how to stop loving someone and let them go

ninky_2

wendy i think you are doing what most people do when they are in the first stages of grief. they think over and over the situation subconsciously hopiing that it will change the outcome. it's almost as if you feel that by replaying the events over and over you can find the tipping point moment and so compute how you can make it all better again. personally i think it's even harder when the person leaves than a death because in your mind you know they are still out there and so you somehow think you can make it work again. of course you can't share this with friends and family because beyond a certain point you know how ridiculous it is and by voicing it in public you would have to acknowlege your futile hopes.

i think it might help you if you can get your GP to refer you for some counselling. i had some after my relationship broke down when my partner finally left me for the new person they had been cheating on me with - and it did help.

just remember that whatever you are feeling has been felt by many many others before. and they survived it. it's not nice and no one would choose it but you can come out the other side a better person.

denton6

hi i have been going to councilling, my next session is on monday, i was there nearly a month ago and it all felt so positive the counciller even asked did i want another appointment. i thought with son going to uni i may need the extra support so agreed to a month appointment.it is so mad i know i couldnt have him back, even though he doesnt want me anyway, but dont want her to have him either. i start my new maths and english course next week only for a few hours but will give me something to focus on. i really wish he would move away then i wouldnt happen to see him out and about, i did ask him if he would but he said he wouldnt. he could prob quite easy get transfered with his job cos he is a paramedic and he could take her with him. but them i would be depriving my boys of the chance to see there dad. want nighmare to end and hopefully see some brighter future. thanks for replies it really does help right now.

dumpy

Me again

I notice in your last post that you asked him to move away, again you are asking him to do things for you. It puts you in the weaker position.

If he did move away presumably you'd then be stuck running the boys back and forth to see him? You'd also be giving him a great big stick to beat you with:- "I can't see you so often boys as she made me move away" Don't give him that ammunition!

Now is the time to say shucks to you mate, I'm not "asking" you to do anything.

Time to start saying "this is what is happening" and "I'm doing it because I want to".

If you see him, hold your head up high. Get used to walking looking ahead so you can look through him if you meet and you can't cope with acknowledging him.

Be disinterested in any gossip, rise above it (although being human you'd bound to be dying to know, I do appreciate that).

So with your work mate, pass off the comment in a disinterested manner "oh really" then move the conversation on, talk about something positive to you, "I'm really looking forward to my new college course, I've been thinking that I need to stretch myself and this is just what I need"

When I signed up for my first course I was absolutely terrified. I wore trousers so people couldn't see my knees knocking together. I was convinced that I would be the worst person there and wouldn't cope with the work. When I got there, I discovered we were all terrified and it made me feel much better and people got to know me. Not part of x and y but me. Talk about a confidence boost!


Just think you'll be able to compare notes on your new course with your son, compare the facilities the college has and what the tutor is like. Won't this be a much better conversation on the phone than skirting round being upset?

mineallmine

dumpy is right, you need to stop giving him ammunition. He probably gets off on it, thinking look how good I am, pull this bird half my age (yer let's give that a few years at the most and her head will turn) and here's my desperate ex soon to be wife.

you need to move from grief stricken. nothing will change. only you can change. why not do some of the challenges on this site to take your mind off things for a little bit? I've been doing decluttering, there's grocery challenges, there's find 5 positive things each day - you'll find lots of these over Old Style Moneysaving - why not pop over and have a look.

every time you feel tempted to play the victim with him - just imagine him or her new bit of stuff talking about it - I know this is a harsh image but there's every likelihood it's a true one - dont give them any more of you. And dont let petty work colleagues come and frankly gloat either - dismiss it like dumpy says. Say something blisteningly hard like... he'll be hanging outside of the sixth form next or something else dismissive.

Please keep posting. You will have good and bad weeks. Good to see you stillhave counselling too.

