Practicalities of husband leaving.

pelirocco

I have to play devils advocate here , but are you sure he would leave? , because he does have a right to reside in the house .

Steel_2

pelirocco wrote: »

I have to play devils advocate here , but are you sure he would leave? , because he does have a right to reside in the house .

Very true. We've all assumed he would go without a fight or would want to go. He may well not.

swiss69

Steel wrote: »

Very true. We've all assumed he would go without a fight or would want to go. He may well not.

Without wanting to sound harsh, he has probably wanted to go for many years but has felt a duty to stay for the children. The poster has said that they have not shared a physical relationship for a long time and this was his decision not hers.

Marrying young in many instances in a big mistake. I know people will come on here and say it worked for them but I think in many instances they dont work out. Mine didn't and I think the temptation gets the better of alot of people both male and female when they have not had much experience.

OP - You sound very rational and I agree with you that another two weeks is not going to make any difference. Deep down whilst being unhappy that the dream is ending, you must want to be loved and desired again which you are have clearly not experienced for some time.

It will take time but you will be happy again and there is no reason why you cant remain platonic with your husband as time is a healer.

My wife had an affair but looking back it was as a result of the lack of love in our marriage and I am as much, if not more to blame for this than she is. We split and she is now remarried with more children and I have also remarried. Our son has not gone a day without contact from me either in person or by phone and splits his time between us. We have a very amicable situation all round and I think this is achievable for everyone. Bitterness and resentment are horrible qualities and life is too short for them.

Good Luck

RAS

needabitofadvice wrote: »

Thankfully we have no loans.

Good.

Our credit cards are seperate, and the one that I do have is on 0%.

pay off as much as you can inthe next few weeks.


We have a joint bank account that pays all the bills, but we have our own accounts as well and my wages get paid into the individual one. Good idea about joint signatures though.

The sooner you can get that closed the better

His name is on the utility bills, but I sort out the payment of them. I don't think he even knows who we're with! ( Being a control freak is obviously going to come in useful now!)

If these come from the joint account, check the DDS and once he leaves arrange to move them.

Good thinking about the council tax. Would they ask where he has gone, or would it be enough to say he's left?

You will be fine just informing them that MR NABOA has left and you are claiming single person's allowance.

I don't think I would be entitiled to any more benefits, although I may get slightly more child tax credits. I suppose my daughter may also be entitled to EMA for Septmber now.

We only have a fairly small mortgage, but I'm not sure how that will work. I don't think I could afford to buy him out. Does he have to let us stay here till my youngest is 18?

This is for the divorce settlement really, but it is common to look for this or until the youngest leaves school.

If things go the way you expect, then the sooner you can get the financial settlement sorted the better. it may be worth getting a few valuations once he has left.

What you do not want to do is pay off the mortgage and then find that he is entitled to half the additional equity you have created. So consider a 6 month period on interest only for instance if you can, to keep the equity down.

spugzbunny

I didn't want to ust read and run - I just wanted to say that there are some excellent posts here and great advice! From an emotional point of view - I think you are very brave and you are coming across as being a very generous, loving woman. I can only imagine how hard this is so please do not be afraid to take some time to yourself and have a good old cry. A massive hug from me and good luck with everything to come.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

'Without wanting to sound harsh, he has probably wanted to go for many years but has felt a duty to stay for the children. The poster has said that they have not shared a physical relationship for a long time and this was his decision not hers.'

Or he was quite happy getting his needs met and ego stroked by the other woman whilst he had the convenience and good image of wife and children (and no maintenance payments).

Whatever, money needs to be separated and the children protected from the possibility that he could turn when cornered (if the 'I'm so sorry, I was such a fool, I was tempted and now I repent' spiel doesn't wash this time), trying to keep the house and move the mistress in as a direct replacement whilst keeping the children, for example.

Because, after all, he's only lied, cheated, decieved, taken advantage of and betrayed the people he should be most loyal to for over half a decade. Obviously such a lovely, nice guy.

Fang_3

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

'Without wanting to sound harsh, he has probably wanted to go for many years but has felt a duty to stay for the children. The poster has said that they have not shared a physical relationship for a long time and this was his decision not hers.'

Or he was quite happy getting his needs met and ego stroked by the other woman whilst he had the convenience and good image of wife and children (and no maintenance payments).

Whatever, money needs to be separated and the children protected from the possibility that he could turn when cornered (if the 'I'm so sorry, I was such a fool, I was tempted and now I repent' spiel doesn't wash this time), trying to keep the house and move the mistress in as a direct replacement whilst keeping the children, for example.

Because, after all, he's only lied, cheated, decieved, taken advantage of and betrayed the people he should be most loyal to for over half a decade. Obviously such a lovely, nice guy.

You may be bitter, and believe me I know bitter (and slightly twisted) when I see it. But the OP is not. She is the exact opposite and thank god. You just sound very jealous that this lady is dealing with this matter with dignity and maturity, when you couldn't. This lady's husband is not your ex. He didn't do what your ex did to you and you seem very, very angry about that. She's already said that your style is not hers, and clearly she won't be lowering herself to your standards, so why not go away?

