Help! Misses has aquired massive debts

Mrs_Sparkle

Oh my goodness, please give the details of this board to your girlfriend so at least we can give her some support if you're not prepared to. She is at fault, no doubt about that, but take it from me- it's easily done and it's a slippery slope. Your girlfriend needs support and help to change her spending habits for good otherwise it will happen again and again. Get her on here and we'll give her friendly, practical advice and we won't judge her.

It's not "mollycoddling"- we all have our weaknesses and need help in different ways- your girlfriend needs help in money management that's all.

chevalier

"Its not like she has lots of nice clothes, shoes, etc so good knows where the money has gone. Ok, maybe a couple of grand, yer, but 10K! Its not like she has to pay any bills as I pay all them & buy all the food, etc so her money is hers or so I thought. "

So what you are saying is that she has no financial responsibility in your relationship at all. She doesn't pay for a single thing? That would make me feel like a child, and not an equal partner in the relationship. Maybe she has been spending because she doesn't like being totally dependant on you....

I know what she has done is wrong, but there may be more to this, than just brainless spending.

Best of luck

never_again_2

No, I don't have to admit that it's pedantic. Unless they have applied for credit together they have no connection, credit related, to one and other. His credit record will not be affected. She has not used his name - there isn't a credit card with Mr XX Smith on it which she has accrued debt on - the debt is entirely her own.
And as for the totally predictable "politically correct mollycoddling" argument - people are all different with different ways of expressing and dealing with things, whether you like to accept that or not. There is cause and effect to everything - the causes will not always justify the outcome and they are not always excusable - but there are reasons. Until the causes are understood, nothing will be learned or change - hence why this has happened before, the cause was not addressed. You can dismiss it if you want, but that is what I believe.
I also express my opinions based on the comments I have read. I do not profess to know exactly what is going on, just the opinion I have formed reading this thread - you however appear to know completely and utterly that she is a "silly cow" without knowing the full story - all we have to go on is a call from a credit card company and a text message. Hardly and closed case, is it?

gingercordial

All I will say is that perhaps it's better that the OP gets his anger and frustration (which are understandable reactions) out on here. Hopefully he can then be a little bit more calm when he speaks to his girlfriend.

After all, regardless of how stupid she may or may not have been, or her reasons for the spending, having a calm, quiet conversation about it is going to get more done than ranting.

So feel free to vent on here is what I mean, in my opinion better here than at home!

GreyPilgrim

Donegal_Paul wrote:

Conselling my jacksy, politically correct mollycoddling is what it is.

If youve done something wrong, youve done something wrong simple as that.

Hiding it doesnt make it any better as your always caught in the end, and in the rare occasions your not, it eats you up anyway and you still lose!

I didnt see where he was shouting at her, and asides from anything else he's right, she is a silly cow, for god's sake, she's spent ten grand on next to nothing!! I wouldnt even mind if my mrs (done same thing) had something decent to show for it!!

The OP is more than entitled to express his opinions, and as ive said in a previous post, people here trying to give him marital advice or commenting on how he conducts his relationship is not relevant nor helpful.

Also, can someone point out the post where the OP said she is "spoon fed" or "totally relies on him" or similar as I must have missed this???

As for the name thing she has assumed his name, to say he isnt called Mrs xx Smith is being pedantic frankly, you have to admit that.

I think she has been a silly cow to be honest...but I wouldn't dream of coming on here and talking about my wife like that, even though she doesn't read this forum.

Also agree completely that she is solely to blame for spending the money and for getting debt in her boyfriends name and I also think the OP is well within his rights to be livid with her.

But I don't think there's anything particularly wrong with thinking the OP should sit down in a calm and controlled fashion and work out the root causes. It's not being PC and it's not been all syrupy...by all means go in there all guns blazing but just ask yourself what it's going to achieve...at the end of the day you'll have an even more alienated girlfriend and still have the £10,000 debt.

piglet6

dark_stranger wrote:

ditto, this is not the 1st time i have helpped her out. Would she be so forgiving if I had betrayed her trust in another way? I dont think so, but maybe i should. Anyway, back to the money bit, how many more times do i have to help her out. There must be a breaking point, but with kids involved it makes it so hard to show her the door as i dont want my kids to be brought up in a nasty flat with half what they use to have just because their mum cant manage her finances.

I originally felt sympathy for you reading this thread, but now I seriously question your commitment to this relationship... "their mum can't manage HER finances" - surely as a loving and committed couple, your finances are joint and you don't have "mine" and "her's"...?!?! You seem to very easily put a price on your respective "jobs" - i.e. "I earn Cash, ergo, I provide... I am "big manly provider"!"; "She brings up our children, but brings in no hard cash, therefore, she brings no real value or worth to the relationship"... It seems very black and white in your mind...:o

If you seriously feel that her abuse of a credit card is as serious as sexual infidelity, I feel sorry for you and your relationship. Credit via credit cards is readily available to many, and many people who would not consider sexual infidelity "against" their partner would more than qualify for credit in these circumstances, and neglect from a partner can cause depression which can manifold itself in many ways, including "needless" spending...

Perhaps you need to question the level of support you have given your partner, and query whether you have to take any responsibility for this outcome...?!:undecided

You seem very willing to play the role of "victim" in this scenario, but very reluctant to take any responsibility...?!

Piglet

P.S. Apologies if this seems harsh, but I do feel that you are very keen to pass the buck in this situation...

GreyPilgrim

Was just reading over a previous posters message about dark_strangers other thread.

(*sucks teeth...shakes head*)

mate, you don't take any prisoners, do you!

http://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/showthread.html?t=178157

GreyPilgrim

Why has this thread moved from the Debt Free Wannabee to the Credit Card section?

Cerenia

When you take on a partner, you take on everything the world can thow at you, and especially by having kids, must show yo love each other, so why should you let anything like this throw you off? You can get through this together, as civilised people, will take work, but it achivable.

Donegal_Paul

never_again wrote:

No, I don't have to admit that it's pedantic. Unless they have applied for credit together they have no connection, credit related, to one and other. His credit record will not be affected. She has not used his name - there isn't a credit card with Mr XX Smith on it which she has accrued debt on - the debt is entirely her own.

Someone incurring a bad debt, while unconnected to the person themselves (say not married) will still affect any person living at that address at that time, I do believe Im right in saying this unless anyone can correct me?

And as for the totally predictable "politically correct mollycoddling" argument - people are all different with different ways of expressing and dealing with things, whether you like to accept that or not. There is cause and effect to everything - the causes will not always justify the outcome and they are not always excusable - but there are reasons. Until the causes are understood, nothing will be learned or change - hence why this has happened before, the cause was not addressed. You can dismiss it if you want, but that is what I believe.

I respect that you have that right to believe that, no problem. However, you are making an assumption that this has not been addressed before. Im not saying it has or hasnt but there could be other reasons, such as not realising fully the seriousness of the situation beforehand, or perhaps just being a silly cow

I also express my opinions based on the comments I have read. I do not profess to know exactly what is going on, just the opinion I have formed reading this thread - you however appear to know completely and utterly that she is a "silly cow" without knowing the full story - all we have to go on is a call from a credit card company and a text message. Hardly and closed case, is it?

Not a closed case no I agree, however, ive also based my opinions on thecomments here and the phone call and the text message are not the only relevant comments that the OP has given us.