Help! Misses has aquired massive debts

MrsTinks

Uhmmm maybe everyone should take a step back from their keyboards and take a deep breath and just calm down for a moment?
I discovered my other half had hidden something from me and trust me I didn't take it anywhere near as nice as calling him a "silly" anything! I FREAKED! Why did I freak? Not because of what he'd done, but the fact he had lied to me and betrayed my trust! He knew it was wrong but never realised how much it would upset me... Anyway my own problems aside then if trust is broken it's broken, I've spent a LOT of time and energy on working on this relationship and I know we'll stay together and get married one day. He never meant to hurt me and he knows that he will never do so again if he values the ability to one day father children. (Not that I am nasty at all )

Trust can be broken and trust can be re-earnt. But to make any inkling of progress you need to communicate. If you love her then you need to start communicating. And so does she... this is a two way thing, and you both need to sit and work through this. You need to stay calm when talking to her and she needs to start acting her age and taking responcibility.
It does sound like there has been a lot of missing communication in the past and now you need to try and recover from that damage and progress so this doesn't happen again.

Good luck

dark_stranger

Cerenia wrote:

When you take on a partner, you take on everything the world can thow at you, and especially by having kids, must show yo love each other, so why should you let anything like this throw you off? You can get through this together, as civilised people, will take work, but it achivable.

We have both been working so hard to achieve where we were the other day so that we where not managing or surviving financially, but were well off. But that all changed with one phone call. I am just annoyed that she would do this to the kids and me. She has possible put us back several years atleast. Poeple seem to feel I am selfish, but everything I have every done is so that my girlfriend and kids did not have to worry about anything. is that wrong!

mohana_2

hey dark stranger

of course you are in shock to discover this debt. but you need to try and talk to your gf and find out hte true extent of damage. use the cc statements to figure out what she has spent it on and why. lastly, by dealing with her in a fair and considered manner you need to come up with a plan for her to repay the debt and make her control her (well some of it is yours) money and her impulses .maybe she can sell some stuff, work a bit longer and use her P/T money towards the debt. she needs a debt plan and some direction. maybe that will give her a sense of being in control of her life and finances.

whatever the reasons, she is behaving irresponsibly and addressign the issues for that will make her more responsible and possibly feel more self-reliant and therefore happier.

good luck with everything. i really feel for you. but maybe it is time to curb your anger and frustration to make what is a bad situation, better.

lynzpower

Dark-stranger

No, I dont think its wrong at all. I think you have done what many women moan that they dont have. A man who is prepared to get to work nad provide for his family. I as a woman would LOVE to be in the situation you describe, 0of my OH going off to bring the bacon in and me being a stay at home parent with a part time job for my own spends. Thats what me & my partner are working towards, alas its some way off yet.

If he did anything to jeapordise our future like this, Id be livid. and i dot blame you one little bit for being angry, particularly if you are being met with a wall of silence.

You say that this has happened before? I expect you paid the debt off then. I note you have offered the wedding money. I wouldnt. In all honesty Ive been bailed out from debt by my parents before, and its done me no good whatever. Its only me taking responsbility for the f**k up that has meant real progress.

dark_stranger

MoneyMagnet wrote:

Are you sure that'll be the case? Maybe she'll be able to negotiate reduced payments that she can manage on her own (or if she can't, perhaps she could go to Payplan or similar, and they could contact the creditors on her behalf), so you won't have to help her out? Just a thought...

unfortuantely as its been pointed out by some of the wanna be relatonship councellers, its a case of in for a penny in for a pound, whats mine is yours & thats fine as I dont & wont mind helping her out. Thats part and parcel, but its just a case of there is nothing to show for this debt & i had no idea it existed.

pounds_and_pensive

This thread has made uncomfortable reading. There's nothing I can single out (or would want to), but for some reason the original post doesn't seem to have brought out the usual non-judgemental but practical assistance I'd normally associate with the DFWs.

Hopefully it's some kind of board brain-flip that we can draw a line under now it's out of the way.

I think you're entitled to be angry, dark_stranger, but don't think it's a feeling that will help you and yours in the long run. Maybe a day or two spent out of the loop with a friend or relative might help instead, if it's possible. Jeez, what *is* it about this thread? It's even trying to turn *me* into Dear Deirdre too. Sorry

The one thing this board does excel at (when it's not giving unsolicited marriage guidance ) is finding ways to demonstrate how you can often get much more out your money for the same or less effort. Sometimes you even realise too that certain situations demand less money than you thought they did, and more of something else instead. The future for your kids needn't be as bleak as you think.

Will maybe be back later when I can shake off Deirdre

MrsTinks

dark_stranger wrote:

Poeple seem to feel I am selfish, but everything I have every done is so that my girlfriend and kids did not have to worry about anything. is that wrong!

No I don't think we feel it's wrong... just maybe that in focussing your energy in one area you for got to communicate as a couple (that isn't saying you're a bad person but that you BOTH need to talk to each other). With you working days, her nights... when was the last time you had time together just YOU two? When did either of you last do something silly and romantic just because... not for any other reason... just because...

You want my oppinion? (No prob not but you're darned well gonna get it regardless! )
Go buy some flowers and ignore the cost. Buy her some balloons, or something else silly but "cute". Write in big letters "I LOVE YOU" and then re-assure her that you love her and want to work this out, but she is going to have to meet you half way and talk to you so you can make some head way. Why did she spend the money, what did she spend it on, was it because she was unhappy, is it gambling or just spending? Don't get angry whatever it was on, you just need to know so you can understand and start fixing it.
Then tell her AGAIN you love her and stash the kids with someone for an evening and go out for a meal and have some you time to sort this out... DON'T shout or call her a silly cow

dark_stranger

tigtig wrote:

Dark_stranger. Do you love your girlfriend????? Do you want to be with her and your kids???

more than anything, but to find out that she has spent/wasted 10k without me even having an idea hurts. This not only effects her, but the kids and everyone around her. And thats not fair.

MrsTinks

Maybe calling us "wannabe relationship councillors" when we're trying to genuinely help was a bit harsh? If you want our oppinions, help and advice then try to avoid upsetting people with comments like that. We do this for free because we care you know...

dark_stranger

pounds_and_pensive wrote:

I think you're entitled to be angry, dark_stranger, but don't think it's a feeling that will help you and yours in the long run. Maybe a day or two spent out of the loop with a friend or relative might help instead, if it's possible. Jeez, what *is* it about this thread? It's even trying to turn *me* into Dear Deirdre too. Sorry

No worries, I simply came here for financial advise & end up getting marital (although not married), sexual, financial, karma, bringing up kids & everything in between advice.