how to stop loving someone and let them go

denton6

hi he text yesterday asking if i would allow him to take the two little ones out for tea tonight with there big brother for birthday tea. i text yes i would let him take them once i checked with oldest he was ok with this. { agreement was already in place before now saying not friday as a contact day} , he text me before saying would pick up between half 6 and 7, to me this is way too late, we normally eat just after 5 and even on a friday night they dont go to bed very late. i said thats late and then got lots of stuff about it was that time or not at all. that i could tell the boys i was disallowing him to take themn out and if i was saying no to them going out then he wouldnt be my baby sitter tomorrow when i am at work. i dont think of him as there baby sitter he is there dad. i've said lots of times now we need to sort this out by mediation . reply i got back was not going with me and that mediation would love to no about me stopping him see his children. feel so trapped, yes boys need and want to see there dad , but when he isnt here they never bother to ask when he will next see them. feel we would all benefit from some routine in place. weeks ago when he aske to have boys stay over all this weekend i said no to sat overnight stay cos i wanted to take them to the local fireshow. got back reply if i was forbiding him to take them to the bonfire then he wasnt having them sunday either. he isnt missing out on fireshow cos he is going with her. reason he wont have them on sunday is cos she is staying over and would be rude to ask her to leave early on the sunday morning when he got boys. so said a big no to sunday then asked for them sunday afternoon. at this point i had organized my parent to have them when i'm at work till 12 ish and made plalns for the afternoon. he only wants to do the fun things, not everyday getting them out of bed, bathed, fed etc. he doesnt have set shift pattern, but i think it's only fair on us all, that i dont just let him pick and choose his days. he says he needs to get a balance right so he can work, spend time with her and time with boys. this is a man who says boys come first everytime.

denton6

would go for the idea of another mobile number but we still need to have contact to organize days when he wants to have boys, stay over or tea etc.they are 7 and 9. i have tried to sort it by email arrangements but then he said his internet wasnt working so he couldnt get it, or we then argue about arrangments i have asked for by text. only way i do think we can do it now is by someone official , that way neither of us can change the arrangements unless in an emergency. maybe i should just give in and say yes to all the contact times and dates he says, but them i think why should i he walked away to be the part time dad, i should get a choice in it all aswell. does this sound really unfair of me.

consultant31

No Wendy, I don't think it sounds unfair. I think everyone involved, you, him and the children would benefit from knowing well in advance where the children will be at a specific time on a specific day.

As to the birthday tea - a little later to bed wouldn't hurt for once would it? Especially when it's their big brother's birthday. Perhaps they could have alittle snack when they get home from school to make sure they aren't ravenous by the time they get the proper meal.

I hope it works out ok - I'm sure it will get better with time, but he has to stop being petty and messing about with the "if you don't do this, I won't do that".....it all sounds very childish

Caroline_a

I would sit down and work out a list of potential 'flashpoints.' These will be his birthday, the boys' birthdays, Easter, and of course, the biggie, Christmas. Then you need to decide what you want on these times, that is also fair to him.

Go through each one, and then make a seperate list to show him, with tighter 'controls', so for example, if you are happy for him to see them all day + overnight on his birthday, say 'your birthday they can come for tea'. Then if/when he argues, you have some leeway to give in and then be the good guy...

If I were you though I would make sure Christmas is tied down and set in stone - have seen far too many people fighting over Christmas access, when the kids are used as the rope in a tug of war. And for some reason people also compete for 'who can give the best present'... Kid's arent stupid, and they will take advantage of this, which of course does nobody any good.

denton6

hi caroline, i have already said i want the boys here on christmas day plus the two older ones are coming home then, i did suggest if he wants to come and see them open there presents then i would be ok with that, but at this moment in time i cant see that happening without ruining christmas day for us all. i have spoken to mediation and i told them he has said no way on earth is he going to sit through mediation with me now. they said they will rewrite to him and if he doesnt want to come it will go back to solicitor, which is gonna work out expensive for us both. he says he doesnt have a set shift pattern which i do know , but he does have some shifts in advance. he has already told me he has christmas day off this year which is abit of a joke in itself, since he has been in this job he has never once been off christmas day. my thought are that he already has plans worked out with her this year so he wont take up the offer of seeing boys open their presents.

thorsoak

If he does not attend mediation then he will have to pay for his divorce - if you attend then you probably will not have to.

My son was happy to attend mediation - even arranged to travel 50-odd miles so that it would be at a centre closer to his ex-wife - she chose not to attend. His divorce was funded - or cost a lot less - because he was prepared to go to mediation.

denton6

well boys all back home, he just dropped them off. so hard but i put a happy face on and asked if they have had a good time, didnt ask where they had been though. best go and spend bit of time with them before bed. they came back in and went straight to get the guinea pig out. thanks all. been on here does help

rachel6188

hi wendy,
glad things are getting better. i hope he stops acting childish and i hope he sets some set times to see the children. take care. rachel xox

beachbaby_2

Hi, Wendy. Hope today is better for you. My DH has been a bit absent this week. When I questioned him about it he said it's because he doesn't want to put too much pressure on eldest DD (She is really struggling at the moment). Which is fair enough - I hope he now realises what he has done to them, not just me. To be honest with you (and I have told him - gently) they have been more settled and happy this week. Doesn't make it terribly easy for me as I dont get any time off, but whatever makes them happy at the moment. Anyway I wont ramble on. Will call you later. Look after yourself. X

denton6

boys are staying with there dad tonight so trying to do some tiding. have made two apple crumbles one for tea tomorrow and one to freeze and some flapjack. my scales broke so had to guess the weights but it looks ok, have sorted through a box and have recycled our engagemnet and wedding cards. that was hard to do but something i think i need to do to progress. have also sorted through alot of photos mainly of the boys when they were born, younger etc to give to him. so heartbreaking. had councilling on tue i have been swapped to someone else. the lady i have been seeing is only supossed to be for about 8 sessions and i've had her for about 18 already. just got to wait for my new appointment to come through. have booked pantomine tickets for dec for me and two little ones, i won £66 pound on the bonus ball at work so wanted to spend it on something nice. weather awful here , but at the moment i'm not feeling to bad.