how to stop loving someone and let them go

RacyRed

denton6 wrote:

but thought since he was coming to parents evening just the hour before he would prob be ok to have them. he did say sorry wasnt expecting to have them he had nothing planned but he couldnt do it.

Wendy, You canot make those sorts of assumptions anymore.

You have been separated for a while now. Time to think about structured access for your ex. Time to put in place other arrangements for school runs etc, maybe ask if you can change your working hours?

You kind of sound as if you are organising your day to day care as if he is still someone you share child care with - he isn't, not any more.

I'm afraid that this might be the price you now have to pay for having been so bitter about him and his g/f. If you are going to give him hell he isn't going to want to do you what he sees as favours. Yes, he is a father, but he has moved out of the family home so is no longer a "hands on" father in the way he was when you all lived together. He pays maintenance now?

Trying to keep him involved on a day to day basis will look, to him, as if you are still in denial about splitting up. And I'd love to think that you haven't encouraged your 9 y/o in his reluctance to see the new g/f, but I've this awful fear that you might have, even though it wouldn't have been intentional. Apologies and big sigh of relief if I'm wrong, I hope I am.

Michelin

Hi Wendy, I have to agree with what the others have said about getting more structured childcare in place. It would be good if you could talk to him calmly and see if you can come to some arrangement regarding access. It will be much better for your boys if they have some sort of routine and I am sure that their dad does want to see them but at the moment, I think he is avoiding contact as he seems to get a lot of grief from you when he does (I am not saying he is right Wendy, just thinking about how he might see it). It is all your interests to see if you can be civil with each other. Yes, there is this girl in the background and she is probably calling the shots with him a little bit too at the moment but once you have something in place and he knows when he can have the kids, then it will be better all round.

It is difficult if one of you works shifts and there may need to be some flexibility on both sides but you must try and separate how you feel about him and sorting out access for the boys. If you can try and talk civilly to each other, you may be able to voice your views about the involvement of his girlfriend - and other things - but at the mjoment, he isn't being very receptive to what you are saying as he just sees it as bitter ranting (again, not saying this is true but trying to put some perspective around it all). She is there in his life (at the moment) and unfortunately he is thinking with another part of his body at the moment! Again as others have said, you need to take him out of day-to-day care of the boys as that is no longer the case and there are loads of single parents in the same position as you and somehow, you just manage. It is hard I know, I've been there, but you can make it work and ultimately, you will all be happier.

You are doing so well Wendy and you can be forgiven for the bitter thoughts at times but I think you know in your heart that it doesn't help the situation for you or the boys. You are being really strong and you should be proud of how far you have come in a relatively short time so just try and take this next step along the way to your recovery.

Nothing I have said is meant to upset you Wendy and I have been a strong supporter of you but I just want to help you keep moving along the road to happiness again. xxx

ninky_2

something that might be worth thinking about is a shared custody arrangement. this is more common in some other countries (for example new zealand). i know someone who had the children for 2 weeks and the dad had them for 1. they lived near enough to make this work and the children seemed to do very well with the arrangement. it also gave both parents equal chance to move on with new relationships and have some of their own time too. obviously this is something you both need to think about but possibly particularly with boys there might be some advantage to it.

personally i don't see why the mother should always take full responsibility for the childcare and i don't think it means you love your children any less.

http://www.separateddads.co.uk/SharedCustodyOfYourChildren.html

thorsoak

Wendy - just supposing that your OH had died suddenly and not just left you for another woman - you would obviously feel bereft and broken hearted - but you would know that you just had to get on because of your boys!

Try and treat the situation as it is in this way - he is dead to you now, and you have to make the all the arrangements for your boys. They can depend upon you - and obviously whilst his mind is full of his new g/f (by the way - have you told the school about this??) you and your boys cannot depend upon him to look after them.

So you make all the arrangements necessary - using your parents when you can, an after school club when you can't, find a childminder when necessary - and tell him when he can see the boys - when it suits your arrangements. He is no longer the centre of your little family's universe - he cannot expect everyone to revolve around him - YOU are now the centre of your family's universe - and he will have to revolve around you from now on in.

Be strong - you can be - after all - it was you who went through the hard labour of having your boys - you don't know just how strong you can be until you try. YOU CAN DO IT!

Regards

HeatherH

After just reading through the post, I cannot second enough what the others have written above.

I was in a similar situation when my son's dad walked out on me, and of how many times, his dad would suddenly say, "oh I didn't know I was supposed to be having our DS" (like hell he didn't) and when I kicked up a fuss about it, I was the one that was called the drama queen.
It ended up going to court for various reasons and a joint residency order was put in place, he still cuts corners on it, but I have to say that it's helped me sort my life arrangements out as I know (95%) when I'm going to be free of DS to pursue other things (wish I didn't have to personally)

So depending on what you decide to do either get some arrangement put down between yourselves, or even get in a mediator, which is not cheap, but less expensive than going to court.

Big hugs, and goodluck! x

denton6

spoke with my solicitor yesterday, she has told me that since i have asked when he would like the boys or is able to take them to school, if he doesnt reply i just make those arrangements myself. if he then turns round and says he will have them if i have made other plans then i dont change them. she agrees boys need contact with there dad but she also thinks it should be just him and them for the moment because it is still all very early days. only a few weeks ago he told me i had to ask him first if he could have the boys before i asked anyone else. looks like that is out the window now. after parents eveing last night he did text the boys to say how proud he was of them as we both are, do think he could have rang them though cos he hasnt spoken to them since sat. i cant really change my hours at work, i have looked to see if there are anymore jobs about, but at the moment i am prob best staying where i am , at least here i do have support of some work friends. he text me before asking if he can have boys after school on monday for tea, this is going to happen 7 year old is at beaver halloween party but he said he will take him, unfortunatly because we share the car i will have to go and pick them back up again cos he cant have them staying the night cos he has a early start at work the day after. small steps .

mineallmine

I always think how sad it is when men invariably break away from a family, start their new life and become absolutely b$ggars when it comes to their own children. But it happens. It's unfair, damn immoral but it happens.
You are wearing the trousers in this family now. In a way you keep setting your husband little tests and he inevitably fails them. So it is him who is the greater loser here. He will miss them growing up. But now it's time to pull up the drawbridge and set up camp denton6 and set out the ground rules.
YOu;ve done really well to kick start the solicitor stuff. and you must push on with that. its really important to nurture your boys now. This must be having an effect on them. So what treat would they really like to do? What games or what? And do it.
Sending you positive vibes of strength, hope and peace. You can do this.

thorsoak

Wendy, your mention in your last post about Halloween - and another poster's thread about Christmas started me thinking. What are YOUR plans for Christmas? Have you started making them yet?

My own suggetions - for what they are worth - are that you start making plans now. Talk to your little ones - say that things aren't going to be the same as other years now that Daddy doesn't live with you anymore - and maybe get some suggestions from them.

When you talk to your big son at uni, ask what he wants to do as well. Be proactive - get things organised as far as you can for YOUR plans, with your family - and then present ex-OH with a fait accompli - tell him what the plans are, what time he can come round to see the boys or what time he can have the boys at his home.

Take control, honey!

ecgirl07

Picked up on the still share the car - get this sorted out, it is your car or its his car. Small steps but maybe add this to the list of things to talk to the solicitor about.

Have a good weekend

squidge60

Have nothing to add other peeps seem to have come with good advice so just a :grouphug: from me