how to stop loving someone and let them go

denton6

feel like i am going mad, when ex was here it all felt safe, my family, me and my home. now he isnt here everything seems to be going wrong, so scary being on my own with two little ones, but even more scray when they are staying with him. how come the one person who has hurt and betrayed me the most is still the one i feel safest with. just need one good thing to focus on right now, but everything just seems so black. should be happy i have my boys but due to recent things happening around me, even they dont feel safe now.

ninky_2

denton6 wrote: »

feel like i am going mad, when ex was here it all felt safe, my family, me and my home. now he isnt here everything seems to be going wrong, so scary being on my own with two little ones, but even more scray when they are staying with him. how come the one person who has hurt and betrayed me the most is still the one i feel safest with. just need one good thing to focus on right now, but everything just seems so black. should be happy i have my boys but due to recent things happening around me, even they dont feel safe now.

habit and because you haven't had time to find anyone else. of course after all those years it is going to be hard to break out of your psychological comfort zone. you've got to start being responsible for your own feeling of safety and security. when you say 'safe', what do you mean exactly? try to get to grips with what the perceived dangers are and come up with your own solutions to minimize them.

if your ex hadn't left you but simply had to move away for work or whatever for a few months would you have the same fears? or are your thoughts of feeling 'unsafe' really just another form of grief for losing the relationship?

instead of focusing on the negative aspects of being single (scary, lonely etc), start trying to look at the positive sides. you don't have to answer to anyone now. you can make decisions and chose who you see and when. you can have the house as you want without having to deal with a partner's messy habits or overzealous cleanliness.

it may well feel far too soon to start dating but why not make a list of blokes you fancy - old or as young as you like, famous or real. and maybe make a list of characteristics of a perfect mate (possibly including some your ex is sorely lacking in like loyalty).

RacyRed

denton6 wrote: »

feel like i am going mad, when ex was here it all felt safe, my family, me and my home. now he isnt here everything seems to be going wrong, so scary being on my own with two little ones, but even more scray when they are staying with him. how come the one person who has hurt and betrayed me the most is still the one i feel safest with. just need one good thing to focus on right now, but everything just seems so black. should be happy i have my boys but due to recent things happening around me, even they dont feel safe now.

Awww, (((((hugs hun))))).

It WILL get better, just hang on in there.

whisper7832

Hi denton6,

Just wanted to send you lots of hugs and bestest wishes. I know how hard it can be. But remember, even when the computer's not on and you can't see all these people wishing you the best and you feel all alone, that there ARE people who do care.
I'm not sure what to say as from experience I know it all works itself out in its own time. This may sound odd, but I read a book called 'Women who love too much' and it was really good at the time. Also, remember that you can make your life into whatever you want it to be. You deserve better than someone who doesn't value you as much as they should.
Bestest wishes xx

The ultimate trip is the head trip. We believe in something or someone only to find out it was an illusion. We trip, we fall and sometimes we shatter. What we lose is the time invested. What we gain is a great awakening.

beachbaby_2

Just popped by to say hi, and to let you know I am thinking about you. Sorry to read things have been rough(er) this last week. I, like you am trying to stay positive- some days it is easier than others. I have started being teary again last thing at night and first thing in the morning. We went to Blackpool for the last two days and even though it was difficult we managed to have a good time and DD1 laughed properly for the first time in ages. I would love to just be able to move on properly but unfortunately 'he' still comes into the equation because of the girls. Hope you are managing to sleep OK and are eating properly because it is so important to take care of yourself for the sake of your boys and yourself.
Lots of love. X

