Too young to have my baby?

ceridwen

Cait2 wrote: »

Thank you westiea... so much to consider but as abortion....well that's not an option for very long as said so not much time...

But - as DVardysShadow points out - you have all the way through to birth to decide whether to keep the child or no - as adoption is also a possibility.

however - I wouldnt recommend the adoption option personally - as, by then, other people might be putting all sorts of pressure/expectations on you to keep the baby if they see you going through with the pregnancy.

Adoption tended to be the option taken back some decades ago - and the pregnant woman stayed somewhere else in the country during the pregnancy (probably partly for the very practical reason of preventing anyone she knew at the outset from putting any pressure/assumptions on her to keep the baby once it was born after all).

I would imagine that a sense of "unfinished business" would tend to linger in the mind of anyone who had a child adopted as well - the wondering what they were like/what they were doing/if they would make contact once they were an adult/etc. An abortion would mean there wouldnt be those sort of considerations - the situation would have been resolved once and for all and you could get on with the rest of your life.

ceridwen

Cait2 wrote: »

Thank you everybody *group hug*

Read all of your posts again. I'm living with my parents right now and I'm going to be while I get a proper job, and I will probably loan money from my parents. I don't want to move to somewhere that I wouldn't want to bring a child up in so I'm in no rush to leave home. I have the whole upstairs of my house if my 22 year old brother ever moves out (roll on the summer, woot woot!! ).

I won't give up my education at all!! I know how vital that is for me and little one.

One thing to bear in mind - dont rely on your brother moving out - he may not. On the other hand - he might and you heave a sigh of relief - but he then moves back in again (because he discovered he couldnt afford to live on his own after all). Many younger people live at home with parents for far longer than my (woman of a "certain age":D) generation. Us Baby Boomers expected to move out in our early 20s and once we HAD moved out we stayed out living independently. The teens/20s generation now will have to wait a lot longer than we did before they are settled in homes of their own. Buying a house is a lot more expensive for your generation than it was for mine. Also my generation, as I recall, were on full adult income at 21 - your generation isnt entitled to full benefit (if unemployed) or full NMW wage (if in an unskilled job) until 25. So - dont count on your brother having full income until he is 25. Dont count on your brother moving out before his 30s. BTW - what does your brother think about this? Would he resent the demands a baby would put on a household? (he would also get woken up by the crying baby and might be expected to be left "holding the baby" when he has other plans for his time).

ceridwen

Fang wrote: »

Not the eating. Eat all your like. It was the hoping that her brother moves out because she wants his space. I suppose I'm old fashioned in thinking that you should have a home and a steady income and be in a serious committed relationship with the father (or mother) before bringing a life into the world.

Well - if you're oldfashioned - then so am I:D

If I were the brother concerned I would be making it quite plain at the outset that I had no intention whatsoever of changing my life - whatever my sister did or didnt do. O.P. might be lucky and find that her brother will be delighted to be an uncle and won't mind a bit getting "shoved out of the way" to accommodate a baby. On the other hand - he might insist on carrying on his life as he had planned to/moving out only when HE intends to and refusing to have his life disrupted at all by a baby round the place and complaining every time it cries. At a very practical level - putting this the other way round - if the brother likes loud music and is selfish enough to play it regularly (despite everyone else in the house already) - then be prepared for him to continue doing so and disrupting the baby's sleep.....

O.P. - IF your brother decides to change HIS life in order to accommodate a baby that is nothing to do with him - then be grateful...be VERY VERY grateful. But DON'T expect him to - why should his life be altered because of someone else after all?

(sits back and waits for flak from all the people who think its acceptable for them to alter someone else's life to suit themselves......<sigh>).

angel223_2

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margaretclare

JaneRN wrote: »

So what is your advice?

You don't believe in abortion - so what do you suggest?

I agree with some of the points you make, in the ideal world girls should not be having babies at 16. If she had posted saying she was thinking about getting pregnant I would strongly discourage her from doing so. The fact that she finds herself in this situation is the question that needs addressing now.
I was one of those girls and did rely on benefits for a few years, but as soon as I was able, I went to work, first part time and then full time. I've paid back that money many times over.
I didn't go on to have more children that I expected others to fund while I sat at home and the OP comes across as someone who wants to make a life for herself and her child that doesn't rely on you and me funding them.

I agree with this.

The comment that 'we are encouraging this child' is unjustified. What, pray, do you suggest? A baby has been conceived, a baby that did not ask to be conceived and must be given consideration.

