What happened to getting married before having children?

indebtinsussex

we had our son out of wedlock, but that was because he was a surprise, otherwise we would have been married before having children. we did discuss getting married when I was pregnant but decided to wait until he was here because I was very ill through the pregnancy and we wanted him to be part of the celebration. so we waited until son was 18 months before getting married.

I think that its peoples personal choice to whether they get married before children or not, for us we wanted to as we both believe in marriage (had a catholic wedding and the priest was fantastic), but I dont believe its made any difference to us as a couple at all apart from having more towels that match now

Oldernotwiser

woody01 wrote: »

Its no issue at all, and neither of us are more or less inclined to marry than the other.
Quite presumptuious of you to be honest.

We actuall want everything in place before we do it, rather than fight for it afterwards.
Mortgage finished - 5 bed house. Only 4.5 years left to pay.
Daughters to top schools - Eldest has been accepted
To have a substantial amount of savings so we can both retire on or before we are 50.

Once we have done these things, which we nearly have complete, we are going to get married.

And yes, i have a will that is water tight, as does the ole lady :P

Like i told you before, our lives are actually better than most people that got married and then struggled for years.
This cannot be denied.

Although I believe in having children after marriage myself, I can appreciate the POV of people who genuinely don't believe in it. However, to want all the material trappings listed above and THEN get married - I really can't see the point.

sharnad

livalot wrote: »

Sorry if this offends but this is just my opinion. Can I just ask why when you do anything really serious/important you always need "a piece of paper", buying a house, getting a loan, a work contract, even getting a new credit card etc. But you do not need anything to produce a child. We have gone too far the other way, too many people are producing children knowing that their relationship will not really last. Its sad for the children.

When I hear that people are living together it tells me a few things

!) you do not consider the other person important enough to get that piece of paper
2) you cant be bothered because you do not expect it to last and/or do not want the hassle when you break up
3) the children in these situations will know that they are the result of a yet another relationship where the parents can just walk out whenever they have one too many rows.

I met a woman last week who has 4 children, 3 of whom have different Dads. She told me that the man she is now with (and pregnant by) is the "one" but will not live with him or marry him because her life is complicated enough?????? She is doing a brilliant job raising her children, but even she admitted that her children are suffering because they do not see their Dads often enough. Would marriage have helped her? It may have slowed her down a bit, it may have made her think a little before producing yet another child, it might have made the latest man stick around a little longer and not just enough time to dump his sperm and run.

I got married because I wanted my partner to know that he was so important to me that I was ready to make that commitment to him and wanted to be together for a very very long time.I wanted to show him I was ready to do everything possible to make our relationship work. I really did not care about the party or the dress. We have had our problems but 12 years on and two children later we are still very happy together.

I do not want to go back to medieval times, marriage is not for everybody but I believe we have gone too far the other way. We have too many relationships breaking up where children are involved. Maybe we have all got too selfish, its just too easy to have children whenever and its too easy to move onto another relationship and have more children when we feel like it. We are setting our children a horrendous example.

Do you mean it tell you

!) you do not consider the piece of paper important enough
2) you cant be bothered because you are secure in your relationship and do not need a piece of paper to prove it
3) the children in these situations will know that they are the result of aloveing relationship

kindofagilr

Torry_Quine wrote: »

It doesn't have to cost a fortune to have a big white wedding though and certainly not more than buying a house or having a child.

It's your decision but don't use lack of money as an excuse.

for the wedding we want and the honeymoon we want its going to be roughly be about 12k so I am not using it as an excuse, we are saving for it and we will get married

kindofagilr

Oldernotwiser wrote: »

Marriage is not about a fancy dress and a party!

For gods sake when did I say it was? excuse me for wanting to celebrate my love the way we want to.

threemuttleys

well, I guess this thread kinda includes me!

I live with my oh, we are not married. Been together for 4 and a bit years, completely commited and work very hard at our relationship.

We were planning on getting married next year, but as these things happen, wedding has been put on hold, as I am expecting our first child. Not the way we had things planned, but thinking about it, im 27, he is 37. Neither of us want to be "old" first time parents, and my fertility was in doubt (baby wasnt planned btw..hadnt had a period for a year before!)

We will be getting married, 2012..later than planned and not in the order that certain members of his family would like, but hey ho...thats life. Im not going to go and abort a healthy baby, a baby from the man I love and plan to spend the remainder of my life with, for the sake of a piece of paper and a dress. Neither do I want to hot step to the registry office and get married in my jeans!

I do kind of believe in marriage, I look at the OH's parents and sisters marriages and think, thats what I want...but I look at my parents (divorced) and various members of my side of the family (divorced) who cant even be civil to one another...and i would hate for OH and I to be like that toward one another.

Marriage is not always perfect, and divorces do happen.

As my dear nan puts it, it matters not that the parents are married, same colour or believe in the same god. What matters, is that the child will be a part of a caring, loving couple, who will do all they can to keep that child safe. All he really needs is to be safe, warm, fed, and loved.
My nan, never knew her Dad her mum was "one of those". Her mum wanted to abort (wasnt married) but Nan's grandmother wouldnt allow it, and bought up Nan herself. I have never met a stronger, more beautiful person than her...married parents or not!

treetrunks

our situation, we wanted children, we wanted to get married and we wanted to buy a family home. Couldnt afford to do all of it as we wanted a nice wedding and celebration. Bought a 3 bedroom home and would have preferred to get married but knew we couldnt afford have the day we wanted and didnt want to wait another 2/3 year to become parents. Son is now six months old and were saving for our wedding, hopefully next year or the year after. I would prefer us all to have the same name but wouldnt want to give up my home, my son or the special day we are planning for that privelage.

Morgan_Ree

Me and my boyfriend have been together for just over 5 years and we've got 1 child together. Reason we didn't get married before having our son was that 1) he was a lovely suprise (I got pregnant after us only being together for 3 months) and 2) at the time marriage was the last thing on our minds. We were young and suddenly we had a baby to cope with.
Marriage wouldn't have made bringing up our child any easier so we didn't see a point to it.

We are of course going to get married one day because we are still loved up and naive enough to think we're going to be together forever

But I certainly don't/didn't feel pressured to do it just because we have a child.

woody01

Some people seem to think that marriage is a like waving a magic wand and everything falls into place. Sorry...but that is so wrong.

1. It doesn't mean you are more committed.
2. It doesn't make children more secure or loved
3. It doesn't mean you love each other more
4. It doesn't mean you will be together forever
5. It doesn't mean you will have less problems than an unmarried couple

People who think all of this above is wrong are kidding themsleves.

And yes....i speak from experience.

maggied_2

Apologies for linking to the Daily Mail but there are statistics to show that married couples ARE more likely to stay together http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1252068/Married-parents-provide-stable-family-background-couples-living-together.html

However - I think it is more about intent. Me and OH are trying to get pregnant at the moment (no success so far but all the practising is great!) but we aren't married. I've been married before and he has a DD from a previous relationship. I don't think getting married OR having children keeps you together. I think it's the intention of staying together that makes a difference.

A friend of mine has just found out she's pregnant with her second child to a bloke she's been with for less than a year - and if they're still together in 2 years I'll be very, very surprised. She didn't know taking antibiotics could affect your pill (seriously....she's a 32 year old mother of 1!!) So it's likely that there'll then be 2 children to 2 different men both estranged from their fathers - that's depressing.

The research does point to the fact that children do better in a secure family unit - fairly straightforward - so I do think that people should wait until they are in a stable relationship to have children.