denton6

hi not really eating, had some toast yesterday and have had some toast and a apple today. i am losing weight my work pants now have to have a belt on them. i'm not that big normal size 12 but i have got it into my head i can be a size 8 if i try really hard. i was a size 8 when we first met but i was ony 17 then and maybe 4 children later i will never be able to get to that size. my best freind is not happy with me says i need toi eat or i will be ill, but at this moment i dont feel hungry think you get past the hungry stage, my body has got used to not much food. boys have just had lunch with my mam and dad whilst i was at work. when they stay with there dad and also cos the older two now live away it doesnt seem worth making food just for me. kids have school meals two days a week and they love cereal so last week they had it for tea on two nights. its quick, healthy and i no they will wat it. there dad wont be happy if he finds out though cos he used to moan when he was here when he was at work if they had cereal for tea.
the unsafe bit is beacause of something that has happened to one of my friends, i think only bad things have happened in this house and it isnt home however hard i try and make it. what happened to my friend is every parents worse nightmare, cant get any worse than that. i just felt that when ex was here everything would be fine and was reasured. even my dr said to me the other day that i had to realise he didnt keep us safe, he choose to walk away from me and our sons. that is not someone that wanted to protect me.

mineallmine

Huge hugs denton. And as much as us girls love to transform ourselves with our weight, you need to be so careful. People with eating disorders often resort to that very thing as it's the only thing they have control over. But lets stop there, news alert! Your body will suffer and become ill making you depressed and in the process you will have no control. Dont show these habits to your kids either, even boys can have body issues. So even if you only eat a small amount - say some soup - then please do. Food = fuel = strength. Low blood sugar or anything = lack of concentration or energy.

What small things can you do to improve your home? Could you move some pots to be outside your front? Give the nets a boil wash? Rearrange some trinkets? Start moving that energy around.

beachbaby_2

Wendy, just read your post. Please, please try and eat properly. Not just for the sake of your physical health but it also affects your mood. If you don't eat well it makes you feel low and you go into a downward spiral. I am only just under 9 stone normally, but the week after my husband left I managed to lose over half a stone. My work pants no longer fit now even though I am eating much better. I know when you feel awful the food just seems to get stuck in your throat so try and have soups or some build up drinks if you cant manage anything solid. Even just something simple like pasta or noodles. My kids are having tea at their dads tonight so I, like you can't be bothered to cook for myself but I have had a good sized sandwich. Please try. XX

consultant31

denton6 wrote: »

the unsafe bit is beacause of something that has happened to one of my friends, i think only bad things have happened in this house and it isnt home however hard i try and make it. what happened to my friend is every parents worse nightmare, cant get any worse than that. i just felt that when ex was here everything would be fine and was reasured. even my dr said to me the other day that i had to realise he didnt keep us safe, he choose to walk away from me and our sons. that is not someone that wanted to protect me.

Have your children not laughed in that house? Have they not cuddled you, kissed you, told you that they love you - all in that house?

Why isn't it home? What makes a home? To me a home is where there are children who can laugh without fear and parents (whether there's one or two of them) who love them, feed them and keep them happy, warm and safe.

It's not the house that's at fault here, you are depressed and it's colouring everything around you. I do hope that your children see a different you than we 'see' or they must be very miserable. I know it must be hard, but you need to let the children see you light-hearted and happy sometimes.

I thought you were on tablets from the doctor for depression, are they not working at all? Perhaps another visit is in order and ask for something to help you.

There will be happy times ahead and if you can pretend you're happy for the children's sake, maybe you'll start to actually feel happier too.

ninky_2

wendy cereal is not a healthy meal. people like kelloggs plough loads of money into ads to convince us about vitamins and stuff but there have been studies to show the nutritional value of cereals without the fake added vitamins is basically nil.
http://www.bbccountryfilemagazine.com/feature/real-food/truth-about-breakfast-cereals

you might as well give them the box to eat and a vitamin tablet on the side. plus it's really not a good message to give kids that a bowl of cereal is a decent tea. can't you get them involved with getting the tea ready? chopping up some veg together? maybe make a nice pot of warming soup or a casserole or stew? honestly size 8 on an older person is not necessarily an attractive look. you'd be better of doing a bit of exercise to boost your mood. an undernourished, under exercised bod is not really something to aspire too and will make you feel more tired and listless.