YoungandGorgeous

Hi Wendy

You must be strong and move forwards. You can do it and must. You have 2 gorgeous boys and they need you.
Sending hugs
xxx

RacyRed

denton6 wrote: »

hi i have been going to councilling, my next session is on monday, i was there nearly a month ago and it all felt so positive the counciller even asked did i want another appointment. i thought with son going to uni i may need the extra support so agreed to a month appointment.it is so mad i know i couldnt have him back, even though he doesnt want me anyway, but dont want her to have him either. i start my new maths and english course next week only for a few hours but will give me something to focus on. i really wish he would move away then i wouldnt happen to see him out and about, i did ask him if he would but he said he wouldnt. he could prob quite easy get transfered with his job cos he is a paramedic and he could take her with him. but them i would be depriving my boys of the chance to see there dad. want nighmare to end and hopefully see some brighter future. thanks for replies it really does help right now.

Wendy, I've not posted on your thread before but hve been following it all along, wishing you and your children well.

But now you are losing my sympathy. Wendy you really are wallowing in your grief. You now sound as if you are being very selfish and uncaring of anyone but yourself, yes, even your children. Your grief appears to come first now, not the kids, your family, your friends or even yourself. It sounds like it has taken on a life of its own and is consuming you. What does that say about you? Is this how you want people to think of you?

You said months ago that your ex admitted that he had done all the running in his new relationship, yet you are so very, very bitter about this girl. Why? What the hell does she know at her age? What kid that age deliberately goes after an older man? Not very many, and not usually for his nice personality. Stop blaming her and being so bitter, it will only make things worse. Stop expecting your ex to take responsibility for your pain. Yes, it was his fault but it is YOUR pain and it is past time you dealt with it.

Stop dwelling on the past Wendy. Stop torturing yourself by putting yourself in situations which make you cry. Stuff everything that makes you cry straight into a large box in the attic out of sight. Make as many changes to your house as you can. Make it YOUR home, not the place you used to share with your ex. If you cannot do that, then think about moving house.

The only way things will improve now is if YOU start to make the changes Wendy. Nobody else can do that and you have to want to do it. Are you ready to REALLY start moving on with your life or are you going to allow your grief to turn you into a bitter and resentful woman? The choice is yours, and ony yours. What your husband did was cruel, but you are the one who gets to choose what you do about it. Accept what has happened and move on or spend the rest of your life wailing "woe is me" Sorry, that was very harsh but I really think it needed saying.

These are purely my views and I know you will either take note or ignore them, again the choice is yours.

Good luck to you Wendy.

beachbaby_2

Hope you are OK today.
I know I begin to feel a little better when I get on with the practical things. I have now sorted out almost all the bills (except sky), My solicitors appointment is on Tuesday, and I should receive my name change forms today (I did ask the kids how they would feel having a different name to me first). It is so very hard but my way of trying to move on. I think like me you have been a good wife and put your husband and family first for so long that it feels wrong to just be thinking about yourself. Be kind to yourself. X

Juneno

Hi Wendy,
I really feel for you girl, but you do need to start sticking your fingers up to him and to show him 'so what' I can do it without you! Even if you don't feel it just now. Eventually you'll wonder why you ever thought you needed him!
Open new accounts for your utilities and anything else in his name - if they get shirty about it being the same address, then tell them you want your own accounts and he's refusing to phone them. Don't give him any power over you anymore.
Go to your new course and build your self confidence by doing new things and making new friends.
If people make comments about seeing him and the bint, then just smile and say 'am I supposed to care?'
You are, I'm sure, a lovely woman who didn't deserve this but you are also your own self, and a woman who obviously has a good brain (maths! eek!) so get out there and make yourself and your kids proud! :T
Take care
June

ninky_2

denton6 wrote: »

i really wish he would move away then i wouldnt happen to see him out and about, i did ask him if he would but he said he wouldnt.

tbh wendy i don't know how much that would really help. i moved back to the opposite side of the world from my ex (we had both gone to live in nz) and it still took a long time to properly get over. tbh i'm not sure you ever can properly 'get over' some sorts of breakups. i think you just learn to get on and weave the reality of what's happened into your life in a way that is less destructive and helps rather than hinders you.

ninky_2

wendy i thought this link about the stages of grief might help you. it's important to note that you don't always go through them in a linear way. sometimes you go back and forth between stages. as you can see the final stage is 'acceptance'. this doesn't mean that everything will be better - far from it - but you get some mental peace from realising the situation is how it it and accepting it.

http://www.memorialhospital.org/library/general/stress-the-3.html