Practicalities of husband leaving.

Fang_3

tabskitten wrote: »

No point blinkering them. Tell the truth!

No one is disputing that they should be told the truth. It's the extent of the truth and the when that is important. But like I said, it comes down to whether you love your children more than you want to hurt your ex. I think we know your answer.

Fang_3

tabskitten wrote: »

thats a massive generalistion.

It's really not. Find me person, mid-twenties onwards that thinks they had a better grounding of reality and perspective when they were a teenager. I shan't hold my breath.

Angel1978_2

Fang wrote: »

You were a teenager when you found out and it messed you up. Exactly what I'm talking about. Thank you for proving my point.

The lies messed me up. Finding out the truth later on was worse imo. And the truth always comes out. Eventually.

To be honest I was a mature teenager. I had a feeling he had cheated anyhow. Mum lying to me made it worse. In fact, our relationship wasn't the same again for many many years to come. Only since I had my first child in fact.

bestpud

I think it is very difficult to stay living together once you have decided it is over so think carefully about that. You are still in shock today (who can blame you?) but when that dies down, you may not feel so calm and collected.

You both need to talk to the girls about this and explain what is happening.

Please don't let him just walk away when they are out.

My ex's mum did that and they have never got over it - one of them was at work and another at school and they got home to find their mum gone.

They deserve an explanation and you should not be left to do it all alone.

Whether or not you tell them about the affair is up to you and him imo, and may also depend on how much they question you both. They may ask outright and I wouldn't lie if that was the case. It's really for you to decide as you know them and what they can cope with. You shouldn't have to lie for him though, I'm not saying that!

Sooo, my advice is send the girls out for the evening while you talk to him and make plans for the both of you to tell the girls together. Maybe not the same night though!

Fang_3

Angel1978 wrote: »

The lies messed me up. Finding out the truth later on was worse imo. And the truth always comes out. Eventually.

To be honest I was a mature teenager. I had a feeling he had cheated anyhow. Mum lying to me made it worse. In fact, our relationship wasn't the same again for many many years to come. Only since I had my first child in fact.

But you found out when you were a teenager. I'm not going to hijack the OP's thread. Your situation and her's are very different. Mine is nearly identical, from the child's perspective.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

Fang wrote: »

They are teenagers and full of hormones and so don't have the clear grasp of reality that mature adults do. It is not patronising to protect them. You obviously have no experience of this - I do.

Oh dear, did you do something wrong and have your young adult offspring look at you in a different light once they knew what you had done?

It's not protection. It's deception.

Choice is: let them think that Dad has left because they're horrible children or because Mum is an evil hardfaced cow, or he has left because he liked someone else more than Mum?

The final option tells them that it isn't their fault, it isn't Mum's fault and it is not OK to meekly put up with appalling treatment from men.

ailuro2

I've read on here before that Relate can also assist people who are splitting up - am I right in thinking that?

Maybe OP would benefit from a bit of counselling with them to help her see she deserves to be heard too, and to not always put other people first every single time, they have seen it, done it, wore the T shirt with many people, they might be a help?

OP, I would plan what you're going to say to your kids, a little speech about how they probably realise that things haven't been perfect between you lately and that has come to a head might be enough to start them off with. I would not lie to them, and I would not berate your husband / ex husband to be either.

Make sure they know both of you will always be there for them etc. etc. and that you will still be making major parenting decisions together.

Fang_3

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

Oh dear, did you do something wrong and have your young adult offspring look at you in a different light once they knew what you had done?

It's not protection. It's deception.

Choice is: let them think that Dad has left because they're horrible children or because Mum is an evil hardfaced cow, or he has left because he liked someone else more than Mum?

The final option tells them that it isn't their fault, it isn't Mum's fault and it is not OK to meekly put up with appalling treatment from men.

Not unless I fathered children in infants.

The choices are nothing like that. If it's handled with maturity and sensitivity then they will know that it is nothing to do with them and that their parents love them, even if they don't love each other anymore.

It's very telling that you think the choices are that it's either the children's fault, or the mother's. It can't be easy living being so bitter.:(

jackomk

When my ex husband admitted to his affair, he stayed in the house for a month until he sorted out somewhere to live. In that 4 weeks we carried on as normal as possible keeping it from everyone, including the kids. I have to say it was the hardest 4 weeks I have been through. Every day he came home it felt like he had stuck the knife in and was twisting it. Dont get me wrong, like you, my marriage was dead sometime before but that didnt make it any easier.

After he had left, I had to tell my son (who was 17 at the time) the truth, becasue he was angry with ME for the break up. I did feel slightly guilty that I had shattered his illusion of our "perfect" family life, but at the end of the day I had kept a dignified silence for a whole month and kept up the facade for everyone else except myself.

Everyone told me then how brave I was and what a strong person I must have been. I didnt scream, shout or take revenge (apart from the 10 laxatives in his coffee which still makes me chuckle) but inside, I was falling apart.

I did make the condition that ex told our son the whole truth after I had, as I didnt want it to appear one sided. Yes this was painful but I thought it was the right thing to do. I have to say, my son and I now have a wonderful relationship (he's 22 now) as he understands a little of what I went through. He's a young man of few words, but the first mothers day card he gave me after the break up proved telling him the truth was the right thing for me to do. He still has a relationship with his dad, but it will never be the same. Maybe thats just him growing up, I cant say for sure.

My point is, you need to think about YOU for a change. It's not easy being the dignified one. Keeping up a charade pulls on your heartstrings and tests your sanity somewhat. As much as you try to appear normal, it's always there in your head. People will notice all is not right, in particular the children, but may well just think its you being "grouchy" You dont deserve this.

If I had that time again, I wouldnt have given him such an easy ride. Yes I would have still kept my dignity, but after all, he is in the wrong, he didnt respect your good nature while he was with his other woman and he is being incredibly selfish even considering going on his golf trip.

You have done enough for him forgiving him once....take back some control

Good luck xx

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

Fang wrote: »

Not unless I fathered children in infants.

The choices are nothing like that. If it's handled with maturity and sensitivity then they will know that it is nothing to do with them and that their parents love them, even if they don't love each other anymore.

It's very telling that you think the choices are that it's either the children's fault, or the mother's. It can't be easy living being so bitter.:(

:rotfl::rotfl::rotfl::rotfl::rotfl::rotfl:

I don't have anything to be bitter about, you poor, traumatised boy.


My youngest was fine when she was told by her father that Daddy left because he liked someone else better than Mummy - it meant she didn't blame herself or me for his leaving. From that moment on, she was able to adjust and told her teacher (she was 6) 'Now I know it wasn't because I had smashed the dinner plate the night before, I understand.'

She's seen him and his partner every fortnight since then, plus holidays and extra days and it's been fine.