My background, and my subsequent professional career, have meant that this is not the first time I've been involved in this type of discussion. I did not discover for many, many years just how much I really do owe my maternal grandparents and the family I grew up in. Talk about developing a thick skin, hearing nasty remarks on buses? Try having children refuse to play with you, not ask you to their birthday parties, because your mum was an unmarried mum and the word that is now a common swear-word was an actual description that was applied to you. And your mum sneered at, exploited, looked down on. The late novelist Catherine Cookson wrote about this in her autobiography 'Our Kate'. And my mum wasn't as young as the OP but she was innocent and unworldly, the sort of innocence that was still to be found in rural places and before radio and TV. A bit like 'Tess of the d'Urbervilles'. My biological father was a young guy who was, like many lads of his age, experimenting with his sexuality and my mum just happened to be there, working for his parents. He was much more intelligent, a chancer, an opportunist throughout his life and of course, denied all knowledge, and his parents believed him. The fact that I grew up in a loving, supportive although desperately-poor home, is down to my grandparents, my mother and my aunt. Even with that support, it nearly fell apart with single female conscription in 1943 because my mum was classed as 'single' although she had an 8-year old child. 'You can always put her in a home' - I heard those words bandied about above my innocent head. How they resisted that situation I've no idea. It wasn't until I started to look further into family history years later that I understood more of the debt I owe those people, and it's now far too late to give my appreciation and thanks.

Fast-forward a few years, against the odds I went to grammar school and eventually went into nursing and midwifery. I've seen the effects of illegal abortion, forced adoption, heartbreak. Seen it close to. When contraception became freely-available on request, in the 1970s that was (I think) we really believed that there'd be no more unwanted pregnancies. 'Each child a wanted one', every pregnancy planned and wanted by both parents. How wrong we were.

The comments about the unreliability of 'The Pill' are correct. Did Cait have it fully explained to her, did she understand and take on board all the caveats? Does anybody? Don't we all hear only what we want to hear or what we can cope with at the time?

I don't believe in abortion as a means of contraception although the 'morning-after' Pill is a different matter. Too late for that in this case. I don't believe in pregnancy as a career choice, to get benefits or to get housing. That's poverty of aspiration and again, a child does not ask to be born but does deserve a better fate than that implied in that 'career choice'. I sometimes watch the Jeremy Kyle Show and I am amazed at some of the things I hear on that. It's like a different world to me. I can't enter into the minds of some of the people he interviews. They're almost like a different species.

Why am I writing all this? I've just noted some of the comments made. Cait's family are inevitably involved, and they probably don't even realise at present just HOW much involvement they'll have. I wish them all the luck in the world. They'll need it.

CFC

For those of you who ask what I suggest

abortion
adoption

I presume that the OP does not have a moral objection to abortion any more than she has a moral objection to young sexual activity.

There are a few children who have babies due to incest/rape and my heart does go out to them - but it's extremely rare and it's certainly not the case here. Usually as other posters have pointed out it's the fact that they've had sex. Maybe they thought that their parents and elders were encouraging and supportive with that? Doubt it in most cases.

There is a very very small failure rate if used correctly, around 0.3%. However many youngsters are too IMMATURE to use the pill correctly hence the magnification of failure rate. Most women and especially teenagers of course will SAY they used it correctly however.

So strictly speaking with a failure rate of 0.3% ,to say that no contraception is 100% is true - however there is a simple infallible contraception, the simple one of saying 'No', so don't blame faulty contraception for teenage pregnancies.

Angel223 if you cannot understand the concept that people will often seek to subconsciously validate their life or purchasing decisions by encouraging others to do the same thing, I'm sorry; you need more life education. And as for you having paid back more than the cost of benefits in the first few years, I doubt it. What about the benefits you presumably still receive such as child benefit and working tax credits, it's not just abouot the housing benefit/council housing and income support in the early years you know.

pegasus there certainly are women in their 20's and 30's who appear to use abortion as a form of birth control, I have heard of some women having 10 abortions. All I can say is thank heaven that they are not actually breeding and their stupidity and selfishness won't be passed on as an inheritance.

Fang_3

AmandaAyrshire wrote: »

CFC sometimes these children that are pregnant aren't pregnant by any fault of their own.

I suppose they were just dancing and it fell in and went off then?

sammy_kaye18

Cait2

I can only tell you from my own personal experience and wish you all the well in whatever you decide.

