Practicalities of husband leaving.

Steel_2

I'm so sorry to hear what is going on OP.

If it were me, I'd be using the golf break as the cut off point. He goes on the break, you don't and he agrees to not come back to live in the house. You both agree that neither of you will use the other to score points with the children and present a united front on the separation. You both agree between you what you will say to the girls. You break it to them together on the day he returns from the golf break. You don't need to mention the affair - that could destroy their respect for their father. His abilities as a father are not tied up with your marriage or sex life. The type of relationship he has with them is different to the one he has with you and should not be confused. If you feel you must come clean about the affair to them, give it a few weeks and perhaps have a second talk with them together. Him leaving is a hit to them, him leaving because of an affair would be a double hit and could ruin their relationship.


My personal feeling is that you can be a good mother or father and a lousy partner at the same time. I don't believe the details of a parent's sex life and marriage are anyone's business, certainly not the children's. When they have more life experience with which to handle the information fine. But right now their limited experience of sex in relationships could lead to emotionally immature judgments by them that could explode a situation and cause damage.

Arrange a time for him to come back and pick up some more belongings and see the girls at the same time, again both of you keeping a united front on the split.

They will blame you for a while OP because you are the closest adult involved they have. If you went and he stayed, they would blame him. They will look to blame someone until they are able to accept what has happened.

needabitofadvice

Steel wrote: »

I'm so sorry to hear what is going on OP.

The type of relationship he has with them is different to the one he has with you and should not be confused.

You can be a good mother or father and a lousy partner at the same time. The details of a parent's sex life and marriage are no-one's business, certainly not the children's. One day either you or him can tell them about the affair when they adults and they have more life experience with which to handle the information. But right now their limited experience of sex in relationships could lead to emotionally immature judgments by them that could explode the situation and cause damage, and you want to avoid this. Him leaving is a hit to them, him leaving because of an affair would be a double hit and could ruin their relationship.


They will blame you for a while OP because you are the closest adult involved they have. If you went and he stayed, they would blame him. They will look to blame someone until they are able to accept what has happened.

You and I definitely have the same ideas. My girls can learn from their dad eventually that he had someone else, I think it will be enough for them to cope with him leaving as it is.

RAS

Hi

I appreciate that you need tme, but can I suggest that you put into place a few emergency measures re finances. Sadly, we have seen some complete chaos caused when one partner leaves a relationship.

Do you have any credit cards or loans in joint names? Do you realise that by law you are jointly and severally liable for these debts (which means the creditor can chase you for the whole sum if he does not pay). If you have joint savings or spare money, consider paying these down so as to remove your liability.

Do you have a joint bank account? If so get a new one in your own name set up now whilst your credit rating is good. When he leaves, you need to cancel any overdraft facility on the old account, transfer half the money (or whatever you agree between you) to the new account, transfer your direct debits and write to the bank the same day advising them that all future debits from the bank account require both signatures. They will probably require both signatures to take your name off the account or close it.

Is his name on any of the utility bills? If so, read the meters the day he leaves, ring the supplier and transfer the account to your name with the meter reading. Follow up in writing. that way you do not find your utilities cut of because he has not paid.


You will be entitled to single person's CT allowance. You need to request this when he leaves.

Get all the letters done now; you may have rather a lot going on once the children know and at least you are prepared.

He will be paying you 20 percent of his income towards child support (CSA rules). Do a budget now. Check whether you can get any benefit support (WTC etc) on www.entitledto.com. Then work out what you can afford for the future.

Steel_2

RAS - good post.

We're getting so caught up in the emotion practicalities that we're forgetting the financial practicalities.

OP are you able to put some of RAS' suggestions into place?

Maybe the forum needs a sticky one day about the financial steps to take if one partner leaves

needabitofadvice

RAS wrote: »

Do you have any credit cards or loans in joint names?
If you have joint savings or spare money, consider paying these down so as to remove your liability.

Do you have a joint bank account? If so get a new one in your own name set up now whilst your credit rating is good. When he leaves, you need to cancel any overdraft facility on the old account, transfer half the money (or whatever you agree between you) to the new account, transfer your direct debits and write to the bank the same day advising them that all future debits from the bank account require both signatures. They will probably require both signatures to take your name off the account or close it.

Is his name on any of the utility bills? If so, read the meters the day he leaves, ring the supplier and transfer the account to your name with the meter reading. Follow up in writing. that way you do not find your utilities cut of because he has not paid.


You will be entitled to single person's CT allowance. You need to request this when he leaves.

