how to stop loving someone and let them go

mineallmine

Hia, I think it is real easy for us sitting here to give advice as we are not emotinally involved. I gotta admit that if my bloke went off with some 'girl' near the age of your eldest son I would find this really, really hard. On so many levels. But the thing is, he must have had itchy feet, so stop putting all the blame on her, she was quite literally an easy lay, but you don't know for sure that she was the first or last of many.
Plus she can never ever take away your boys. But look at it from ther point of view - they do still love their dad and want to see him - so it would be cruel of you to stop or block that.
I really feel for you still and I know I find it hard to say uncomfortable things to you. But... do the cliche thing of get yourself in shape (physically, mentally, spritiually) and live. It's time to stop morning the loss, your boys are going through all this with you, think about the example of a strong mum you want them to see - now is your time to shine.

mineallmine

And finally, I'm a great believer in the uplifting power of music, so here's a favourite. Some people may think they are corny, but I think they are beautiful:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tms-ayMYzb8 (Proud)

And here's a video from an american guy from the US, called Wayne Dyer, again not to everyone's taste but just take a listen:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=urQPraeeY0w

denton6

have changed my mobile number and am not giving him my new one. he can contact me by email , house phone or through the boys phone. everytime i got text my heart starting going really fast especially when i saw it was from him. he told me i was a kill joy and that i never did like people enjoying themselves and having fun. that was it i realise now what he really thinks about me. just want him to stop hurting. this was all after i have agreed a week he can take the boys on holiday next year and also agreeing for him to take the boys to a pantomine with himself and her. i said boys were having enough hurt and we needed to talk got back yes they have been hurt but only one of us was stopping us all moving on. really hate him, only wish we never had to see or hear from each other again.

Sublime_2

Move on hun.

RacyRed

Let the bitterness go now Wendy xxx

mineallmine

denton6 wrote: »

have changed my mobile number and am not giving him my new one. he can contact me by email , house phone or through the boys phone. everytime i got text my heart starting going really fast especially when i saw it was from him. he told me i was a kill joy and that i never did like people enjoying themselves and having fun. that was it i realise now what he really thinks about me. just want him to stop hurting. this was all after i have agreed a week he can take the boys on holiday next year and also agreeing for him to take the boys to a pantomine with himself and her. i said boys were having enough hurt and we needed to talk got back yes they have been hurt but only one of us was stopping us all moving on. really hate him, only wish we never had to see or hear from each other again.

Glad you have your own safe number now. :A Those true colours are showing and of course he is all the time trying to justify his actions. Now you need to start planning what you can do during that week they are away - do up a room with a friend? Have a good clear out? Just lay in the back garden topping up your tan?

dotx

Nine months is a long time to keep holding on to so much rage. It's really not healthy. You're only bringing pain to yourself and the kids. Obviously it's not making him any less happy, so all you're doing is making YOUR life worse. I know how you feel. I've been there.

I believe what another poster said --being happy is the best revenge. Get on with your life. If anything, find a way to keep yourself busy so you don't have time to obsess and think about him all the time. Do things you like, for yourself. Take a class, join a book or a wine or a walking club. A few years from now, all this will be just like a bad dream and it's up to you to decide just how long the nightmare is.

It's ok to be sad and heartbroken. I was for a very long time. I had the fortune that there are no kids, so I told them to get lost and never contact me again and that really helped. Having him completely gone out of my life helped with the healing. Maybe you can try doing that the best you can. I know you can't tell him to disappear because you have kids, but you can ask him to only contact you when there's something very important to discuss. Tell him he has to give you specific times for taking the boys and he has to stick to those times. Don't let him tell you it's not convenient to arrange this in advance. If you went to court and a judge decided on visiting times, he would give specific days (Mondays and Wednesdays, kids must be picked up by 9am or something like that) and he would have to live with it. So do the same. Let him choose the days/time and then stick to the schedule. That way you don't have to be always worrying about him contacting you at the last minute.

