Practicalities of husband leaving.

needabitofadvice

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

On Monday, tell him he should go to his golf tournament (if it really is and not a visit to the mistress) and never come back.

Then tell your girls that you're sorry, but he has to leave because he has a mistress and you aren't prepared to put up with him cheating on you again, as he has done it before.

If you can manage to stay icy calm, you can do this without crumbling and letting him get away with all the lies as you sit and seethe at his behaviour. Two weeks is too long to suffer this.

(although I would be inclined if it were me to tell him that he shouldn't ever come back from this Saturday, but I accept that it may seem a little hard - but then again, as he's smiling and relaxing on 'his' day, thinking his sordid little life is grand, that must hurt you too)

It definitely is 'golf', I know other people who are going. I could never do that to my girls, not my style at all I'm afraid. Whilst this is his fault, we have been having problems for a good while. They will know it's his fault but I could never be so brutal with them. He's their dad, I don't want them to hate him.

needabitofadvice

happyandy63 wrote: »

I would say go and see a councilor with him.

I am not saying forgive or forget, just don't chuck baby out with bath water and these days of recycling even the bath water has a use?

I know he wouldn't.

happyandy63 wrote: »

Ps you sound lovely!

suited-aces wrote: »

OP, no useful advice here I'm afraid, but just had to mention that you sound like a really good, decent person.

Thankyou! I am lovely and good and decent. I try my very hardest to be. I hate to see people being hurt,and I will almost always try to think of other people first. He knows all this, has always said I'm too good for him, whereas she's probably more his 'type' That's probably why he's still here, because he knows he's going to throw away the best family life he could have, for someone else ( who his mum and dad are probably going to intensely dislike!)

needabitofadvice

Bubby wrote: »

I wouldn't care less about spoiling any of his golf time or fathers day:mad:

I would simply tell him you need to discuss his affair and let him do the talking! Could you confide in your parents/siblings? Could they look after the children for you whilst this conversation takes place?

I have total admiration for the fact that you are not prepared to allow him to do this to you again and despite your feelings have more respect for yourself than to forgive him.

Please do allow yourself time to grieve for all those things you have mentioned after he is gone and allow your close friends and family chance to look after YOU. Your children will understand in time that you have made the right decision for them and as long as you both assure them that you are still there for them as parents you have nothing to feel guilty about.

I don't care about spoiling his Father's Day, I care about spoiling it for my girls who will remember it every year. Thanks for all your sound advice, but I really need to deal with this myself before I can tell others. My friends will be fantastic, I know they will. Unfortunately for him, he won't have many left! lol

kazwookie wrote: »

Hi


I cannot believe that his golf comes before sorting out a major problem in his family life.......................

Good luck...

He has no clue, it is me that is letting the golf go ahead for my own sanity!

needabitofadvice

Fang wrote: »

Maybe this might save your marriage? You say that the marriage was dead long ago, but then you say that you hate him for destroying your future. Which is it? You say it's dead, but from reading your post, I don't think it's as dead as you think, might a full and frank discussion help? Would you consider contacting Relate? If nothing else you might be able to remain friends.

Maybe somewhere along the way we can be friends again. The future I talked about was the Happy ever after I had planned when we got married, I've known for a long time that it hasn't been the way I wanted. We haven't had a physical relationship for longer than I care to think about ( his choice, not mine) Guilt probably! He is grumpy, miserable and I don't even particularly like myself any more when I'm with him. I deserve more.

Fang wrote: »

And then her children will hate her. Maybe not at first, but they will blame her. There's a reason that every agony aunt and counsellor in the world tells parents going through a divorce to not criticize the other parent to their children, no matter how hard it is. Because no matter what they have done to you, they are still your children's mother/father.

Totally agree.

peachyprice

Fang wrote: »

And then her children will hate her. Maybe not at first, but they will blame her. There's a reason that every agony aunt and counsellor in the world tells parents going through a divorce to not criticize the other parent to their children, no matter how hard it is. Because no matter what they have done to you, they are still your children's mother/father.

it is possible to tell the children the truth without criticising their father:

"Your father and I are splitting up because he is having an affair"

is a lot different from;

"Your father and I splitting up because he is a lying cheating scumbag and I hate hit guts"

JoJoB

How long till GCSEs are over? I think you are right to try and keep things under wraps till then, if you can.

But after that, I agree with other posters that your children will appreciate the truth behind the split and that this can be done without "badmouthing" their dad. Not knowing the truth leads to confusion, frustration, rage and depression. Which would probably be aimed at you.

Perhaps while you are waiting for the opportunity to give him his marching orders you can start getting some of the practicalities/legal side of things in order. It will keep you occupied and be good preparation in case he does indeed "turn". Do things like taking copies of all financial assets you can find, joint accounts, etc, in case he empties or transfers them. Have a good look around the house for any accounts he may have kept secret from you - where there has been an affair there may be other deception going on too. And find a good divorce solicitor to help you have everything in place for when you tell him to leave.

As a Christian are you a member of a specific church? Please don't be afraid of asking for support from your friends or from church people - they be less judgemental about this matter than you think. Could you tell your best friend a little more about your situation? It may help you to unburden yourself to someone while you are having to still be quiet about it at home.

Hope you manage to get through this ok.

needabitofadvice

GEEGEE8 wrote: »

When my parents split, when I was 12 and my sister 14, my mum stayed for 2 weeks to sort things out. (she had the affair). After that she left and they sorted everything else out through solicitors.

At the time, it didn't bother me. I must have been in shock.

There is never a good time to do it.

GEEGEE8 wrote: »

Also, telling two teenage girls about their dad having affairs, isn't going to help them and their trust of men in the long run.

And they are my priority, which is why I need time to think. He would not stay once I had confronted him.

bestpud wrote: »

Please don't let him just walk away when they are out.