Get all the letters done now; you may have rather a lot going on once the children know and at least you are prepared.

He will be paying you 20 percent of his income towards child support (CSA rules). Do a budget now. Check whether you can get any benefit support (WTC etc) on Then work out what you can afford for the future.

Thankyou for all your advice. Thankfully we have no loans. Our credit cards are seperate, and the one that I do have is on 0%
We have a joint bank account that pays all the bills, but we have our own accounts as well and my wages get paid into the individual one. Good idea about joint signatures though.

His name is on the utility bills, but I sort out the payment of them. I don't think he even knows who we're with! ( Being a control freak is obviously going to come in useful now!)

Good thinking about the council tax. Would they ask where he has gone, or would it be enough to say he's left?

I don't think I would be entitiled to any more benefits, although I may get slightly more child tax credits. I suppose my daughter may also be entitled to EMA for Septmber now.

We only have a fairly small mortgage, but I'm not sure how that will work. I don't think I could afford to buy him out. Does he have to let us stay here till my youngest is 18? I could pay the mortgage as it is now on my own, but not if I had to increase it to buy him out.

It feels like this is all happening to someone else.....thank goodness for Martin!

Steel_2

needabitofadvice wrote: »

We only have a fairly small mortgage, but I'm not sure how that will work. I don't think I could afford to buy him out. Does he have to let us stay here till my youngest is 18? I could pay the mortgage as it is now on my own, but not if I had to increase it to buy him out.

How much is your mortgage (overall and monthly), what equity do you have in the house and how much is your current monthly income?

Heading on over to the debt-free boards and doing an SOA to get some advice might just help you see where you could free up some more money to afford a higher mortgage payment if your income was enough.

If you divorce don't forget you will be splitting assets and pensions etc. You might end up with more than you think you will.

needabitofadvice

The mortgage is about £46,000 on a tracker at base rate, so 0.5% interest. We pay £265 monthly but that's a slight overpayment. The house is probably worth around £130,000 and I take home about £1400 a month.

Thanks to Martin and the debt free board pretty much everything I have to pay is at its lowest rate possible. I'll be able to get rid of Sky Sports to save £20 a month, get the council tax discount, possibly buy a smaller and more efficient car if need be, but it could only cost what I sell this one for ( probably about £2000) Obviously there'll be less to spend on food etc. We pay all the bills out of an account that we both pay £625 into nd this covers all bills, food and petrol. We also have an exta account that has £700 a month put into it which has always covered holidays, trips out, presents, Christmas etc. Then I have had £300 for myself.

needabitofadvice

We do have savings of about £20,000 tied up in his work share scheme, but that was always the girls' university fund. it's in his name but I do know it's there so he couldn't hide it!

RAS

You need to think about the situation with the university fees (not immediately).

If you are on a low income, the girls might get full fees support and a bursary, which would mean a much lower loan and less debt at the end of their course.

Steel_2

It's tough but not impossible. You'd have to give him half of the current £84k equity so would be looking to try and add £42k borrowings onto your current £46k mortgage. A total of £88k. You earn about £23/24k so the bank might not be willing to lend you more than 3 times your income which leaves you with a gap.

It may be possible to close this gap if you hubby has a pension or other assets he doesn't want to sell so would give you a higher split. Of course yours would also be taken into account. I too would think seriously about that fund. Unless it is a trust in the children's names, your hubby can do whatever the hell he likes with that money if it is in his name.

Bearing in mind you have a tracker and interest rates may start going up soon, you need to work out using a mortgage calculator what would happen if the interest rates climbed. Could you still afford the payments if this happened?

If you manage to do it life will be very tight for a while and there may be little left over at the end of the month. How old are you? if you are relatively young then the extra mortgage might not be such an issue and you might be able to get promotions or training to help you up your income. Maybe even find a higher paid job. On the other hand, if you had children later in life you might not want to work all those extra years if you take it on. You could I suppose get one of those mortgages with a very long term and when life settles down make sure you overpay like mad to bring the term down or refinance later.

It depends if you want to sever yourself completely and have complete independence or be happy to come to an agreement where the house is sold when your youngest is 18. But if you do this, make sure there will be provision in the legal agreement you come to with hubby that he will not have access to the equity from your payments and overpayments. Don't do a hand-waving agreement with hubby about this, get it written down by a solicitor.

Personally I'd go for complete separation otherwise hubby will benefit from the increase in equity when the market rises and the house is eventually sold. I wouldn't want to work my butt off for years on someone else's investment that I've fought tooth and nail to keep going through thick and thin.