What happened to getting married before having children?

thesim

My parents arent married, never have been married to each other.

My dad got married before he met my mum, apparently the women was awful- I've met her son once and judging by the way he turned out and stuff he was telling me I can see why my dad never remarried.

He's not named on my birth certificate either.

HOWEVER,

My dad has gone above and beyond what alot of married couples have. My mum is permantly ill as a result of 3 stroke. He didnt have to stay- they were planning on splitting shortly before this happened, but he stayed. He gave up his job, his dreams so that I could continue my education and he became a f/t carer for her.

These day so many people rush into marriage, I know someone who is getting married in August and they have been together about a year and a half, he proposed when she announced she was pregnant. Who know's, maybe its love and they will be together forever, but I watched my cousin do the same thing and they broke up about 4 months after the wedding.

NoAngel

Oldernotwiser wrote: »

Weddings are as cheap or as expensive as you want them to be. Which is more important - being married or having a big party and a fancy dress?

Well, actually, it's a lack of proposal that's my main problem... :rotfl:I'm not too bothered about a huge wedding, I just want the important people in my life there. The problem is that OH hasn't yet asked me

Lotus-eater

I have two kids and I'm not married, I'm going to Conservative party judgemental HELL


If I don't need to get married to make myself or my OH feel better, but only so we're not looked down on by busybody people who feel they just must comment on someone else's life. Is that a reason to get married? Mmmm

polegirl23

I guess everyone has their personal opinion on this and everyone is entitled to that. I would have hated to have children before I was married, the same way as I wanted to buy a house with my husband before we were married. In my eyes, that's the order that I wanted to do things - rent together for a bit, buy a house, get married, have children. It's just my opinion but it's what me and my husband wanted so it's the way we have done it. If I had had a surprise pregnancy early on in our relationship, we would have had a quicky wedding, that's just how I feel about it and my now husband knew that from when he started dating me!!

xx

Allegra

NoAngel wrote: »

Well, actually, it's a lack of proposal that's my main problem... :rotfl:I'm not too bothered about a huge wedding, I just want the important people in my life there. The problem is that OH hasn't yet asked me

Does he know that you'd like to be asked ? People sometimes need things spelling out - it genuinely might not have occured to him that you are waiting

NoAngel

Allegra wrote: »

Does he know that you'd like to be asked ? People sometimes need things spelling out - it genuinely might not have occured to him that you are waiting

Yes he knows! Definately. I hinted for a while, and eventually spelt it out. So did his Mum, his Nan, my Mum... Think he's not quite 'there' yet... Not to worry, I'm sure I can hang on a little longer! Gives me plenty of time to save for an amazing dress though..

POPPYOSCAR

NoAngel wrote: »

Yes he knows! Definately. I hinted for a while, and eventually spelt it out. So did his Mum, his Nan, my Mum... Think he's not quite 'there' yet... Not to worry, I'm sure I can hang on a little longer! Gives me plenty of time to save for an amazing dress though..

Take him to Vegas - he might get the hint then!!!!!!

Nefertare

tbh my decision not to marry was based purely on three factors:

1) I didn't want a wedding...i'm one of a few girls I know who don't crave a big wedding day.
2) I'm atheist so the religious aspect is irrelevant
3) No one can explain to me why I should.

I'm 27, I have been with my partner 9 years now and we have an 8 month old daughter (planned!). We don't own a house yet as I decided that the important things to me in life were owning (and decorating) a house and having a child with my partner. As having a child is better done younger (I mean medically here, less chance of problems etc...) and having grown up with young parents (four children before they were 30) I knew I didn't want to be 50 and still have a child in secondary school! So the child came first.

This was all planned and decided a few years ago. We've spoken about children since we got together at university so we both knew we wanted them and with each other. So we did.

We both have happily married parents. I grew up in a big Irish catholic extended family, his is a big English protestant/atheist family. As both of us are informed atheists (we have studied and questioned the subject rather than just dismissed it) we feel no obligation to go through any religious ceremonies and as we have no property as yet and are protected by legal documents we feel no need to be married in the eyes of the law. So why would we? People can say it can be as cheap as you want - but there are family commitments to take into account, if someone got married in my family without inviting at least the aunts and uncles (15 on my side alone) there would be uproar - having watched the stress caused when my two brothers planned their weddings I'm happy to avoid it! so even a cheap wedding will be a considerable expense. And as we want a house, a car that works and to enjoy days out with our daughter i'd say it would be more irresponsible of us to pay out even the minimum £300 odd for the registry alone.

For the last 5 yrs we have had to deal with my family going over and over the wedding issue and now we've started it all again with stating there will be no baptism (which resulted in my Nan giving my daughter an emergency baptism with lourdes holy water - hilarious! if a little disrespectful of our views). We've dealt with every possible arguement for marriage and yet I'm still suprised at the attitude of the Dave poster who states that we effectively saying 'i love you but not enough' - not enough for what? Not even my seriously religious family have ever implied that we don't love each other as much as they love their partners. I love him enough to have a child with him, to trust him to care for her (I work full time) and to stay with me through thick and thin and not to cheat or hurt me...that's no less than a married couple. I appreciate that some people have religious views that make marriage more important than merely a legal contract. But please don't imply I'm less of a person because I don't share that view. I am an awesome parent and partner and so is he. Marriage won't change anything for us and we do not see how a piece of paper will enahnce the relationship. We would not have had a child if there was any doubt in our minds that we would split up - I would assume most people who marry are the same, you'd never do anything at that level of commitment if you weren't 100% sure it would last forever would you? To us the commitment was in place yrs ago and the child was born only after we were sure we wanted to spend the rest of our lives together. it was not a 'i want a child now' or an accident situation. Please assume that quite a few people out there are the same as us - commited in their own way and ready for children.

oh and she has a double barrelled surname, not a chance would I ever give up my name even if I was married and I'm not being written our of hers just cause tradition dictates it so. She can choose a single surname for her 16th birthday (as I know she'll choose mine - it's better!:rotfl:) or indeed she can make one up for all I care. I wanted to give her the surname Pendragon...my partner veto'd it...boooo

INT1

The surname point is interesting.
My son took my name, My partner will take my name when she is married and has even said that if we split up, she would still keep my name!

TUS

Me and my partner have had 2 children together and are not yet married or engaged. The kids have my surname and my partner has her maiden name. I know one of the reasons she'd want to marry would be to take my surname.

Marriage has no religious meaning to us. There is no expectation in either side of our family to do it (they are all very liberal) and we have just never felt it was necessary. We had children together because we were certain we wanted the other person to be parents of our children. I honestly could never imagine having a child with anyone else (incidentally I won't as I'm having the snip soon).

The way things have worked out, having children has made me feel even MORE in love with her than before. I mean, I was sure I was in love with her to the extent that I made a decision to have 2 children (both planned). But since then the feeling has changed. It's very hard to explain. It just feels even stronger. I'm planning to propose soon, but we still won't be in a hurry to actually tie the knot as it doesn't change our relationship at all.

I sound contradictory and I know that. I just can't think a way of explaining myself properly. haha :-)