how to stop loving someone and let them go

denton6

beachbaby wrote: »

Wendy, please go easy on yourself and remember that you will have good and bad days. I have been lucky, today was a positive day for me and he hasn't even been gone a month! Yet two days ago I felt like I couldn't go on. Keep busy and look after yourself and your boys.
One thing that has helped me is going back to my maiden name. I can't really explain it but it was something I just had to do. I also didn't realise that I can be a "Miss" again. I assumed I would still be classed as Mrs or Ms.
Love and hugs.

hi i think i wiil need to keep my married name, when we had our oldest boys we werent married at the time but took there dads surname, they are 22, and 18 so i dont really think i could ask them to change there name, plus two lttle ones have this surname cos we were married when they were born. just feel if i could run away and never come back the hurt will be gone, but it wont will it, the same crap would still be here when i came back. why can one day feel ok and the next i just want the world to end.

Valli

Hun

it's a grieving process you will go through with the added issue of the person you are grieving for 'getting on' with his life.

The future you thought you had has been snatched from you.

But you will have a new future one day and the hurt will go. I wish you peace on that journey.

beachbaby_2

Yes, It is amazing how emotions can change so quickly. I know how you feel. Some mornings I just know I will feel dreadful all day before I open my eyes (usually at a ridiculously early hour). As for the name, well it's different for everyone, not everybody wants to change it. I did ask my kids how they felt about it (if they had wanted me to stay the same as them I would have), but they said it was absolutely fine. I just feel like 'new life, new me'.

squidge60

denton6 wrote: »

having a bad day, knew what it was gonna be like as soon as i got up i started to cry. have recieved a letter from solicitor asking for her name and address because i am going to name her in the divorce, solicitor thinks i shouldnt but i feel otherwise she has got away with tearing my family apart. have give ex lots of grief by text again, when i get like this i know i shouldnt but i react badly. want this nightmare to end but dont see that being in the near future. have just picked boys up from kids club and have managed to upset them both to. dad's that just walk away, he gets it so easy. starting to worry now about paying my bills and christmas. christmas is never gonna be the same again. have already explained to boys that this year they wont be getting lots. for gods sake they are 9 and 7 why cant christmas mean treats. sorry for letting you all down. the only positive i can think of ................... oh god cant think of even a tiny one right now.

You will feel bad somedays but i think you are looking to far ahead Tbh you would be better not feeling so angry towards the other woman he only strayed because he wanted to (sorry i know its harsh but true ) Holding onto the feelings you feel are so bad for you and the boys (they are going to remember so much of this please try to think of that and put yourself in their position ) It sounds like alot of your feelings are anger/bitterness and its tearing you apart i dont know what to suggest (it sounds like you have let it completely take over your life).Sorry i wish i had some answers x

RacyRed

denton6 wrote: »

having a bad day, knew what it was gonna be like as soon as i got up i started to cry. have recieved a letter from solicitor asking for her name and address because i am going to name her in the divorce, solicitor thinks i shouldnt but i feel otherwise she has got away with tearing my family apart. have give ex lots of grief by text again, when i get like this i know i shouldnt but i react badly. want this nightmare to end but dont see that being in the near future. have just picked boys up from kids club and have managed to upset them both to. dad's that just walk away, he gets it so easy. starting to worry now about paying my bills and christmas. christmas is never gonna be the same again. have already explained to boys that this year they wont be getting lots. for gods sake they are 9 and 7 why cant christmas mean treats. sorry for letting you all down. the only positive i can think of ................... oh god cant think of even a tiny one right now.

You are allowed to have bad days, of course you are... but in private and out of sight of your boys.

By giving your ex grief, being so bitter about "her" and upsetting your boys, you showing a complete lack of control and letting your grief turn you to bitterness and recrimination again. You CAN do better than that.

Whats with explaining to the boys that they won't be getting lots for Christmas this year? Their Christmas will be what YOU make it! You are using this to turn them against their Father, making him responsible for anything and everything negative in their lives, including a miserable, bitter Mum. Is that what you want? And is that fair on them? Yeah, he is to blame, but that is between you and him alone.

Stop with the "woe is me" stuff Wendy, it doesn't do you any good. Try thumping hell out of a pillow instead - much more theraputic.

mineallmine

Hi denton6, now before you next post anything - anything - you must list at least one positive.

One of mine is having good friends. You are getting stronger, you really are. You recognise the less good behaviour now. You realise if you upset your boys - so your world is expanding again to see how you live your life and your attitude impacts others.

You have inner strength - tap into it. Stop giving yourself to your husband and his new life. Its time to build your life and frankly let him see what he is missing. And see you moving on.

beachbaby_2

RacyRed, I know you mean well but it isn't easy trying to hold it all together. I, like Wendy, know I shouldn't break down in front of my kids and I really try had not to but when you are the one looking after them most of the time it unfortunately does happen. There isn't much 'private' time - he gets that!
We will get there though, and thats what matters. x

ecgirl07

Wendy start viewing his phone as a business number. You are in the business of divorcing him and arranging a happy childhood for the boys. That is it.

No more personal texts to him. The only result is you will feel like an idiot. There is nothing positive to be gained from it.

Either that or take his number out your phone and keep it on a bit of paper so you have to type in the number to send texts etc. this will give you a bit of "thinking" time which means you wont send the texts.

so todays positives is taking control of your phone

RacyRed

beachbaby wrote: »

RacyRed, I know you mean well but it isn't easy trying to hold it all together. I, like Wendy, know I shouldn't break down in front of my kids and I really try had not to but when you are the one looking after them most of the time it unfortunately does happen. There isn't much 'private' time - he gets that!
We will get there though, and thats what matters. x

I know Hun. I honestly do know how hard it is. That is why I keep coming back here and nagging in such a painful fashion. Sometimes the obvious needs repeating until it is second nature. I've been on the receiving end myself so I have been thinking very hard before posting.

It looks as if I'm causing too much pain now though, which is not my intention, so I'll go back to reading but not posting on this thread.

And I know that both you and Wendy will get there.

denton6

RacyRed wrote: »

I know Hun. I honestly do know how hard it is. That is why I keep coming back here and nagging in such a painful fashion. Sometimes the obvious needs repeating until it is second nature. I've been on the receiving end myself so I have been thinking very hard before posting.

It looks as if I'm causing too much pain now though, which is not my intention, so I'll go back to reading but not posting on this thread.

And I know that both you and Wendy will get there.

hi please dont stop posting, sometimes you have to seem cruel to be kind.they are with there dad now, he came round at 7.40 this morning so i could go to work, he cant even say hello to me anymore. yes i feel very bitter and prob until this goes i wont start to feel much better. positives i went to work and never cried. i must look so bad at work cos i have stared chewing chewing gum, it helps to stop me crying . oh dear x