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

Oh do behave yourself. Twisted, maybe. Well, probably - but things are more fun that way:D.

By all means, let's play nicely - the cheating husband is going to pale and quake and meekly trot off into the sunset without a penny to his name, the kiddies are going to think its all a jolly game, the relatives will never notice that they've split up and there will be none of the rows and fights over the children, stepparents, houses, maintenance or how half the friends knew all about the other woman all that time but assumed that it was just what he did, and everything will be lovely.

Nothing to be jealous about. But sometimes, whilst everyone expects that it will all be easily dealt with and nothing more will go wrong, the other party suddenly decides to turn. Then someone ends up shocked not just by the original betrayal but by the way they have suddenly been torn to pieces by someone who has decided to fight dirty. You only have to look in the boards to see people who are losing their homes or whose husbands have refused to leave, taken children, moved in mistresses.

Mine decided on the Saturday morning he was going. I expected it, so it was all sorted by 1pm that day. He was gone, I was rid, just had to get on with looking after the children. No nastiness involved - other than the preferring someone else, but by that point, I wasn't that bothered any more. Its not healthy for kids to see someone acting as a doormat, and it wasn't healthy to live a lie.

The OP should bear in mind that people behave differently when it comes to the end of relationships and they no longer have to pretend.


Sounds more like you are projecting your rage at someone - your Daddy? leaving you and having your illusions about him shattered as an insecure teenager - at me as I represent whoever told you the truth about him. Is your Mum not around any more, or have you cut off all ties from her?

You could have just put me on ignore, you know, rather than seek to attack me. But I suspect that doing that wouldn't fulfill your need for conflict regarding your own unresolved issues regarding abandonment. I believe counsellors are available through your GP if you go and explain to them your repressed rage.

I hope you find help soon.

Fang_3

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

Oh do behave yourself. Twisted, maybe. Well, probably - but things are more fun that way:D.

By all means, let's play nicely - the cheating husband is going to pale and quake and meekly trot off into the sunset without a penny to his name, the kiddies are going to think its all a jolly game, the relatives will never notice that they've split up and there will be none of the rows and fights over the children, stepparents, houses, maintenance or how half the friends knew all about the other woman all that time but assumed that it was just what he did, and everything will be lovely.

Nothing to be jealous about. But sometimes, whilst everyone expects that it will all be easily dealt with and nothing more will go wrong, the other party suddenly decides to turn. Then someone ends up shocked not just by the original betrayal but by the way they have suddenly been torn to pieces by someone who has decided to fight dirty. You only have to look in the boards to see people who are losing their homes or whose husbands have refused to leave, taken children, moved in mistresses.

Mine decided on the Saturday morning he was going. I expected it, so it was all sorted by 1pm that day. He was gone, I was rid, just had to get on with looking after the children. No nastiness involved - other than the preferring someone else, but by that point, I wasn't that bothered any more. Its not healthy for kids to see someone acting as a doormat, and it wasn't healthy to live a lie.

The OP should bear in mind that people behave differently when it comes to the end of relationships and they no longer have to pretend.


Sounds more like you are projecting your rage at someone - your Daddy? leaving you and having your illusions about him shattered as an insecure teenager - at me as I represent whoever told you the truth about him. Is your Mum not around any more, or have you cut off all ties from her?

You could have just put me on ignore, you know, rather than seek to attack me. But I suspect that doing that wouldn't fulfill your need for conflict regarding your own unresolved issues regarding abandonment. I believe counsellors are available through your GP if you go and explain to them your repressed rage.

I hope you find help soon.

Oh dear, the gloves have come off now. I don't have any rage really, certainly not to either parent, who are still together by the way. I did have counselling, both alone and as a family, but then again my dad didn't abuse my mother or vice versa. My mother wouldn't have put up with it, but then again I'm aware that not everyone has a backbone. Clearly.

I really respect my mother for the way she acted and the same for my dad, but I realise that not everyone has the dignity or maturity to act in such a way, and some people just take, take, take. And unfortunately the ramifications of what that does to the children doesn't really become apparent until they themselves become adults, as I'm sure you'll become aware. How awful that your children had to witness all that, and that you didn't love them enough to protect them from that.:(

It's clear that you have something wrong with you, were you not given enough attention at school because you don't seem to be able to read? Or if you can then there must be something that's preventing you from understanding basic information. Perhaps trauma of some kind?

Your posts demonstrate that all too often the abused become abusive, and I just hope that your children haven't suffered too much. It's not too late for you either, everyone deserves a second chance and if you care about your children at all, then you'll make an appointment with your GP and take through your abusive feelings with the hope of getting to the bottom of why you feel and act the way you do. Or you could put me on ignore and pretend that no one has seen you for what you are? Good luck!:)

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

:whistle::whistle: :whistle::whistle: :whistle::whistle: :whistle::whistle::whistle:


Hope you're managing OP, not long until you can stop pretending to be fine. It's not healthy to suppress emotions for too long or they can result in totally inappropriate or disproportionate behaviour.