Help! Misses has aquired massive debts

Donegal_Paul

GreyPilgrim wrote:

But I don't think there's anything particularly wrong with thinking the OP should sit down in a calm and controlled fashion and work out the root causes. It's not being PC and it's not been all syrupy..

Just to be clear, im not saying that he shouldnt sit down and sort it, nor am i saying thats pc, i was specifically referring to conselling in the context of the message where it was written :-)

Donegal_Paul

piglet6 wrote:

I originally felt sympathy for you reading this thread, but now I seriously question your commitment to this relationship... "their mum can't manage HER finances" - surely as a loving and committed couple, your finances are joint and you don't have "mine" and "her's"...?!?! You seem to very easily put a price on your respective "jobs" - i.e. "I earn Cash, ergo, I provide... I am "big manly provider"!"; "She brings up our children, but brings in no hard cash, therefore, she brings no real value or worth to the relationship"... It seems very black and white in your mind...:o

Hang on a minute, where does it say that "Happy marraige = shared bank accounts" ? Thats effectively where you are coming from with the above. After my missus doing a similar thing i made sure we sorted our own accounts etc so that any debts she got were her own. No problems as long as it doesnt threaten me our house or our kids, simple.
It may well be very black and white in the OP's mind, it's called anger at this point and im sure that, given time, itll settle.

If you seriously feel that her abuse of a credit card is as serious as sexual infidelity, I feel sorry for you and your relationship. Credit via credit cards is readily available to many, and many people who would not consider sexual infidelity "against" their partner would more than qualify for credit in these circumstances, and neglect from a partner can cause depression which can manifold itself in many ways, including "needless" spending...

Again, it could be anger at this point, us men can, initially at least, lash out in our thoughts.

Perhaps you need to question the level of support you have given your partner, and query whether you have to take any responsibility for this outcome...?!:undecided

Agreed, he needs to seeing as he's done it once before but she's done it again anyway! As for the responsibility, well, if there are debts in his name, but fraudulant ones then .................

You seem very willing to play the role of "victim" in this scenario, but very reluctant to take any responsibility...?!

I think youre right, he is the victim, and if you ask me i think the greater share of the debts responsibility is at her feet, especially when there are kids involved :-(

Donegal_Paul

Cerenia wrote:

When you take on a partner, you take on everything the world can thow at you, and especially by having kids, must show yo love each other, so why should you let anything like this throw you off? You can get through this together, as civilised people, will take work, but it achivable.

fair play to your outlook :-)

But I have to ask, and im fully aware there may be an overwhelming YES, but.....

"Am I the only cynic in the room!???"

RubyMurray

Rather than give relationship advice I think the OP needs reassuring that the bailiffs won't come knocking on the door in the early hours of the morning and take away his hard-earned stuff, I think.

OP, get on to the National Debt Line and they will give you free, sympathetic advice and will put you straight on what bailiffs can and can't do. For a start, a credit card company cannot send bailiffs round, only the courts have the power to do that, if you break a court judgement. Your girlfriend needs to work out an affordable payment arrangement with the credit card company or get in touch with Payplan, who can arrange it for you.

I know you're upset and angry about this but it's a credit card debt (a non-priority debt) and you're freaking out as if the Four Horsemen of The Apocalypse are about to decend on you. It can be sorted out and it's not the end of the world, honestly!

PS. Please don't be too harsh on your girlfriend, we all make mistakes and credit card companies make it so easy to get into these situations, it could happen to anyone.

seagles_2

A post on

http://boards.fool.co.uk/Messages.asp?bid=50079&mid=8480701


Dealing with debt board WILL get you some great advice on how to help deal with the debt's


Raptor. :rotfl:

dark_stranger

Mirtos wrote:

and as far as I can see, there's no evidence YET that these are bad debts. She hasn't asked you for help, or said she expects you to take responsibility for the debts and as far as we know, she may be planning to deal with the situation herself.

Maybe I didnt make it clear, these debts have been building up for about a yr & the only reason I know about them now is that I received a phone call for her, but using my surname from capital one, requesting that she calls then & that she would not know what it is about. I therefore asked her and she admitted that she has 10k of debts & capital one & others are casing several months of payments. Does that sound like someone that is in control of her debts. No it doesnt.I have tried taling to her & she calms up. You also mention about respecting her, doesnt respect have to be earnt & can it not be lost? the answer is yes to both of them. Her actions not ony effect her, but our kids, me, and our families. Its not a pretty picture, but I may have to distance myself from her, so that I dont get dragged down with her & there is a stable environment for the kids when her yr of spending catchs up with her.

dark_stranger

lisa_75 wrote:

I know you say you pay all the bills, but do you give her enough money for extras such as kids clothes, day trips, haircuts etc? This may be where the money has gone. She may not have been able to manage and did not know how to tell you.

I don't mean to be rude, but you sound quite controlling and bad tempered in your posts. My husband would never call me a "stupid cow" not in real life or on an internet forum.

I use to buy all the kids cloths, pay for day trips, and only last week gave her a rather large amount for a hair cut. She had money of her own, she had her p/t wages, child benefit, and even tax credit. But still she felt the need to rack up 10k worth of debts & still can not tell me what it went on. I can assure you, it wasnt on the house, the kids or her. Its like it has just been thrown away. I really dont know where it has gone. I have even considered drugs/drink, but thats not an option, but saying that nor was a 10k debts until the other day.

dark_stranger

Anwen wrote:

Quite. Frankly, I think his whole attitude is pretty awful, he's going to 'make her' do things and so on. Hardly sounds like a good model of a relationship for the kids, where Mum's spending G-d knows how much on credit, and Dad's treating her like a bad dog...

Yer you are right, I mustnt for get my mannors, must I. How dare you !!!!ing pass judgement on my family. You should get off you soap box & realise that I am try to resolve this matter for me, my g/f & untimately the kids and it it means a few harsh words then so beit. We all cant live in an ideal world and I just hope that your partners skelertons never surface, thats if you have a partner.

tigtig

Dark_stranger. Do you love your girlfriend????? Do you want to be with her and your kids??? Sorry to say it all sounds a little bit like you don't. 10K is a lot of money but at the end of the day that's exactly what it is MONEY nothing more nothing less. I know its a shock to find out she has that much debt.

If you still love her then support her and help her deal with this problem, stop caller her a silly cow etc. If you don't love her then you have an easy way out of the relationship by blaming it on the debt.

There's a problem underlying here that you don't know about and with time you will find out what she has a problem with. She is a human being, we make mistakes, mistakes can me mended.

dark_stranger

mattbass wrote:

My mates girlfriend did this to him last year except it was 30k!!!! And last week they got married and are still happy. Debt is being sorted. So have hope:T

Thanks mate, we were due to get married, but its been put on hold after this little incident as I dont feel its fair our parents should add financial burden to thenselves when she owes all this money. Plus I have offered the money I Saved for the wedding to help clear her debts or atleast keep the nasty phone calls at bay from the CC people.

I would just like to add, thta all the people slating me off about my attitude, i just hope that something likes this never happens to you guys/girls. But if it does, you will have exactly the same feeling as me, shock distrust, hurt, feeling sick, confussed, the list goes on. Therefore instead of slating me off, offer constructive advise that will help my family move forward.