What happened to getting married before having children?

jackieglasgow

Dave, did you fall asleep in your time maching in 1910 and wake up here? What a terrible prejudiced man you sound! Your wife's won a watch!

(and PS I was married first, too, it was important personally to me, but I would never dare judge anyone who had their children first. tut.)

brians_daughter

Urm, i just had to respond to this post...

Dave101t wrote: »

my reasoning is along the lines of: you dont want the commitment? but you are having a kid?
we have the committment with 10 plus years behind us, 3 kids a home etc

you love your partner? buy you dont want to marry them!
Urm, yep you have that one right - we dont 'see the point' both our sets of parents are VERY religious, (opposing religions too) and we dont feel getting married will strengthen us, but it will cause rifts within the family - so IOO it just isnt worth the hassle, stress and everything else when we are just so happy blissfully anyway!!

these people are obviously thinking of themselves only and not the family unit which bodes really well for the future. unmarried parents must be thinking its easier to keep their own things in the event on an impending split? Not at all, we have all the right things in place via solicitors to ensure we are treated as we wish to ie next of kin to each other etc

maybe they do love eachother dearly and dont think they need a piece of paper? they dont need others 'approval'? well thats fine too but they are only one level up on my my list of 'undesirables' from benefit cheats because they are also cheating themselves.
lol is all i can say to this one! it doesnt ever warrant a response IMO!

yes this sounds very very snobby (sorry!) but i work full time, im married (8 months), no kids yet and tho marriage doesnt 'change' things per se, it is an institution, i dont mean religously), it demonstrates to you, and your partner you have made a life long promise and anything less than marriage smacks of 'yes i love you dear, but not enough'.
I would love to tell you our story of how we got together, the illnesses we have faced together - i was brought back by the docs 3 times and endured 12 months rehab where i could do almost nothing for myself - it fell to my oh to do it... so if you think he loves me but not quite enough then please tell me how else he can show he is more committed than feeding me, bathing me, getting me in and out of bed, getting me to and from the loo, loving me, encouraging me, supporting me and never giving up on me even when i told him to do so.. i would not be here today without the love, support and devotion of my oh - FACT - and for you to belittle unmarried families is simply short sighted.

and the lesson to the kids: well if you are happy bringing them up in a mixed up world where anything goes, married, unmarried, on-again off-again mother/father, gay civil married parents etc then imagine what their lifestyle choices will include being born into that!
Yes, i am, i am more than happy- infact i am proud- to have the opportuntity to bring my children up in a country where people have choices and are not chastised for being who they are and being who they want to be.. I feel shocked and sick at this comment - it almost sounds like you do not agree that same sex partnerships should be allowed?? I agree that the on/off mum and dad isnt good for a child but i cannot see how bringing a child up in a country where gay/civil partnerships are allowed,and welcomed by most is detremental to a childs upbringing?

There are certian countries in the world that would welcome your short sightedness with open arms!

Schwade

Whether the couple turns out ok or not has no relevance on marriage BUT I think marriage is very important. Marriage is a declaration to the world that you are making a commitment to the OH for the rest of your life. You are telling everyone you are off limits and you are forever with the OH. That's commitment. So I think you should get married before having a kid. My opinion.

INT1

How would you tell your other partner that you are not bothered about marriage when the other person really wants it to happen?

ManOnTheMoon

POPPYOSCAR wrote: »

I quite agree with you.

If people want to be married that is a personal choice for them and I do not denounce them for it, but I find the stance of some married people very bigoted.

The most important two words of any post, in bold.

brians_daughter

INT1 wrote: »

How would you tell your other partner that you are not bothered about marriage when the other person really wants it to happen?

And here is where the waters get muddied!

Although marriage is unimportant to us if my oh turned around and said he had re-thought the whole marriage thing and now wanted to get married because of x y or z the answer is simple - i would marry him - but i will do anything (within reason) to ensure he is happy and secure.

We have the same views (ATM and have done for over a decade, but i am not foolish enough to assume that one day one of us may change our viewpoint) We also have the understanding that we want the other to be happy so we would do anything to ensure that happiness continued. The problem lies when 1 1/2 of the relationships wants mariage and the other doesnt - i can see how this could cause resentment and insecurities.

movilogo

I wish people got married first before having the kids.

People who don't bother to get married first, want to avoid responsibility.

Irresponsible people seldom become good parents.

There may be exceptions but so is for any rule.

Oldernotwiser

NoAngel wrote: »

It seems that getting married is SOO expensive. I'd love to do it next year, but would never have the money! I'm guessing weddings are more expensive than they used to be?!

Weddings are as cheap or as expensive as you want them to be. Which is more important - being married or having a big party and a fancy dress?

Oldernotwiser

margaretclare wrote: »

A question: if marriage is so irrelevant, if it's 'only a piece of paper' and a very expensive ceremony that can be dispensed with, why should anyone marry once the possibility of children is no longer there? !

And why have gay people campaigned so hard for the right have civil partnerships/marriages if it is so unimportant?

Allegra

movilogo wrote: »

I
People who don't bother to get married first, want to avoid responsibility.

Rollocks

Marriage does not equal commitment. Equally, the choice not to marry does not signify the lack of it.

Schwade wrote:
Marriage is a declaration to the world that you are making a commitment to the OH for the rest of your life. You are telling everyone you are off limits and you are forever with the OH. That's commitment.

And I'm afraid I disagree - rather vehemently, should the occasion require - with this. Marriage nowadays is no more than a legal contract, and a fairly easily dissolved one at that. Of course, you are free to add to this legal contract any personal meaning you choose, and good luck with it, but that is, as the poster said, your personal choice. You also have the choice to add this meaning to any relationship lacking this official seal, and no one has any right to tell you that this meaning is invalid because the legal contract has not been signed. The legality and the emotional commitment of a relationship are two different things. Even my limited experience of heterosexual relationships (two to date, and no plans to increase the count ) shows this - I had a legally approved one with no commitment whatsoever from the other party, and one without legal approval, but commitment in heaps. I know which one I prefer !

Now, just going back a few pages of this discussion, you can see that for a lot of people any suggestion of unequal roles within a relationship is something that is definitely beyond the pale. It is not surprising - equality, which we now take for granted (and which gives us the luxury of personal choice in many areas, including whether or not to sign that legal seal on our relationships) is such a recent addition to our society that it must be very difficult to differentiate between the equality of people and equality of their roles. It's an emotionally charged field, and frankly, as a female of the species, I'd far rather have the equality whether I like it or not approach than the one that leaves me without any rights or protection.

But marriage.... See, marriage has always been a legal contract. I appreciate that religious people have a different view of this legality - in the eyes of God rather than in the eyes of man - but as I am not religious, I can not pretend to understand this fully, which is why I will have to leave that aspect of it alone - but regardless of the religious aspect of this, marriage, traditionally, has been a property transaction. Specifically, transfer of a woman from her father's ownership to the ownership of her father.

So if any suggestion, any sniff of inequality within a relationship is enough to call for arms... Then it's hardly surprising that so many people choose not to be associated with a concept that, despite all the reform, will always, for them, be associated with a seriously tainted concept.

So perhaps what happened to getting married before having children is that some parents-to-be have chosen to bring their children up away from the shackles of distant and unenlightened past. Stranger things have been known to happen...