Help! Misses has aquired massive debts

dark_stranger

tine wrote:

Maybe calling us "wannabe relationship councillors" when we're trying to genuinely help was a bit harsh? If you want our oppinions, help and advice then try to avoid upsetting people with comments like that. We do this for free because we care you know...

I didnt mean to offend, but it seems with some people (not yourself) that its open season on me, my life, my family & and everything possibly related to me. They feel they have the right & knowlegde on how to give me advise on my relationship, my girlfriend & my kids, when they know nothing about me or my family, nor the fact that we have been together for over 10yrs! I am simply trying to resuce/improve this relationship.

climbgirl

dark_stranger wrote:

I didnt mean to offend, but it seems with some people (not yourself) that its open season on me, my life, my family & and everything possibly related to me. They feel they have the right & knowlegde on how to give me advise on my relationship, my girlfriend & my kids, when they know nothing about me or my family, nor the fact that we have been together for over 10yrs!

That's a fair comment....it astounds me sometimes how people on this board are so quick to leap up and advise on someone's relationship/marriage etc. Usually without being asked to (sometimes people ask for advice in this area and that's fine) and knowing very little about the people involved.

I can totally understand the OP's anger. If my partner of 10 years dropped a bombshell like that, I'd feel the same way I'd imagine!

krisskross

tigtig wrote:

Dark_stranger. Do you love your girlfriend????? Do you want to be with her and your kids??? Sorry to say it all sounds a little bit like you don't. 10K is a lot of money but at the end of the day that's exactly what it is MONEY nothing more nothing less. I know its a shock to find out she has that much debt.

If you still love her then support her and help her deal with this problem, stop caller her a silly cow etc. If you don't love her then you have an easy way out of the relationship by blaming it on the debt.

There's a problem underlying here that you don't know about and with time you will find out what she has a problem with. She is a human being, we make mistakes, mistakes can me mended.

I actually think the question must be "Does the girlfriend love him?"
We only have one side of the story here but 10k is a HUGE amount of money, I would be be seriously wondering about my OHs commitment and wish to continue with the relationship if he ran up this amount of debt. And apparently not for the first time.

KatieKins

I too can understand and I think you're within your rights to feel angry! It's a lot of money that is being discussed and for someone who works a lot of hours, it is going to be hard to see that money disappearing on paying off debt on stuff you never saw/had/has any value to you.

I agree with everything you have said and I hope you can work it out 'cos you sound like a hard-working person who only wants the best for your family.

I wish you the best

MrsTinks

dark_stranger wrote:

I didnt mean to offend, but it seems with some people (not yourself) that its open season on me, my life, my family & and everything possibly related to me. They feel they have the right & knowlegde on how to give me advise on my relationship, my girlfriend & my kids, when they know nothing about me or my family, nor the fact that we have been together for over 10yrs! I am simply trying to resuce/improve this relationship.

Appology accepted Now let's get back to business

what are the chances of a full and complete SOA of your financial affairs as a couple? We're going to need these to help you work out the best, quickest and cheapest way of solving this problem.
Ok ultimately we really could do with knowing where and why she spent this money because this will affect how you are going to have to deal with it. If it's gambling or drugs then dealing with it will have to be very different to just being careless with money if you see what I mean? As well as giving you the best way of paying it back we need to try and prevent you ending up here again As you weren't the one spending the money then this information needs to come from your gf... I know some of the things we'd like to know are quite personal but back on page 1 it was asked and these are the reasons why We want her to have a lightbulb moment too and realise that you won't bail her out for life But maybe because of other problems this needs to come second until you have found out the reason behind the debt? Does that make sense or am I just rambling on again?

mrcow

dark_stranger wrote:

I gave her advice on what she would need to do to resolve this matter, switch to 0% CC's, etc and then I would help, but i just get a wall of scilence. What more an i to do.

I think you need to get these statements and find out where she's been spending her money. £10k in one year is a massive amount. If she's not got anything to show for it, then she's either eating the evidence on epensive evenings out etc?, or gambling it? (I can't think of any other ways you'd spend that kind of cash without loads of stuff in return?).

