how to stop loving someone and let them go

denton6

hi i am on 5mg twice a day. to be honest not sure if they are helping or not, dr said they would help to take the edge off things. sat here crying cos my 9 year old just had a go at me. we have just practiced there spellings for today and they both did really well. 9 year old wanted me to spell his spellings and i said oh not at the moment pet mam isnt very good at spellings and would prob get them wrong, i really am not good at spelling hense why i have now started the english and maths courses. he just went mad with me shouting. he text his dad before because he was trying to do some lego and was stuck he asked his dad if he could help. he replied back sorry he couldnt. have just found out that yet again his dad finished at 3 so could have seen them for a hour or two, but yet again looks like gf has got the attention. this is the man who used to do everything for his boys and me to for that matter, now he really does not seem to care.

ninky_2

denton6 wrote: »

have just found out that yet again his dad finished at 3 so could have seen them for a hour or two, but yet again looks like gf has got the attention. this is the man who used to do everything for his boys and me to for that matter, now he really does not seem to care.

selfish. totally selfish by the sounds of it. at least it sounds like you are waking up to his faults. honestly wendy you deserve someone so much better. with all your shortcomings (and it sounds like you are aware of them), you come across as a kind and loving mother and (ex)partner. kindness and loyalty are two of the best qualities in a human imho and it sounds like your ex is sorely lacking in both these days. you will get through this and you will be stronger at the end of it.

maybe your nine year old is feeling in need of some attention - it must be a pretty weird and unsettling time - and just felt your refusal to help was a refusal of attention. maybe you could use an online dictionary on the internet if you aren't confident of your own spelling. just tell him you are not very good yourself and that is why you hope he will study hard and do better and you'll help as much as you can.

best wishes.

ecgirl07

i too have spent the day wallpapering but it was more :mad: than :beer: but a positive.

I just wanted to post that no maths is impossible to the collective minds of Team Wendy on MSE. If you want post what the maths class is about and someone on here will help.

RacyRed

ecgirl07 wrote: »

i too have spent the day wallpapering but it was more :mad: than :beer: but a positive.

I just wanted to post that no maths is impossible to the collective minds of Team Wendy on MSE. If you want post what the maths class is about and someone on here will help.

:rotfl::rotfl::rotfl::rotfl::rotfl::rotfl::D


Wendy, I'd rather help your 9 y/o with his spelling if that is ok with you? Maths makes me shudder.... you really do have some guts to do a maths course.

Oh, and can we have a wallpapering workshop for Team Wendy please? I have to do some but don't have a clue

mineallmine

so glad to hear about the decorating. that really is a new broom and everything. keep at it. your kids will also enjoy it as it gives them something else to think about.

sounds like (againspeculating) that the gf has had enough of playing familiies and just wants him alone. its sad but happens so often. your kids will grow strong as a result of this. it is hardly unreasonable for them to want help. but something I have learnt is that if something isnt there it does your spirit or soul no good to keep banging at that door. when no one intends to open it.

so keep up with the decorating. I wish I could wallpaper, so I am v.impressed!

denton6

feels like there dady is now just walking away from the boys. he hasnt seen them all week only one text message sent yesterday and only cos 9 year old text him first. he has been on 7- 3 shift but because 9 year old said he didnt want to see his girlfriend he says the boys cant go round. normaly he would take them to school few days a week, this week no he cant do. i work 4 mornings sat sunday and two others which i get to choose. this week my mam has had to take them to school today and tomorrow aswell. dad is having them on sat sunday this week. my work starts early at 8 so have to get the boys up at least 7 to get them to my mams. we have parents evening tonight and he is coming with me.then i have a dr appointment at 5.20. when i made appointment last week i didnt really get a choice in the time as it was a sneeked in appointment but thought since he was coming to parents evening just the hour before he would prob be ok to have them. he did say sorry wasnt expecting to have them he had nothing planned but he couldnt do it. now tonight the boys are goig to have to go with my mam and dad cos they are both going for flu injections.iasked if he could give me a list of when he would like them to stay got about 6 days for next two months. thats great but then asked could i have the days when he was able to take them to school. got back god i was never satisfied and he would let me know when he could. was told i have to be flexible as those nights they can stay may change if he had to do overtime. i said boys should come before overtime and got back reply if i dont get overtime you can pay fro car insurance yourself and he will give me less money per month for boys.i asked for days for next week and was told he had already given me them. worried when at dr today he will need to see me again next week but no he says cant have them next week either. i need to go to work, im having to juggle everything about and dont even no what day im on sometimes. looks like it's all changed because 9 year old wants to just see daddy on his own with his brother and not with her there. she doesnt live there but oviously in there dads eyes she comes first. dont think meds have helped this week or if they have god only knows what state i would be in without them. i am really been that unfair to know in advance when he can do school run etc.just crying so much today and i miss sooty, times like this she was a great cat who would sit and let you cry and cuddle her.

space_rider

Wendy, sounds like the boys father is being awkward because he thinks you have told the 9 year old to say he wants to see his Dad on his own. You need to tell him that you have to know when he will have the boys as you have to work. My daughters always went to their Dads Thu-Sunday 3pm and I had them every 4th Sunday. That way everyone knew where they were.

I am surprised your GP didn`t prescribe something different due to when you need to come off them. I hope he hasn`t given you too many tablets. I know that you have been prescribed them but my worry is that not enough thought was given to prescribing them to you.

ecgirl07

Sounds like you just need to plan your life without him completely. Discount him from school runs and after school care. Pencil in the dates he said he would have the kids but assume at all other times he will not be there to help with the kids.

Not being reliant on him for child care will increase your independence in the long run and it leaves it all on him to find the time to build the relationship with his kids, which is where it should, YOU are not responsible for the relationship he has with the boys and HE is and the boys know this (having been in their position kids know what's what).

edit to echo post above, its maybe time to start thinking about structured access, so everybody knows where they stand.

denton6

have just cried my way through parents evening, part of me wishes i had gone on my own, boys are doing really well, just found it hard been around him tonight. he is a governor at the school and just think all the teachers think he is the perfect man who is always ther for the boys. got a text message before school telling me to stop thinking of me as his baby sitter. i dont he is there dad all i wanted was for him to watch them when i went to dr. dr only gave me a weeks supply so have taken the last one this morning. jsut feels so unfair having to ask my parents who are in there 70's and friends if they can help me some time. have telephone my solicitor going ahead with divorce but not gonna name her. feel like i am letting myself down by doing thid but naming her just drags the process out more. even after divorce i cant see how i will feel any different.

ninky_2

denton6 wrote: »

got a text message before school telling me to stop thinking of me as his baby sitter. i dont he is there dad all i wanted was for him to watch them when i went to dr.

er...and exactly how is he seeing you? he is assuming that you will take all the responsibility for the children and he'll just swan in and see them when he wants to. again, selfish. i can almost hear the gf's voice in the "babysitter" comment.

perhaps you both need to sit down with a neutral mediator (and the kids away) and work out what is best from your children.

if you weren't around, suddenly taken ill or something, who would he expect to look after his children?

i feel angry on your behalf wendy but you need to stay calm and mature. it's also time to tackle your nine year old. it's not for him to dictate the terms he will see his dad. i know they are probably terms that secretly please you (and who can blame you) but they are not right. his dad is still his parent and your son needs to see him as that. if that means accepting his dad has a new girlfriend so be it.

also, i don't mean this the wrong way but i hope you are not encouraging your nine year old to take this attitude because that will only backfire in the long run.