What happened to getting married before having children?

System

Personally my parents marraige was the nearer cause of my mental health problems. Them splitting up was the best thing that could have happened to me.

coco1980

xXMessedUpXx wrote: »

Personally my parents marraige was the nearer cause of my mental health problems. Them splitting up was the best thing that could have happened to me.

also remember thinking how much happier my parents would be if they split up, as a result we had 2 parents unhappy in marriage until we were adults

Nixer

I've not read all the posts so it may well have been said, especially as it is the bleedin' obvious, but people have been having children long before marriage was even thought of.

Marriage and having kids are two separate issues to me and always have been - I may well do the latter and am unlikely to do the former. Marriage and commitment are also two separate issues to me - some people believe marriage = commitment and not marriage = no commitment but that's a bit prescriptive for my liking. As is people trying to tell others how to live their lives - it really doesn't matter.

Oldernotwiser

POPPYOSCAR wrote: »

I can only speak from my own personal experiences and I have not found amongst my social circle any advantages to the married families than those that are not.

That shows how important proper research is compared to anecdotal personal experience.

Oldernotwiser

Mojisola wrote: »

I know of an unmarried couple who had been together for many years but, on his death, his blood relations arrived, refused to let her have anything to do with arranging the funeral and, under intestate rules, inherited everything that was in his name.

I knew someone whose partner hadn't bothered to get divorced who wasn't allowed to attend his funeral!

Almo

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/uknews/7923172/One-in-five-newlyweds-regret-marriage-within-first-year.html

As I've said before, I think neither cohabiting nor marriage are intrinsically better than the other. I think social pressure to do one or the other is dangerous though.

Siemo

coco1980 wrote: »

I think this i the biggest load of rubbish I have read in a long time, and going by it then I will have to prepare for my son being an underachieving alcoholic drug addicted delinquent !!!!!!!
and hes only 10 years old,

if this is what we tell children of unmarried couples then what kind of start are we giving them, i encourage my child to be the best that he can, he has been told the dangers of drugs and drink and I actually had a lady in a shop last week approach me and tell me how polite and well mannered my ds was, she is the 2nd person to do this in the lat month

Nobody is trying to say that your child will end up a delinquent, evidence like this can only be based on general national trends, not individual circumstances. However good/bad individual relationships/marriages are, there has been a lot of evidence over the years that shows children of married parents are on average better off than children of unmarried parents. This is evidence based on statistics so of course it cannot be used to comment on your personal household.

Just because someone's parents had a bad marriage doesn't make marriage in general a bad institution, in the same way that if a parent has a good marriage it doesn't follow that their children will automatically have a happy marriage. We all have stories to tell of people who disprove the evidence but that doesn't make the evidence wrong - it is based on statistics collected over time, from every household in the country, not anecdotes.

Mupette

I got married first, DS came along 5 years later, the marriage didn't work and when DS was 4, i went for a divorce.

My parents or rather my father is quite old fashioned but is learning that the world is not like that any more.

He grumbles about all my cousins had children first then got married, and quite a lot of my friends did,

I didn't think i could have children so it was quite a surprise to find out i was expecting DS.

Nowadays i think it's important to see what is best for the children, what may work for one family might not work for others.

I wouldn't of wanted to stay in my violent marriage just for the sake of DS, it would of caused more harm than good.

where as some will say, oh you must stay married for your child. I feel in my case it was not safe to do so.

with an increase of teens barely out of nappies themselves having children that is where the worry is.

Fang_3

Oldernotwiser wrote: »

That shows how important proper research is compared to anecdotal personal experience.

Proper, relevant research, surely?

Schwade

If you are not married but you and OH are together and are committed for the rest of your lives, that's fine if that's what you like to do but then you are "quasi"-married anyways and so you might as well formalise the process.

But if you are married and think marriage doesn't mean commitment, then I think that is a scary thought. Hope my OH doesn't think like this.