Practicalities of husband leaving.

needabitofadvice

I am a very regular user, but posting under another name for obvious reasons. I found out today that my husband is having an affair. I have had my suspicions but for the sake of my daughter's GCSEs I did nothing. I wasn't deliberately looking for evidence today, but it's happened. We will be splitting up, as he has had a chance before and knew there were no more. But I need to know and think practicalities. I'm not a hothead so I can live with this info for a few days, but it's difficult to even have time to confront him with it with two teenage children around. I know that he will want to do anything he can to make this easy for me ( he is deep at heart a decent man, just very stupid) but how do you even go about telling teenage girls that their dad is leaving, and how does he do it? Walk out the door while they're there, leave when they're both out for the day? I know I probably sound heartless, not crying but in all honesty this marriage was over a good while ago, and if I was another person I may well have thrown him out a good while ago.
I will cope, and financially we will be okay, but it is my family and friends I am thinking about. I hate what he's done to my girls, what he will be doing to my family ( my poor brother in law will be totally outnumbered by women), what he's going to do to his mum and dad who think I was the best thing that ever happened to him, and probably have more of a relationship with me than him. I hate that we have friends who we have had since we met 24 years ago who will be stuck in the middle, and that there will be no more family days out where he will do the rollercoasters that I won't....I hate that graduations, weddings, christenings and all those things are going to be awkward and not the way they should be. I hate that he has destroyed the future I thought I had.
Need to stop before I burst into tears, and I will say all these things to him, but has anyone else had to plan a 'right' time. I am actually out tonight and tomorrow, and still going, then on Saturday he will visit his mum and dad, and Sunday is Father's Day, and I couldn't do that...Before you know it we're into next week, and we never get a minute to ourselves. Then he even has a golf tournament the weekend after and I'm supposed to be going to a open house at my mum's so everyone can meet my new nephew. I don't want to spoli that for people. The weekend after that is his Dad's 80th. I don't know how I can last that long, but I don't know how I can do it before that....I know there are people who would just fling him out tonight, but that's not me, we have too much history, too many commitments.
I suppose if I've lasted this long in a marriage where my husband was a lying cheat I can last another week or two. I wish I hadn't found out today, we both knew we were on our last legs but I'd hoped to make it another few weeks.
Sorry for the incredibly long post, just would like advice from others who have been there.....

C_Mababejive

Do you think he will want to leave and be with this other woman? Is the other woman married/single?

jackieglasgow

I had just had to post to give you my support. If you want him to leave, then tell him you know, and you want it to end (the marriage). If you have it out in the open between the two of you, could you handle taking another week or two to let him find a room, and get past whatever events you need to for you, not for anyone else. You don't need to tell anyone until YOU are ready to cope with it all. X

RedBern

are you sure it is what you want? You say he's a decent man at heart, but obviously he's hurt you. You hate that he's ruined the future you've planned... it doesn't have to be like that (see... I'm too soft;)).
Why are you prevaricating - if he's got to go, then don't wait and prolong the agony. Sounds (to me) that you don't want him to go.... have a long hard look at what YOU want before making a decision. Good luck.

Emmzi

advise him you need a proper discussion, he knows why, and you expect him to cancel his golf tournament to discuss what is best for the children. Or to take a day off work.

Ask him not to attend the open house and family events so you can go and be with your family, and relax.

you do not need to veneer over his bad behaviour; and there is no need not to see your family.

LillythePink

Oh wow - sorry to read all of this.

I can't believe that you're being so calm about it all - saying that I have sort of been there and was the same - all tied up in knots inside but on the outside trying to keep a normal head on.

I think that you are incredibly brave for thinking about everyone else before yourself, whilst I can appreciate about your children's exams, you are even thinking about saying something after HIS GOLF???

Sorry - but that does seem a bit erm....too brave!

Can you not get rid of the kids for a few hours - send them to a mates or family or something - this is something too important to leave for weeks especially as you have made your mind up about him going.

Future events will manage themselves, your family will cope and rally around you and if they are decent people, so will his parents - it's not their fault that they have a lousy son who is a selfish piece of xxx who can't keep it in his pants even though he KNEW where it would end up if he did.

For everyone's sake you need to do this sooner rather than later - it won't do you any good to keep a normal routine just to please everyone else and that does include your children.

xx

love_lifer

i think you deserve a proper discussion with him. maybe arrange for kids to go away for night and day then you can get some stuff sorted? they will face disruption whatever happens, its inevitable because of what has happened.
relate might be useful for you alone or together.
and if you can talk to someone face to face, its a heavy burden to carry alone

mishkanorman

my only thoughts (other than a massive hug for you) are that you cant plan your marriage break-up around your diary and other people.

Could you live with him for another few weeks, maybe months ? Me and my OH went through it recently and luckily we have got things sorted but it was a living hell having him here in my face day in day out and every little niggle that would normally be nothing turned into almighty fights because of the under-lying problem.

Not one person who truly cares about you is going to expect you to put this huge crisis to one side whilst they have their parties and events, sure its going to be tricky but there will always be SOMETHING cropping up so better now than later IMHO


mishka

Milsey-Girl

Although I don't have much practical advice to give, I didn't want to read and run.

What an incredibly considerate person you are, thinking how this is going to affect everyone else but the time has come to think about you. It's never going to be easy letting those close to you know your situation and there will always be 'events' that you don't want to 'spoil' but for your own sanity you need to sort this out with your OH now.

I really do wish you all the best.

(((big hugs)))

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

On Monday, tell him he should go to his golf tournament (if it really is and not a visit to the mistress) and never come back.

Then tell your girls that you're sorry, but he has to leave because he has a mistress and you aren't prepared to put up with him cheating on you again, as he has done it before.

If you can manage to stay icy calm, you can do this without crumbling and letting him get away with all the lies as you sit and seethe at his behaviour. Two weeks is too long to suffer this.

(although I would be inclined if it were me to tell him that he shouldn't ever come back from this Saturday, but I accept that it may seem a little hard - but then again, as he's smiling and relaxing on 'his' day, thinking his sordid little life is grand, that must hurt you too)

happyandy63

I would say go and see a councilor with him. Allow both of you to talk openly and honesly to each other. Even if you break up you can talk through it. The councilor can also talk to you both independantly. Perhaps dad is not leaving. I have friends who broke up and still stay in the same street(not always easy).perhaps your husband is a crap husband but maybe a good dad and a good/ok friend/neighbour. It sounds like although he has cheated that you still care about each other.

I am not saying forgive or forget, just don't chuck baby out with bath water and these days of recycling even the bath water has a use?