If it's neither of these things, and it's actual shopping, then there must be "things" that she's had for her money.

If it were my boyfriend, I'd make him (yes! MAKE him) set up an Ebay a/c for starters and try and recoup some of the money that's been poured down the toilet. He would also be putting the rest of the debt onto 0% cards and would be working to a strict cash budget (cards would be chopped) for the forseeable future.

I'm sorry if this seems harsh to others, but I've got a family too and can understand the OPs fear of what will happen if this carries on (and it's only because she's been caught out that the OP even knows of any of this!).

hula-hoops

Dark Stranger, did you not think it strange that post was arriving at your home for 'Mrs ...' when there is no one of that name there?

The fact that she has felt the need to hide it from you says a lot about the state of your relationship and the level of openness and trust that you have but that's for another board, not this one.

Are you saying that she has spent £10,000 and you have not noticed anything at all? No new clothes, shoes, household gadgets, jewellery, toys for the children, etc?

And if you're thinking of marriage (maybe the spending has been for wedding things?) then one of the vows is 'for richer for poorer'.

Personally I think the way you have insulted the mother of your children here is disgusting but that's not what we are here to discuss. She obviously cannot make the repayments on her own otherwise she would have done. She will need your help and support. She has made some mistakes. So what? She's not perfect. She's human. And you have chosen to raise a family with her despite her faults. That's what life is all about.

Anwen_2

Hi

I've calmed down a bit since yesterday, was in a foul mood I still find your posts a bit 'rubbing-up-the-wrong-way' but you're right, I don't know you and I shouldn't be passing judgement on a post you made when you were obviously very upset, so I apologise for that.

As for what to do now, I think the first step has to be having as calm a discussion as possible with your partner, and trying to find out exactly what she owes and to whom. She's obviously scared to talk about it, so your best option will really be to force yourself to stay calm, however bad it is. The next thing is to get both your credit reports, and check if there is anything incorrect on there, or anything forgotten about (this may well be genuine, especially if perhaps she is suffering from depression or some sort of addictive behaviour - I am not trying to make excuses here, just stating facts - if she's spent this much and doesn't know what on, it's likely that she's got some sort of mental block so there may be other cards she has forgotten about).

Do you have any joint accounts/loans/etc? If not, she should NOT be linked with you on your credit report, so if necessary you should be able to disassociate your reports (if she does show as a linked person). Have a look at Martin's article(s?) on credit reports.

Once you've got a full list of everything she owes, start working on a payment plan. I would suggest making up an SOA and posting it here for suggestions. I don't think it's going to be a great idea for you to help her as in give her cash, but it may be best if you can both pool your joint incomes and pay bills and debts together, pro rata.

Part of the problem (as it wasn't my earlier suspicion that she didn't get enough from you for necessities) may actually be that the money she earns is her money to buy whatever she likes - if you've been together for quite a while, and she's youngish, she may never have really had to follow a budget, so she may just feel like she can buy whatever she likes, and if the cash runs out, well, there's the card. So maybe if you both put your earnings together and pay the bills and the debts together, and then have 'pocket money' afterwards, it may help her to change how she sees money.

tiamaria

Like many others I've been following this thread. A gambling problem was one thing that crossed my mind too. In any case whatever she's spent the money on, its happened at least twice and if dark stranger doesnt find out the root cause its likely to happen again. I'd be very concerned if this happened to me and my partner had no explanation for it!

Most people at least know why they're in debt and what they need to cut down on to reduce it.

I wish you luck DS, as it sounds like there's something she's not telling you.

Love doesn't conquer everything, we live in the real world and having secrets can cause a deep rift in any relationship. ATB

sciencegeek

Bambywamby wrote:

If I got MYSELF into 10 grand debt and my bloke DARED called me a silly cow he would be missing teeth, balls and a sex life.

This type of comment really annoys me. Imagine the outcry if a man was to suggest he would punch his wife in the mouth, chop her boobs off and then refuse to sleep with her if she called him a name!!!
I realise that you are kidding but i dont personally think domestic violence is a joking matter.