What happened to getting married before having children?

pinknfluffy0

Exactly, having a child is very hard on a relationship and if you hardly know each other the chances of making it work go down and in the end the child suffers.

pigpen

So do you abort a perfectly healthy baby on the off chance the relationship doesn't work out?

What is the 'time limit'? a year? 2? 10? 25?

and living together first might not be an option.. plus then you get narrow minded people saying yo shouldn't live together.. and how soon do you start living together? .. So you put off having a child for how long.. the 2/5/100 years you have to be 'going out' plus the 2/5/100 years of living in sin before it is socially acceptable to let the world know have had sex? .. so you wait X number of years before having a child and then what? do you love it less? Does it mean less?

I was with my XH 20 years and he bugled off with a woman from salsa class.. see that coming? I didn't..

there is never a guarantee of forever and I am willing to take my chance on this one being it... and I am just glad we don't HAVE to stay in an unhappy relationship which is FAR more damaging to children than parents separating.

pinknfluffy0

pigpen wrote: »

So do you abort a perfectly healthy baby on the off chance the relationship doesn't work out?

What is the 'time limit'? a year? 2? 10? 25?

and living together first might not be an option.. plus then you get narrow minded people saying yo shouldn't live together.. and how soon do you start living together? .. So you put off having a child for how long.. the 2/5/100 years you have to be 'going out' plus the 2/5/100 years of living in sin before it is socially acceptable to let the world know have had sex? .. so you wait X number of years before having a child and then what? do you love it less? Does it mean less?

I was with my XH 20 years and he bugled off with a woman from salsa class.. see that coming? I didn't..

there is never a guarantee of forever and I am willing to take my chance on this one being it... and I am just glad we don't HAVE to stay in an unhappy relationship which is FAR more damaging to children than parents separating.

Your right there is no guarantee but there is a stronger chance of it working if you know the person you are going to co parent with.

I am all for aborting babies if the time is wrong.

Bitsy_Beans

pigpen wrote: »

So do you abort a perfectly healthy baby on the off chance the relationship doesn't work out?

What is the 'time limit'? a year? 2? 10? 25?

and living together first might not be an option.. plus then you get narrow minded people saying yo shouldn't live together.. and how soon do you start living together? .. So you put off having a child for how long.. the 2/5/100 years you have to be 'going out' plus the 2/5/100 years of living in sin before it is socially acceptable to let the world know have had sex? .. so you wait X number of years before having a child and then what? do you love it less? Does it mean less?

I was with my XH 20 years and he bugled off with a woman from salsa class.. see that coming? I didn't..

there is never a guarantee of forever and I am willing to take my chance on this one being it... and I am just glad we don't HAVE to stay in an unhappy relationship which is FAR more damaging to children than parents separating.

I don't think anyone is advocating aborting babies on this basis??


Personally I got married before having kids which was my choice, we had the wedding and honeymoon that we wanted (yep Disneyland without kids in tow was FAB ). Personally I don't care which way you do it as long as it's what you want.

brians_daughter

pigpen wrote: »

So do you abort a perfectly healthy baby on the off chance the relationship doesn't work out?

What is the 'time limit'? a year? 2? 10? 25?

and living together first might not be an option.. plus then you get narrow minded people saying yo shouldn't live together.. and how soon do you start living together? .. So you put off having a child for how long.. the 2/5/100 years you have to be 'going out' plus the 2/5/100 years of living in sin before it is socially acceptable to let the world know have had sex? .. so you wait X number of years before having a child and then what? do you love it less? Does it mean less?

I was with my XH 20 years and he bugled off with a woman from salsa class.. see that coming? I didn't..

there is never a guarantee of forever and I am willing to take my chance on this one being it... and I am just glad we don't HAVE to stay in an unhappy relationship which is FAR more damaging to children than parents separating.

I think we are talking 'ideals' here arent we (not your post, but in general. The ideal time to have babies and get/not get married is surely when you know your partners ideals, morals and are confident that you will make good parents and life partners. No one knows whats around the corner for any of us,and any man or woman who says that their partner will/would never cheat on them is a foolish individual!

pigpen

pinknfluffy0 wrote: »

Your right there is no guarantee but there is a stronger chance of it working if you know the person you are going to co parent with.

I am all for aborting babies if the time is wrong.

there is a difference between the time being wrong and it not being wanted or having parents who do not have a long term relationship

Bitsy_Beans wrote: »

I don't think anyone is advocating aborting babies on this basis??

Personally I got married before having kids which was my choice, we had the wedding and honeymoon that we wanted (yep Disneyland without kids in tow was FAB ). Personally I don't care which way you do it as long as it's what you want.

It is starting to sound that way.. so you get a surprise 3-4 months into a relationship...

I don't care either way what anyone does either.. but I am very glad the 'shotgun wedding' is no longer enforced!! Mind you my OH's mum would have forced us to marry if she could.. apparently this is the first illegitimate child in the family.. I think they are just too up themselves sometimes. OH has no intention of marrying anyone ever.. fine by me!

brians_daughter wrote: »

I think we are talking 'ideals' here arent we (not your post, but in general. The ideal time to have babies and get/not get married is surely when you know your partners ideals, morals and are confident that you will make good parents and life partners. No one knows whats around the corner for any of us,and any man or woman who says that their partner will/would never cheat on them is a foolish individual!