I was pregnant at 18 and fully intended to keep my baby despite myself and the father being in a very strained long distance relationship - he was 26. Before its even mentioned at the time I was in love and thought I loved him and my mother was perfectly accepting of me having an older boyfriend! Looking back though it seems very strange indeed. Anyway like I said I fully intended to keep my baby, sadly it wasn't to be though and I miscarried at 4 months which turned out fro the best I believe as my then boyfriend was a serial cheat i later found out, didn't stick around and was very unsupportive of the whole thing and afterwards. So we broke up in July 2002

Skip ahead a few weeks and I met Owen, he is 5 years older than me. We were together 11 months when I discovered I was pregnant with him - stupidly didn't take extra precautions when I was prescribed antibiotics for a dental abscess and believed 'oh it wont happen to me'. I was 8 weeks gone. He had suffered a bad break up the year before and hardly saw his 18 month old son so freaked out and we broke up. he asked me to abort the baby so I researched abortion but couldn't in my heart of hearts bring myself to do it so I looked into adoption. I told my then ex boyfriend my intention which he was upset about but agreed to. 2 months later I decided to keep my baby after I had my first scan and I told him and he was angry at my choice. A week later he text asking to come and see me. He came and visited and I showed him the scan picture. Told him I wanted nothing from him and he didn't have to be involved if he didn't want to be as I had made this choice on my own. We got back together.

That little baby has just turned 6 years old and is most definitely my world. As for his father, we got back together the day he saw the scan and have been together ever since and he has been a fantastic daddy.

Last August I lost twins at 8 weeks. He was very supportive and gave me everything I needed space, a shoulder to cry on, and just sat and listened when I needed to rant and rave.

As you can see I am currently overdue with our second baby.

Like many have said it is possible to have babies young but it can be hard. I'm personally glad I waited and took the time to consider my options before I decided to have my son but he is completely the apple of my eye and I would be lost without him.

hngrymummy

Fang, I want to live in your world where rape doesn't exist!

I think that sex-education needs to take some responsibility for the levels of teen pregnancies. Claiming that the Pill, condoms, etc are 'safe sex', which young people believe. They're not. They're just 'less risky sex'. No kind of sex is safe. The OP has discovered this, and is trying to make the best of her situation. I say fair play to her. It's not what she had planned for her life, and she's still going to do her utmost to create, and make the most of, opportunities to do the best she can for her and her child.

thorsoak

CFC wrote: »

I find it sad that those of you on here who appear to have had babies at a stupidly young age are encouraging this child. Either you have been lucky enough to be one of the rare exceptions for whom it has all worked out or you're fooling yourself about the kind of life you have actually had compared to the kind of life you could have had.

Or maybe you feel such a fellow feeling seeing someone else make the same mistake that you shout 'come on in, the water's fine' even though there are clearly sharks swimming around. A kind of vicarious life-choice validation?

I can't understand how a very young person, who is incapable of preventing themselves getting pregnant could be considered mature and sensible enough to bring up an actual living baby. It's beyond me.

I do not believe in abortion but I certainly don't believe in children having babies and then bringing them up, well let's be honest, it's either the parents effectively bringing the baby up, or the state funding it all (that's you and me). It's always that way unless there's a partner and an income and a bit of maturity.

Anyone who says they were a single mother, had a baby at 16 and then went to work at 17 - who funded or provided the child care! And in the same vein - Pegasus your daughter is indeed a credit to herself and not to you as presumably she did not also get pregnant at 16. I simply can't understand how people cannot manage either a contraception regime or to say 'No'. No willpower I guess, or just blind optimism.

Maybe these little girls who get pregnant think they are/were the only ones to have discovered sex, or they are just the unlucky ones, nope, afraid that the answer is that they are the immature silly ones.

So, CFC, would you consider me to have been immature and "incapable of preventing myself getting pregnant" when I became pregnant for the 4th time at the age of 33?

I too, was on the pill, I had used the contraceptive pill a suitable contraception from 1967 through to 1976 - with two planned pregnancies, one in 1969 and another in 1972. Baby no 1 was born in 1966 pre-pill era (my doctor would only prescribe pill to women after they had already had 1 child!) .

Fast forward to 1976 - I had a severe bout of flu......and in December 1976, baby no 4 was born!!

The pill is not infallible and your sweeping statement is offensive in the extreme.

This young woman has asked for advice - she has been given balanced advice and I hope she will be considering all options.

For the record ...how many children do you have?