how to stop loving someone and let them go

denton6

well i totally lost the plot last night, kids told me she had stayed when they had stayed to and 9 year old said he didnt want her there. turns out he has said it was ok for her to stay cos she was already there and they thought they would get sent back home. not sure how he thinks a 9 and 7 year old can really make those desicions. i took the boys round to his and have met her, i was pretty calm, she didnt have any answers and actually didnt seem to care one bit. today i feel abit stronger, yes i need to put my boys first and hopefully i can do that now. i just wish for that one night that he had them that she didnt feel she should stay. hard enough for the boys at the moment. he came round this morning to get boys up for school while i went to work, my friend said just say hello and be polite to him. i did that but he didnt speak and looked really really angry. last night i tried to keep hold of him, he told me to let go or he would make me let go. i really wanted him to hit me, how stupid is that he has never ever laid a finger on me. he said he would not physically hurt me but mentally he would. so nice. so far today i havent cried hope this is the turn in the road. thanks for the replies, some do hurt but yes i can see where you are coming from. thankyou

dumpy

Right, deep breath.

Her staying over has nothing to do with you anymore. Not a thing.

Yes, your boys didn't want her there but they probably want everything to go back to how it was when Mum and Dad stayed together as that is what they are used to and that is what feels safe.

But you and I and everyone else here, reading your thread knows that isn't going to happen.

If she was harming the boys then yes it's a problem but it doesn't sound like that? She was just there and they just wanted their Dad?


The boys will make their own minds up about your ex, if they feel that he's putting her above them they wil resent him but thats between them and him, and them and him only.

All you can do is support them as they make their own minds up but don't try and make their minds up for them or tell your ex what to do.


On a practical note, have you rung the utilities and sky etc yet and got your bills sorted out?


If you want something to really wind up your ex (and you'd have to be non human not to want to get back at him some way) what you need to do is to show that you are really coping without him.

So change the bills and stop asking him to sort things out. Ignore his relationship and be polite as your friends say. Have a hair do, wear some make up if you don't normally, dress up smartly.

Be the person about whom others say "I can't think why he left her, look at her she gorgeous, funny, attractive, smart, confident. What an utter plonker!"

Be the mum about whom your sons say "Dad did something really awful but she picked herself up and showed that you can deal with anything that life throws at you. She is such an inspiration to us in our school/college/niversity work. We are so proud of her being there for us when we needed it"


And remember the mantra for today is "shucks to you mate"

Michelin

Wendy, I have followed this thread and firstly I have to say that it is such a painful thing that you are going through and I totally understand how you are feeling but you do need to start taking some control as others have said.

Please, please make the children your priority at the moment (you can have your weak moments when they are in bed, or moan to your friends or us on here). You have said that he is a good dad and he is still a good dad - it is you and him that are splitting up not him and the children. They are too young to be caught in the middle of this and it must be very confusing and worrying for them. Try not to criticise their dad or his partner in front of them - it just adds to their anxiousness. As I said, he left you not them (not trying to be harsh just realistic). When I was in this situation, I can honestly say that I never said a bad word about my son's dad - and stil don't to this day - and I just felt it was not fair on him - it was the marriage that had broken down not our role as parents.

I think you may need to have more regular counselling as you are still very bitter, tearful and desperate - all that is totally to be expected but you have to try and move on and make a new, better life for yourself. He has moved on and as hard as that is for you to accept particularly as you didn't want this, that is the reality and you now have to both concentrate on your joint role as parents moving forward and you and your life.

I hope this isn't coming across as hard and unfeeling as that is not how it is meant, honestly. Just think you need help to move forward and make a new and happy life for you and your children.

xxx

ninky_2

denton6 wrote: »

y. last night i tried to keep hold of him, he told me to let go or he would make me let go. i really wanted him to hit me, how stupid is that he has never ever laid a finger on me. he said he would not physically hurt me but mentally he would. so nice.

wendy you are in the wrong over this. no nice way to say it. you cannot force people to do what you want them to do - physically or otherwise. not letting someone go when they don't want to be held not only shows a lack of respect for the other person but also a lack of respect for yourself.

you need to get a grip before you give him anymore reasons to feel glad he left you. sorry. at some point you have to stop feeling sorry for yourself and take responsibility for your own life.

mineallmine

Wow look at all these people willing you on. Amazing! Find some inner strength - it is in there - and start nurturing yourself. A really early night for everyone can really help. Buy some of your favourite food. As I write this I am telling myself this stuff too.
And you must stop assessing your boys and how they behave towards her. They are just kids, trying desperately to fit in with it all. Now get off of here and go and nurture yourself and your family. Go!

RacyRed

denton6 wrote: »

well i totally lost the plot last night, kids told me she had stayed when they had stayed to and 9 year old said he didnt want her there. turns out he has said it was ok for her to stay cos she was already there and they thought they would get sent back home. not sure how he thinks a 9 and 7 year old can really make those desicions. i took the boys round to his and have met her, i was pretty calm, she didnt have any answers and actually didnt seem to care one bit. today i feel abit stronger, yes i need to put my boys first and hopefully i can do that now. i just wish for that one night that he had them that she didnt feel she should stay. hard enough for the boys at the moment. he came round this morning to get boys up for school while i went to work, my friend said just say hello and be polite to him. i did that but he didnt speak and looked really really angry. last night i tried to keep hold of him, he told me to let go or he would make me let go. i really wanted him to hit me, how stupid is that he has never ever laid a finger on me. he said he would not physically hurt me but mentally he would. so nice. so far today i havent cried hope this is the turn in the road. thanks for the replies, some do hurt but yes i can see where you are coming from. thankyou

You took your boys round to witness a confrontation between you and your husband's girlfriend?

Wendy! Tell me I read that wrong. Tell me you didn't do such a heartless thing to your kids!

Of course the girl didn't have any answers - you didn't have any real questions! Her staying overnight or not is none of your business.

mineallmine

And denton6 is now offline - hope you find some peace and nurture you and the kids.

RacyRed

I'm so very sorry my words were so harsh Wendy, but... why did you do that? I honestly don't understand what you hoped to achieve?

Please, please, please hun, stop torturing yourself.

denton6

so many mixed posts, yes i am really that bad a mother that i did take them round to confront her, they were in the other room but yes i did that to my boys. he didnt just leave me he did choice to leave the boys to , he said he liked been on his own, so many lies. wish i really could be strong for my boys why would they want to stay here with me when im like this, i feel so bitter , cant stop crying and now am not eating. girl at work said no way do i need to lose any weight and my work pants looked like a sack on my bum, i dont feel hungry and just want to punish myself i suppose. i really am a bad person now i can see that, i havent put the boys first only myself. what kind of mam is that. i really dont think i can or want to carry on. dont have counclling till next week and dr appointment still way off but really what can i achieve by going to either. i must have been such a crap wife, but i really didnt know, thought my life was complete and we were happy. he never gave me any reason to think different untill the taxt arrived that wasnt for me. why do i keep putting myself and boys through this . i just cant seem to turn a cornor just when i think i have a get something else that i cant deal with. think boys would be better off with there dad, maybe the kindest thing for me to do for them is let them go to.

ecgirl07

STOP BEATING YOURSELF UP

you were a good wife and mother and your marriage was a happy one - thats why its hurts so much. BUT people change and and circumstances change and yes your husband left you. This ends that chapter of your life. A new chapter is opening up for you to make the most of it.

Do something positive every day, change the account names, change something in the house, spend quality happy time with the boys left at home, go for a walk to create some positive energy. Start faking happiness, and eventually the real thing will start creeping in a little more every day.