Help! Misses has aquired massive debts

Bells&Whistles

If there is nothing to show for this amount of money could your g/f have a gambling problem? if so that would change how this should be dealt with.

Just my two cents !

dark_stranger

hula-hoops wrote:

Dark Stranger, did you not think it strange that post was arriving at your home for 'Mrs ...' when there is no one of that name there?

The fact that she has felt the need to hide it from you says a lot about the state of your relationship and the level of openness and trust that you have but that's for another board, not this one.

Are you saying that she has spent £10,000 and you have not noticed anything at all? No new clothes, shoes, household gadgets, jewellery, toys for the children, etc?

And if you're thinking of marriage (maybe the spending has been for wedding things?) then one of the vows is 'for richer for poorer'.

Personally I think the way you have insulted the mother of your children here is disgusting but that's not what we are here to discuss. She obviously cannot make the repayments on her own otherwise she would have done. She will need your help and support. She has made some mistakes. So what? She's not perfect. She's human. And you have chosen to raise a family with her despite her faults. That's what life is all about.

I leave for work before the the house is awake & therefore do not see the post. I have been asking myself that same question, 10k, what the hell could she have spent it on. I have told her today that If she wants my help I want to know eveything! so lets see how open she is.

dark_stranger

Anwen wrote:

So maybe if you both put your earnings together and pay the bills and the debts together, and then have 'pocket money' afterwards, it may help her to change how she sees money.

or it may give her access to even more money that is required to pay bills, etc at the mo i dont trust her enough to take that risk and possibly loose even more.

dark_stranger

tiamaria wrote:

Love doesn't conquer everything, we live in the real world and having secrets can cause a deep rift in any relationship. ATB

at last a realist.

livinginhope

dark_stranger wrote:

We have both been working so hard to achieve where we were the other day so that we where not managing or surviving financially, but were well off.

Hi dark stranger,I understand you are upset with your gGF,but your situation hasn't actually changed since the other day,the only thing is YOU know about it! I know this is going to sound odd but could the money have been spent on you,maybe she has been trying to make you think things have been going well by buying little odds and sods and it has all mounted up,she is obviously aware of your desire to be 100% solvent and probably feels a failure this could be why she hasn't told you.
I'm glad you're calmer today and good luck for sorting things out.

dark_stranger

Guys and girls, apart from a few individuals, the responses where not what i was looking for and not really constructive. Therefore can a mod please close this thread as it would seem it has lost its constructiveness (if thats a word). Oh yer, thanks to the peeps that did geuninly try and help & not get involved in this witch hunt.
Thanks

jodie

Hi OP

I have been reading this thread since you posted it.

I have kids with my boyfriend and we have been together 10 years too, I dont work but he works from 6am until 7pm monday - friday, we share the housework and he will look after the kids whenever I want to go out.

From what i'm hearing you sound like a nice man that would do the same as my OH, You want to do whats right for your family and I understand that.

Is your girlfriend embaresed (sp) or ashamed of what she has done? Maybe this is why she isnt really talking about it.

If you were me I would take on the debt and oay it off but I would do what me and OH do and thats put all the money coming into the house together and when we want to send any we let each other know, its a great way of keeping an eye on spending amounts.

GreyPilgrim

dark_stranger wrote:

Yer you are right, I mustnt for get my mannors, must I. How dare you !!!!ing pass judgement on my family. You should get off you soap box & realise that I am try to resolve this matter for me, my g/f & untimately the kids and it it means a few harsh words then so beit. We all cant live in an ideal world and I just hope that your partners skelertons never surface, thats if you have a partner.

What exactly is it you want from this board DS? If it's just ways to get out of debt then there's a few simple pointers. Don't spend more than you can afford.

There.

Done.

Not very useful is it?

To be fair, you are the one that has laid a lot of your private family matters out there in the public domain...you've openly declared your contempt for your girlfriend in this post and in previous threads...what did you expect us to do?

We all know what causes debt and how to get out of it but on it's own it's not a great help - the debt issue doesn't just occur in a vacuum and it's root causes (and cures) affects every aspect of your life and that of your loved ones...you and your gf's state of mind, your attitude to spending...it's all interconnected...Every one on this board knows that which is why the solutions and opinions they have offered will inevitably make occasional reference to your relationship with your partner. It's very hard to give advice on the financial side without mentioning the other.

And again, fairs fair - I realise that all we have to go on are what you have written here (and I'm sure that this is a million miles from reality), but you do paint yourself as kind of a control freak. You've thanked everyone who has shared your point of view and come down extremely hard and rude on anyone who has dared to point out the fact that you might be out of order.

Before you throw something hard and sharp at me, could I ask you to disconnect yourself from the situation, and put yourself in your girlfriends shoes just for a little while...maybe try and think of a couple of reasons why she has felt the need to spend £10K and hide the debt from you?

Just for a few minutes?

GreyPilgrim

GreyPilgrim wrote:

You've thanked everyone who has shared your point of view and come down extremely hard and rude on anyone who has dared to point out the fact that you might be out of order.

dark_stranger wrote:

the responses where not what i was looking for and not really constructive. Therefore can a mod please close this thread as it would seem it has lost its constructiveness (if thats a word). Oh yer, thanks to the peeps that did geuninly try and help & not get involved in this witch hunt. Thanks

I rest my case.

GP

Toomuchdebt

I ran up over £10,000 of debt in a year so can understand how it's done-however I know what mine went on.Something that occurred to me was-are you sure she is working?Have you seen wage slips?If she won't tell you what the money has gone on and won't show you statements and you haven't noticed any new things I can only think she's spent it on drugs or alcohol or gambling or someone else I could be wrong and hope I am but you do need to find out what this money has gone on.