My ex's mum did that and they have never got over it - one of them was at work and another at school and they got home to find their mum gone.

They deserve an explanation and you should not be left to do it all alone.

Whether or not you tell them about the affair is up to you and him imo, and may also depend on how much they question you both. They may ask outright and I wouldn't lie if that was the case. It's really for you to decide as you know them and what they can cope with. You shouldn't have to lie for him though, I'm not saying that!

Sooo, my advice is send the girls out for the evening while you talk to him and make plans for the both of you to tell the girls together. Maybe not the same night though!

Thanks for the good advice. He will not get out of telling them, it's just the actual 'leaving' bit I can't get my head round at the moment.

needabitofadvice

ailuro2 wrote: »

OP, I would plan what you're going to say to your kids, a little speech about how they probably realise that things haven't been perfect between you lately and that has come to a head might be enough to start them off with. I would not lie to them, and I would not berate your husband / ex husband to be either.

Make sure they know both of you will always be there for them etc. etc. and that you will still be making major parenting decisions together.

I so hope that's what it will be like.

jackomk wrote: »

When my ex husband admitted to his affair, he stayed in the house for a month until he sorted out somewhere to live. In that 4 weeks we carried on as normal as possible keeping it from everyone, including the kids. I have to say it was the hardest 4 weeks I have been through. Every day he came home it felt like he had stuck the knife in and was twisting it. Dont get me wrong, like you, my marriage was dead sometime before but that didnt make it any easier.

After he had left, I had to tell my son (who was 17 at the time) the truth, becasue he was angry with ME for the break up. I did feel slightly guilty that I had shattered his illusion of our "perfect" family life, but at the end of the day I had kept a dignified silence for a whole month and kept up the facade for everyone else except myself.

Everyone told me then how brave I was and what a strong person I must have been. I didnt scream, shout or take revenge (apart from the 10 laxatives in his coffee which still makes me chuckle) but inside, I was falling apart.

My point is, you need to think about YOU for a change. It's not easy being the dignified one. Keeping up a charade pulls on your heartstrings and tests your sanity somewhat. As much as you try to appear normal, it's always there in your head. People will notice all is not right, in particular the children, but may well just think its you being "grouchy" You dont deserve this.


Good luck xx

You sound like me! But like I said I know he won't stay around for lomg once he knows I know which I think is why I have to do this the other way round, and get myself sorted before I sort us. I'm not saying he will be out the door the minute I confront him, he won't. He will talk, he will explain to the girls but he won't be able to live here seeing me hurting.

needabitofadvice

boyang wrote: »

OP
Right now your head is full of how other people will cope with this. I think this is a natural response and I had this when I split with my husband. In general, telling other people was far far easier than I thought it would be. So please don't waste any energy wondering how relatives (other than your children) are going to cope. They will.
.

I'm sure you're right, but my poor mum has been on her own since my dad died when she was 38 and I know it's going to upset her that I'll be on my own too. It's not what she would have wanted for me, although she'll know it's for the best.

clearingout wrote: »

As an affair 'survivor', recently divorced and about to buy the house of my dreams to get on with life, I can only sympathise and tell you that it will be a very rocky ride but you will get there in the end. What I really wanted to comment on wast he part about your husband being 'decent at heart'. So was mine - in fact, he recently went as far as describing himself to me as ' a nice guy' and that was why his girlfriend had wanted to be with him, and to run away and marry him. Many husbands (and indeed, wives,) are nice people until divorce and money and guilt gets in the way. Survival kicks in. It can be very hard to overcome the survival instinct and continue to be decent.

.

I hope he can be, but I guess I'll have to wait and see. It's amazing how people can change, isn't it?

JoJoB wrote: »

How long till GCSEs are over? I think you are right to try and keep things under wraps till then, if you can.

Perhaps while you are waiting for the opportunity to give him his marching orders you can start getting some of the practicalities/legal side of things in order. It will keep you occupied and be good preparation in case he does indeed "turn". Do things like taking copies of all financial assets you can find, joint accounts, etc, in case he empties or transfers them.
Hope you manage to get through this ok.

They are over now, but two weeks would get me through everything else I'm worrying about too. I hope to do all the practical things like you suggested, athough I don't think I'm ready to cope with solicitors or the idea of divorce yet. Seperation is enough for me to cope with at the moment.

So now replied to everyone, where am I? I really thought about this last night, went out, had a nice night and I know that he doesn't know I know. He stupidly lent me his old phone without deleting an old text which is how I know. He's probably totally panicking now hoping that he had cleared them all! I can do this for 2 weeks, we only see each other of an evening, and even then one of us is often out. He is away for 4 days, and I will not ruin his dad's birthday. I will confront him with this in 2 weeks time, as I know we have an evening to ourselves then, a rare night when both girls are out. We can tell them the next night and then he can go after that. It will give me breathing space, time to organise myself and my poor girls will have time to learn to come to terms with the situation before we go away on holiday ( Thankfully he wasn't coming with us anyway due to work) I will update and the bst laid plans may go totally to pot but I think that's where I'm at at the moment.

pigpen

My ex was seeing someone else for 3 months before he left.. I put up with it as it was christmas, I needed to finish college etc.. and it was probably that which did most damage to the children in the longer term.

they accepted he was seeing someone else without a flicker of a problem but the arguing and atmosphere meant they daren't breathe for fear of being noticed.

These aren't little children you have they can comprehend the fact you don't want him around after sleeping with other people. Be honest with them and it'll sort and they will have more respect for you in the long term.

as for 'his weekend' I think he forgoes that as part of his infidelity.. if he has a tantrum about it.. tough! Should have thought about the consequences of his trouser dropping before he did it!!