In fact, it might be a good idea to find a mediator (is there such thing in the UK?; sorry, I'm from the US). A professional (even a lawyer) who will arrange these things for you. That way there's no need for you to discuss this with him and get aggravated. And once is arranged, there's no need for more screaming and calling each other names. If he breaks the schedule, his loss. He doesn't get to see the kids again until the next scheduled visit. If he cares about his children, he'll keep it up.

denton6

i really do wish i could forget and move on,i just wish i never had to see or hear from him again, but that wont be the case because of boys.he refused to go to mediation and because of the shifts he works we cant have set days when he sees the boys. he had them stay after school wednesday night and took them to school thur morning next time he will see them is this friday after 7.30 pm when he finishes work. i have tried to do something different ie joined maths and english group, seems like most of us are doing the course for the same reasons, one girl has tried to kill herself and another has had her husband leave her for someone else aswell and is very angry and upset too, cant seem to get away from reminders.was at councilling nearly two weeks ago and she has thought it best i move on to one of the longer term councillors. should have been back this tue but as yet no new appointment has came through yet. i receive letter yesterday that is the same my dr will recieve about how my councilling has gone, didnt make good reading, reading it made me cry even more. i know they prob have to send the letter out they send to you dr but reading it just upset me more when i saw what she had put. but what she had put was only the truth. not back to dr till following week now as going once a fortnight at the moment. not on any meds but he said he just needs to keep a eye on me for the moment. still not really eating but dont feel hungry but am making sure the boys are. christmas now just seems to close how can i turn this all around and stop the tears, he emailed me the other day saying he wants boys to open presents from him and his family at his house and also he wants a present at his from santa too. tradition in our house has always been the boys recieved a present from santa , not sure how two little ones will think about santa delivering presnts to dads house aswell when they dont really live there. there again they may just be happy they have a extra present. i realise people are getting fed up with me going over and over the same thing all the time and only i can change this but at the moment i just cant get there. sorry

clearingout

Hello Wendy,
I have dipped in and out of this thread but haven't read from beginning to end. I have just had the second anniversary of my ex walking out on me so I know how you feel and how hard it can be to get everything into perspective and get yourself into a place where 'moving on' is a possiblity.

I just wanted to say that whilst it's helpful to have so much support, it's not helpful (however well intentioned) to have people telling you to 'move on'. 25 years is a long time. The general belief is that it takes around one month for every year you were with someone to 'get over it'. At the 9 month mark, you perhaps have quite a long way to go still. You also shouldn't feel obliged to feel better or 'move on' because others think you should - the only way of getting over this is to get through it. You have to plough right through the middle of it, there's no skirting around the edges and dipping your toes in it, you just have to go through it. I think you know that, however.

Wanting revenge is normal. Just make it healthy revenge. People are right in that the best revenge you will ever get is living well and getting on with your life. Exs who have had affairs and are living in the middle of another rotten relationship because they've never faced up to the reasons the last one broke down can't stand it when they can see that you're genuinely happy. My ex picked the boys up late on Thursday last week deliberately because he knows I go out when he has them. I quite literally opened the door in my glad rags, pushed the boys out, left the door open whilst I grabbed my coat and drove past them whilst they getting into the car. You should have seen his face - THAT is my revenge! And more amusingly, I actually only went to Asda and then to the pub with my mum for a quick drink. But he doesn't know that, does he?!!!!

From what I have read your ex is much like mine - will do anything to make life difficult and is playing the reeling you in and casting you aside game. It takes a while to get your head round that but when you do, you'll find strategies for dealing with it and coping. I am a huge believer in the 'no contact' rule. Stop yourself every time you send a text or e-mail or pick up the phone to talk to him. Do you need to do it? Really? Is the world going to fall apart if you don't? Will it wait till next week when perhaps you have 4 other things that need to be discussed with him? They get a kick out of contact because it shows you still care about them. So if they call you a name and your face drops or the tone of your voice changes, they know they got to you. So take that kick away.

It has taken me a long, long time to gain some control. Sometimes he is still able to get the better of me. But it's less often and over less important things. I am also able to get it into perspective more quickly and deal with the upset it causes. I no longer go to bed thinking about him and don't wake up thinking about him. And no, there is no one else in my life - I have just moved myself along as best I can.

Take care of yourself - no one else is going to. And try www.wikivorce.com for support, particularly the chat room which was a life line to me in the first year. PM me if you want to chat. xxxx

dotx

The thing is, you're setting yourself up for failure. If the group you were in didn't work, then you move on to another one. And when you do, don't tell anybody your story. Otherwise it will open the door to talking about it again and you'll be in the same situation. Say you're separated or are a single mom and leave it at that.

In the end, nobody can get you out of where you are but you. If you're having such a difficult time, maybe you need medication for depression? I was on it before the breakup and I know it played a part on me surviving through those first few months. In fact, it kept me alive and going, even when I thought it wasn't possible. Sadness is normal, but if you're still crying all the time, then you might need something to get you out of the "hole." Have you discussed this with your doctor? If she hasn't suggested it, why don't you bring it up and talk about it?

It's not going to be easy to move on from the pain. You're not going to forget him in just a few months. The important thing is that you take small positive steps EVERY DAY, even if you're iin incredible pain. At the end, the steps add up and you'll see progress.