There is NEVER an ideal time.. this one couldn't have been worse timing.. in the middle of a divorce, 7 months into a new relationship, 4 months into the first year at uni, OH redundant so we are skint.. but it will be loved by both of us and get a good education and be secure and safe and spoiled no doubt.. that is all it needs.

brians_daughter

pigpen wrote: »

There is NEVER an ideal time.. this one couldn't have been worse timing.. in the middle of a divorce, 7 months into a new relationship, 4 months into the first year at uni, OH redundant so we are skint.. but it will be loved by both of us and get a good education and be secure and safe and spoiled no doubt.. that is all it needs.

Of course there is an ideal time! You state in your post 'this one couldn't have been worse timing', so you are implying the timing could have been better...so therefore you have an ideal situation in mind of when such events should happen!

Ideal times are when both partners are ready for the commitment , joys and worries a child will bring whilst being in a loving relationship with your partner! From your posts it seems you are at this stage emptionally - as you say the rest doesnt really matter, but if it was in place it would be 'easier' to some degree.

Alongside this in MY ideal is financiial stability and reassurance - and certianally isnt a prerequisite - where as, for me, the above is.

I admire anyone who has a child in the face of adversity, and I hope all children being touched upon within this thread are much wanted and loved. At the end of the day thats whats NEEDED....but much more is desireable (in my ldeal situation anyway.)

pigpen

brians_daughter wrote: »

Of course there is an ideal time! You state in your post 'this one couldn't have been worse timing', so you are implying the timing could have been better...so therefore you have an ideal situation in mind of when such events should happen!

not at all.. just a less busy time in my life but there is never an ideal time.. so I kept my baby despite the insanity of my life at that moment in time.

Ideal times are when both partners are ready for the commitment , joys and worries a child will bring whilst being in a loving relationship with your partner! From your posts it seems you are at this stage emptionally - as you say the rest doesnt really matter, but if it was in place it would be 'easier' to some degree.

Ive been a parent for 19 years.. if i'm not ready for this one then I think I have been in the wrong job these last years lol

Alongside this in MY ideal is financiial stability and reassurance - and certianally isnt a prerequisite - where as, for me, the above is.

I admire anyone who has a child in the face of adversity, and I hope all children being touched upon within this thread are much wanted and loved. At the end of the day thats whats NEEDED....but much more is desireable (in my ldeal situation anyway.)

Exactly.. deciding WHEN to become a parent is a personal choice.. whether that is before or after marriage or whether marriage is never an option or desire.. therefore discussions such as this asking why people have children out of wedlock become superfluous as the individual makes their own path and chooses for themselves.. thankfully we are not forced into marriages we do not want, can escape marriages we went into thinking were forever and we do not have to spend our lives miserable.. leaving us free to pursue a bright future for our children.

The OP is either delusional or over 60 because surely noone else would EVER want their loved ones to be in a miserable relationship for the sake of the children.. how many of the threads on here ask.. why are you still married? Why are you still living with this person? .. irrespective of the children or lack of.

maggied_2

pigpen wrote: »

there is a difference between the time being wrong and it not being wanted or having parents who do not have a long term relationship



It is starting to sound that way.. so you get a surprise 3-4 months into a relationship...

I don't care either way what anyone does either.. but I am very glad the 'shotgun wedding' is no longer enforced!! Mind you my OH's mum would have forced us to marry if she could.. apparently this is the first illegitimate child in the family.. I think they are just too up themselves sometimes. OH has no intention of marrying anyone ever.. fine by me!



There is NEVER an ideal time.. this one couldn't have been worse timing.. in the middle of a divorce, 7 months into a new relationship, 4 months into the first year at uni, OH redundant so we are skint.. but it will be loved by both of us and get a good education and be secure and safe and spoiled no doubt.. that is all it needs.

I know it's a controversial opinion on these boards.....but maybe people should try a bit harder not to get pregnant in the first place (I know you were told you were menopausal PP so that's not directed at you). How many times do we see on these boards "oh I was on the pill, don't know how it could have possibly happened" only for them to later admit they haad food poisoning / antibiotics / forgot to take it for a few days? Or even better - the pill's no good for me I got pregnant on it twice....hmmmm!

Sorry but there's planty of good contraception which IF USED PROPERLY has very low failure rates. True 'surprises' are few and far between. (*gets flameproof suit*).

Torry_Quine

kindofagilr wrote: »

for the wedding we want and the honeymoon we want its going to be roughly be about 12k so I am not using it as an excuse, we are saving for it and we will get married

My point is that you have made that choice to have a lavish wedding.

pigpen wrote: »

So do you abort a perfectly healthy baby on the off chance the relationship doesn't work out?

What is the 'time limit'? a year? 2? 10? 25?

and living together first might not be an option.. plus then you get narrow minded people saying yo shouldn't live together.. and how soon do you start living together? .. So you put off having a child for how long.. the 2/5/100 years you have to be 'going out' plus the 2/5/100 years of living in sin before it is socially acceptable to let the world know have had sex? .. so you wait X number of years before having a child and then what? do you love it less? Does it mean less?

I was with my XH 20 years and he bugled off with a woman from salsa class.. see that coming? I didn't..

there is never a guarantee of forever and I am willing to take my chance on this one being it... and I am just glad we don't HAVE to stay in an unhappy relationship which is FAR more damaging to children than parents separating.

Of course you don't abort a child just in case the relationship doesn't work out.

I am also not narrow minded in believing that a sexual relationship is better when it takes place within marriage. I can appreciate that others views are different without denigrating them!

pinknfluffy0 wrote: »

Your right there is no guarantee but there is a stronger chance of it working if you know the person you are going to co parent with.

I am all for aborting babies if the time is wrong.

If we all waited until the time is right then the human race would die out.