how to stop loving someone and let them go

denton6

text ex the other night saying maybe it was time for the boys to meet her. i knew it would happen at some point however much i didnt want it to so thought it was prob best to suggest it rather than think about it all the time they are with him. he text me back thinking she was working. i explained that i did want him to tell them it was his girlfriend and not to pretend it was just a friend. got a text this morning he had sent it last night but was late on and i never heard message come through. boys met her last night he told them she was his girl friend and he said they were fine. boys are due back after tea i dont know what i should do. do i mention about her seeing them last night or wait to see if they say something first. head all mixed up in best way to react. least they have met her now , just hope deep in my heart they dont think she is special. part of me wants to tell them daddy left us for her but think that is not what my 9 and 7 year old need to hear right now. help

ninky_2

denton6 sounds to me you are still trying to have a relationship with your ex by proxy. so you are trying to control his actions by saying when are how your kids should meet the new girlfriend etc. why are you doing this? seriously? i know it is really hard to be cut out of someone's life when previously you were involved with everything (from washing their socks to knowing when they were going to the loo). but you really have to let go and stop trying to control you ex's actions. for the sake of your sons it would be far better if they actually have a good relationship with this girl/woman. she is never going to take your place but what good will it do them to hate her?

they will end up being torn between you and their dad. resist the temptation to coax information out of them. it's not fair. they don't deserve to be caught in the middle. their father has behaved in a really bad way but for their sake let them believe he is a good dad. he has left you but he hasn't left them etc etc.

sorry you must be hurting so badly now. it's only natural to want your ex and his new gf to suffer. but please try to concentrate on trying to find some happiness for yourself rather than unhappiness for them. (easier said than done - i'd still gloat if my ex met some sort of comeuppance.....:D)

denton6

my problem is i dont want them to have a good time with her. there older brother is older than her. hurts so much and i try not to pass thefeelings onto the to little ones but i dont want to sit back and watch them play happy familys either. I know they need there dad but find it hard that they need a dad who cheated on me with someone young enough to be his daughter, a dad that walked away and a dad that even though he says they come first doesnt seem to prove it that way. think my only option will be to move away from here and start a fresh with boys, maybe i can be nearer where my two older sons are as one goes to uni in september and other now lives where he went to uni. i really dont think i can stay here even though it is where my mam and dad, my sisters and friends are just to see them out and about together. cant believe she got offered a job at the same place as him. there again must be job they are in cos most of the people who work there have cheated or have kids to other people etc, only about two i would say seem happily married. but there again i thought we were to. me the fool. sorry just wish he would get to suffer some of the pain he has put me through. he comes out smelling of roses. i sound very bitter and that is because i am.

dmg24

denton6 wrote: »

my problem is i dont want them to have a good time with her. there older brother is older than her. hurts so much and i try not to pass thefeelings onto the to little ones but i dont want to sit back and watch them play happy familys either. I know they need there dad but find it hard that they need a dad who cheated on me with someone young enough to be his daughter, a dad that walked away and a dad that even though he says they come first doesnt seem to prove it that way. think my only option will be to move away from here and start a fresh with boys, maybe i can be nearer where my two older sons are as one goes to uni in september and other now lives where he went to uni. i really dont think i can stay here even though it is where my mam and dad, my sisters and friends are just to see them out and about together. cant believe she got offered a job at the same place as him. there again must be job they are in cos most of the people who work there have cheated or have kids to other people etc, only about two i would say seem happily married. but there again i thought we were to. me the fool. sorry just wish he would get to suffer some of the pain he has put me through. he comes out smelling of roses. i sound very bitter and that is because i am.

I have not read the whole thread, but I would echo ninky's words. At the moment you are letting this impact on your children, and that is not fair on them. As difficult as it is, you need to put aside your own ill feelings and think about what is best for the children.

As cliched as it is, time is a great healer. Just over a year ago my life was overtaken by a very messy break up, I could not see any future without him. I do still miss him at times, but far less than I did back then, and if anything I feel a bit sorry for him now.

Have you had any counselling?

sashadesade

Considering the way you feel about the girlfriend, I think it's best if you try to avoid talking about her to your boys at all. If you're being negative about her then they will pick up on it and feel like they aren't 'allowed' to like her. I know you don't want them to like her, but you must let them form their own opinions and accept them. If you try to manipulate the boys they will be caught up between you and your ex which will only confuse and upset them. You want to hurt your ex and the girlfriend, but don't use your boys to do it or you'll end up hurting them more than anyone.

ninky_2

your happiness really is the best revenge.

can't imagine this young girl will want your lads about that much spoiling the cosy love nest tbh.

denton6

yes go to councilling, have felt slightly more positive over last four days hence why i thought i could handle them meeting her. havent cried for those days yet now im crying again and boys will be back in a few hours. feel as though he wins everytime. realsie it will only hurt the boys, two oldest have already said they never want to meet her but at 22 and 18 that has been there decision. he goes on holiday with them in a few weeks should have been our family holiday as we are all down to go, gonna hate the boys been away for the 9 days. just one day and i dont like not having them around. daddy does all the fun things with them spends lots of money. i havent got lots of cash to spend and am not that confident at driving so tend to go to places nearby. just want my boys home for a big cuddle. just what i need thanks for the replies i no i need to listen to sence. just wish it was that easy.

ninky_2

denton6 wrote: »

feel as though he wins everytime. .

it's not a competition though. i mean his happiness or unhappiness should not impact on yours now. i know it's hard but maybe if you love him you need to try to feel pleased he is happy. possibly a step too far at the moment.

try to focus on all the things in your life you have to look forward to. are you doing any exercise? - that really got me through my breakup. i thought" i might be miserable but at least i'll be fit and miserable!"

minnie123

You may think your ex is happy now and you are down but as she is so young I really can't imagine this relationship being a long tern thing. I saw a similar thing happen with my parents when I was younger. Dad had an affair, they divorced, he was fine but mum was suicidal. The situation now is Mum met a new man and is very happy, dad is alone and lonely regretting what he threw away. I knew it would end like this xxxxxxxxx

swiss69

minnie123 wrote: »

You may think your ex is happy now and you are down but as she is so young I really can't imagine this relationship being a long tern thing. I saw a similar thing happen with my parents when I was younger. Dad had an affair, they divorced, he was fine but mum was suicidal. The situation now is Mum met a new man and is very happy, dad is alone and lonely regretting what he threw away. I knew it would end like this xxxxxxxxx

Agree totolly with this....What young girl wants to be playing mum to a 7 and 9 year old and be a potential stepmum to someone older than her!.....I reckon this will fizzle out. Unfortunately it will probably be too late for you but i wouldnt get too hung up on her to be honest. You cant compete with someone half your age so its not worth trying. He will be the one to realise in the future but men often cant help it if a girl half their age makes a play for them.