OH is on the electoral roll at my house, and we pay council tax for him living here. If we lied, he'd have to register elsewhere whether we were married or not.

BudgetBlonde

Spender wrote: »

Sadly not everyones as honest as you though.:)

True, but surely that applies whether you're married or not, or have children or not.

So, are we really discussing why people choose not to get married before they have children, or why people choose to cheat the system?
Unmarried does not equal dishonest.

**confuzzled**

I'm married and also expecting our 1st child and tbh I cannot give you a reason why we chose to do it this way around!! And trust me I've given it plenty of thought

I'd like to say it's because my DH and I have parents who are still lucky enough to be together(& happy) and both sets of parents have been married 35+years and it's because of our solid foundations BUT how does that explain my sister & her fella(who also has parents married for 35+yrs!) who chose to have kids before marriage???

After my sisters example I knew it wasn't expected of us to be married before kids so that rules that out!:)

Then I'd like to say it's because I wanted the commitment 1st, but in my heart of hearts I know we've been committed to each other since the day we moved in together so I can't really use that either:D

Sooo after a lot of thinking my conclusion is that.....................In reality I'm a bit shallow:o:p:rotfl: and always wanted the big white wedding and knew this wouldn't be possible if we had a family first:) Yes I like the fact we got married 1st but the reasons behind getting married 1st probably not so much:o I'm just lucky I have a hubby who loves me enough to spoil me rotten and indulge my wants when he can:D(and vice versa of course!;))

My overall opinion of getting married 1st is...so long as your happy in your relationship the way things are who gives a stuff if kids or marriage comes first??? Nothing to do with relationships has a cast iron guarantee. Some unmarried couples stay together for 50+ years and some marriages only last a few months....the only difference I can see is the amount of paperwork you have to fill in in the sad event that a long-term couple part ways.

Thats my 2 penneth anyway...sorry it turned into a long one:o:)